Hi @BlueBay.
Do any of really know the real us? Too deep for me to answer.
Now, I don't want you to freak out or anything but today may be a good thing. Not how you feel or anything, but the outcome. Here is why:
@Sadgirl wrote:
They made an appt for me. So I have just written a letter to him telling him the truth, I am not gong to hide anymore. He needs to know the truth about my thoughts and behaviour so then he can help me correctly.
In these few sentences you have done a lot. You have admitted to us and more importantly, to yourself, that up til now you haven't been telling everything, you have been holding back for whatever reason. You think of it as hiding. But today, this crappy as hell Monday, may mean more than you think. The day you decided no more, you want, need & are willing to accept help. Ready to lay everything out and say what needs to be said. To get where you need to be.
That's what happened to me about 4 years ago. In one day (after a long build up) my whole life blew up on me again, was torn apart. I thought it was the end for me. For years my doctors had known some of what was going on, I hadn't opened up fully. That day I decided it was enough, they needed to know it all. So I booked an extra long session with my GP & told him everything I could. It was a decision that changed my life. I think it's the day that I first accepted everything for what it was, really accepted that I had a mental illness.
My life is very far from perfect right now but I can tell you it is so different from five & more years ago. Because of this 'confession' my diagnosis & meds were changed, my whole mental health plan was altered. It still took a little while but things did improve a lot.
My lows don't seem so deep. I haven't had a full on manic episode for quite some time now. The violent mood swings are extremely rare & I seem to be able to control them better. My anxiety & stress levels are generally reduced. I can actually get out most days & talk to people. Panic attacks still happen occasionally, but with nowhere near the force they did. I can actually go and stay with my relatives for a few days rather than having the screaming in my head to go straight home. Sure, I still get periods of bad depression, times I don't want to be a part of anything, I still prefer to be alone than around too many others, but overall things are just so much better.
All because of one bad day. I really need to get around to posting my whole story here soon, maybe it WILL help some people. Not only to see what I went through but to show there is hope of change, of things getting so much better.
It won't be easy, I know that well. Writing it down rather than trying to say it all is a great idea. I really hope you have the courage, strength & commitment to see it through. To make sure as much as possible gets to those that need to hear it.
I have faith in you, try to have some in yourself too.
Take care, stay safe, be strong.
