Lived Experience Forum

[Appleblossom]

Started up this thread to continue the "work" conversation.

@Mazarita

I focus on what I do do ... rather than say I do nothing. EG Part-time teacher, part-time mum, part-time student, renovator, social justice activist, whatever is true and relevant at the time. If they are anti catholics I dont say it was at St Vincent De Paul ... or I talk about secular things with atheists ...... I try to be diplomatic ..

I am the queen of shooting herself in the foot and over self revelation and still struggling ... footless.

I am learning to bounce off a word in conversation and just say something light, relevant not to self effacing, or challenging of the speaker.

I may discuss seeing a client on a day when it was in a volunteer role not a paid job .. if other person has used word "client". 

I keep dialogue short and reciprocal but true to self.  Eg Complaints about office work has me digging back 30 years ... or talking about new trends of working at home.

I query different values ... about what consitutes work in a general way that opens up conversation if there is anything willing in other person.  Open statements rather than closed ones etc..

I am claiming the right to make my own generalisations but not to disagree too vehemently or be too defensive about my social position ... keep things mild so I dont rock too many social boats ... yet all those things still rear the heads... but there are changes ... people start confiding to me their little issues that align with my experience ... they were probably just to embarrassed to be honest and up-front ...

Last year ... I did pull the disability stigma concept out once in a social group ... when I get angry I talk about people who play "kick the cripple" ... people usually twig that they get much better vaule out of me by being respectful ... that is all I ever ask for ... I dont want to be Miss Popularity ... just dont step on my toes 3 times and not expect some response. I usually give gentle warnings too ...

That said ... I did blow up on holiday at the alps ... I had had 2 neck events and I probably did overreact ... but then I am giving myself consideration as I was trying avoid a 3rd neck event in a month.  They are pretty painful and render me far less capableit was in the context of lots of operatic passionate expression ... and about personal space ..

I am socialising with more and more with a very wide range of people ... one lovely retired female doctor I met at the recorder was talking about interpersonal issues ... I heard .. "Patronise me at your peril" and asked if I could borrow her phrase. We all laughed together ... I claim grumpy old woman status and try and make it a joke ... but also delineate the issues.  I am learning not to take things too personally unless it is really necessary and obvious.

I am less confessional... but only a little ...lol

When I received job application advice from a lady in my disability network I struggled really hard not to laugh at the ridiculousness of what they were "teaching" me ..I did that stuff 30 years ago ...  she was ok and got it ... and became embarrassed explaining she had to say these things by law ... but my early job history .. said it all ... I havent sent out many applications in last 15 years ... I couldnt cope with roller coaster rejections or getting the jobs that were unsuitable but trying anyway ...or done my resume properly ... if I had I suspect things could have gotten a lot uglier regarding my son ... because I would have been pushing harder, in more pain, and therefore not so patient or understanding.

I actually have had a problem realising that I am disabled ... my grandfather used to do renovating half crippled .. so did I ... there is plenty of work ethic in our family.  The last teacher at a high school said my son worked like a Trojan ... when he worked ... I am not into Sisyphus ... I prefer to reality check ... and if I am rolling rocks around ... I like to at least get a decent rockery out of it.

Sorry ... for the spiel @Mazarita.. does that make sense in the context of @Debstar and the recent Ostara thread?

[Mazarita]

Hi @Appleblossom,

Great idea to start a thread that involves the question, 'what is work anyway?'

Wow, that's quite a resourceful bag of strategies to use when dealing with the question from other people, 'what do you do?'

I want to re-read this post and respond more after that. For now I'm going to join the Friday Feast and get back to you. ox

[Mazarita]

Hi again @Appleblossom,

Thanks for sharing some of your strategies when not working in structured employment to the difficult question from people we meet: 'What do you do?' These are the suggestions I can relate to the most:

• focus on what I do do
• talk about volunteer work if applicable
• remember past experiences of work as ways of conversing on this subject
• keep dialogue short and reciprocal
• keep it light, not too self-effacing or challenging
• don't take things too personally
• don't be too 'confessional'
• realise that I am disabled and that I am not working for valid reasons

 I had a giggle at your 'claiming grumpy old woman' status.  

I have really despaired over this question at every time in my life when I have been too ill to work. I have tried various strategies but somehow there so often seems to be this painful awkwardness when the question arises. Sometimes my depression has got the better of me and I've simply said (in challenging tones), 'nothing' (when really I have always been engaged in the arts at one level or another even when too ill for anything else).

Anyway, it's good to hear your approach. I wonder if anyone else has ways they deal with the 'what do you do' question when not in the regular workforce.

[Shaz51]

hi @Mazarita, @Appleblossom, this is an interesting topic , I like you suggestions, have to keep them handy

My husband has had lots of jobs in his life, now we are self employed , i can see that it is hard for my husband , sometimes i think it would be better for him and less stressful if he quits, which he wants to from time to time .

[Mazarita]

Hi @Shaz51,

Would your husband be possibly eligible for a disability pension based on his current and past mental illness (and any physical illnesses he has)? The pension is a life saver for me. Wishing you the best.

[PeppiPatty]

The term.....Patonise me at your peril.

I just threw that at my husband and he says...I dont patronise you.

[AmiRemixed]

Well i really want to work. I've worked before i've had a few jobs. Some sort of a I guess you could call it a career. I'm not working at the moment. I'm looking hard tho, searching high and low for any opportunity that might be suitable. I missed the introduction of this topic eep! but will be around for when its continuity restarts up with next weeks subject.

Thanks so much!

[Shaz51]

Hi @AmiRemixed, @Appleblossom, @PeppiPatty, @Mazarita

@Mazarita,thankyou for your comment but they are cracking down on people going on the disability pension , that is why my husband and I are cutting back on work to reduce stress and for my husband`s health

[Mazarita]

Hi @Shaz51,

I too have heard that it is harder now to be approved for a disability pension. But if there is a valid claim there it might still be worth thinking about. It involves speaking first to GP and then being referred to a psychiatrist for an assessment and report. If there are comorbid physical conditions, specialist reports about that will also be part of the process. It did take me eighteen months to move from sickness allowance to disability pension (I was turned down the first time), but eventually it was apparent that I had a valid claim. That was about 7 years ago. I understand though if you feel it is not worth the trouble and red tape of going through that process. Cutting back on work sounds like a good move for your husband's health (and maybe for yours too, since you have the kidney disease). Best to you both.

[Shaz51]

Hi @Mazarita, @Appleblossom,

yes, we will  keep putting our medical updates in and our updated claims in , I think we are getting closer but i think it will take time .

I was told last time when i put mine in , i missed out by two points ,