Lived Experience Forum

[Confused1]

So today i tryed to reach out to my family and mend a few bridges but i was left standing alone. I said that I am so sorry for all that i have done, i have lost my ways and i need help and not one has said a thing to me. I have been crying out for help for so long but i just get told to pull myself together and that im just being selfish and my actions are a low blow. I haven't been able to control anything lately and yet i keep stuffing every thing up big time. I just cant see a way out of this one there is to much damage that has already been done by me. Why cant i just see straight nd keep my feet on the ground. Why cant i just be normal and happy!?!

[Former-Member]

Hi So alone,

Well done for making that first step towards repairing things with your family, thats really brave and huge. I guess it might take a while for your family to see that you are really meaning what you say and trying to change some things? Don't lose heart after this first attempt, though i know it must have been hugely draining and disappointing not to get a response... 😞

I hate the way people assume that we can just 'snap out of it' and just get over it... sadly it doesnt work like that... and its so frustrating that those misconceptions are still out there. If i could just snap out of things... well my life would be a lot easier thats for sure!

Do you have a mental health worker/psychologist/counsellor at all? Please keep reaching out until you find someone who does listen, even a GP to get started or find some options in your local area. I know i wouldnt be where I am today with out my psychologist really listening and hearing me... getting that I couldnt just 'be' ok. 

I'm struggling at the moment and trying to really focus on my self care, getting enough sleep to start wtih and eating well, and finding time to relax (took kids to the playground at the lakes this morning and just strolled!) Try to do something nice for you today if you can, even if its something small and for 5 minutes.

Good luck, here listening

LJ

[Drac0]

Not good to hear today hasn't gone so well @Confused1, you seemed to be going a little better last night.

Sadly the way people react to those with issues like ours, even those who we want to believe would be our biggest supporters, is so clouded by lack of information & understanding of what we're going through & what we need at any given time. Some think there is no such thing as depression, BPD, etc or that it could afflict someone they know. Maybe it even makes them feel like they've failed, so they hide behind non-acceptance.

And all the time all we want is acceptance, understanding & maybe a hug when we're down. We don't want them to solve our problems, just be there when things aren't the best for us.

You've made the first step by reaching out for them, which is a good move on your part.  At least it lets them know that want & need them to be part of your life & support network. Hopefully over time they will come to understand thing more & be willing to help mend things.

Rebuilding bridges is a difficult thing, even worse when you don't know they are broken. I'm having my own issues there right now. Reached out to one of my relatives on Friday via Facebook. We had been very close a few years ago then ran into some problems that I had thought we were over. Messaged her asking to meet me for a cuppa & a chat in town to catch up. I was shocked when I came back later to find not only didn't I get a reply but instead I had been blocked!

I know you see your Dr tomorrow so be sure to let him know about this. It might not seem like something they need to hear but it is. It lets them know that you currently don't have some of the close support you may need or could be expected to have. It might change how the Dr handles things. That was one of my biggest problems for so long, not providing the information needed so they could help & support me properly.

And don't forget we're here and Lifeline is always available if it gets bad. I bet that there are a few of us that wish we could be there in real life to make sure you're ok & give whatever support you need.

Take care, you are not alone and you do make a difference in this world.

[Confused1]

Im and absolutely petrified of the dr tomorrow but i need to sort myself out. I was talking with a co worker today who has bipolar and what she was describing was a mirror image of my life. When im up i feel like im on top of the world and nothing can bring me down at all but when im down i crash really hard and really fast and then i feel like nothing is going good and i wont ever be good again its me against the world and every one is out to get me. I have depression but i just feel like there is something eles going on and im so scared but when i know what is going on i think i can handle thinds better

[Drac0]

I was thinking maybe BPD myself @Confused1, but I'm not a doctor & don't want to make things worse.

It is sooooooo important you tell the doc everything you can. Not doing so caused many problems for me over 11 years. I was diagnosed with major depression and that was how I was treated. Sadly there are some medications for depression that can really make things worse for someone with BPD & I think I used them all.

The problem was I was so depressed most of the time that when I saw my doctor I never told him everything that was going on, the short bursts of mania, sudden violent mood swing, days without sleep, being unable to stop my brain working - I could save the world!

It took a major upheaval in my life to finally break me down & spend so much time telling him everything I could. It changed my life. It's far from perfect now but it is a hell of a lot better than before my BPD diagnosis. This is why I now push so hard for people to let those who can help know everything. It's hard to do, but can make so much of a difference. If you think you can't actually say what needs to be said, try writing it down & giving it to your Dr.

Maybe you do have BPD, maybe not but the only way to find out is to be as honest as you can be. I'll be standing beside you in spirit holding your hand.

Take care.

[Drac0]

Got to take my mother to dinner so will be back in a few hours if you still need to talk.

[Appleblossom]

@Confused1

It sounds like you have been through the wringer.  At least you have tried to to reach out to your people .. its so hard as we cant control how they will respond .. but I, too, have reached out a lot ... and been rejected ... but at least I know in my heart that I did all I could so in a sense ... I have peace with that ... so can you ...

Good luck with the doctor

[Confused1]

Im really scared i dont think i have any support everyone is really mad at me for everything that i have done already. I told them i was sorry and i really ment it, and i haven't been able to control the things that i have done. I just keep hurting their feelings. I dont want them to just give up on me and i think thats whats happend. Please dont give up on me please im begging every one

[Drac0]

It's so hard for me to answer a post like this in an easy, "safe" manner.

Part of me wants to tell you to relax, everythings going to be fine & there are people there for you that you don't even realise you have. But what do I know except what you tell us here, all I can do is encourage you to be as strong as you can be and face what the day brings.

I do know you have 2 people who need you to use today as a step towards improving your future & theirs. How far & how fast today can help you to a better future really depends how honest you can be with yourself & how open you can be with your doctor. Don't be like me & leave it until it's too late.

I'm sure that somewhere around you there are people who want to help & support you, they just don't know how to deal with your situation yet. They haven't given up on you, they just don't know how to cope. I know when things were bad for me there were those around me like this. The hadn't really given up on me, just had no idea how to deal with me. Maybe if you are able to take the first small step on your own it will make it easier for them too.

@Confused1, I'm sorry that you feel that you are so alone today, and maybe physically & emotionally you don't have the support you feel you need. But there are people thinking of you, and it wouldn't surprise me if it includes a few of those you think have given up.

Take care, use today to the fullest you can!

[Shimmer]

@Confused1, we are here for you.

I'd like to echo @Drac0's words to take care of yourself today, and that there are probably many people in your life who care about you but are unsure how best to support you. Also, being open with your doctor and telling them all the different aspects of what's going on is very important - if what you're experiencing is bipolar rather than depression the treatments are very different and you need to ensure you're getting what you need for your symptoms.

@Former-Member's question about whether you are currently engaged with a mental health worker is a good one. Perhaps it would help to have someone supporting you while you are trying to rebuild some of your relationships?

What do you think you need right now @Confused1?