Lived Experience Forum

[Fizzy]

I have been diagnosed with PTSD after involvement in an armed hold up at work at the beginning of the year. Prior to this I had been diagnosed with bipolar adjustment disorder OCC with associated anxiety chronic depression and the list goes on. I currently have an awesome psychiatrist who believes that I could possibly have been suffering PTSD for the last 30 years undiagnosed after my sister fell off a cliff crushing the left side of her head. She survived in body but the person we knew like her personality had died the day of her accident. Recognition of PTSD some 30 years ago wasn't great and not really something looked for in a 16 year old. My life between the two events has been nothing less than hell and trying to explain to my two adult children is near impossible. Neither of my daughters talk to me or have anything to do with me. I've given up trying to be part of there lives. It hurts. I know my actions have had negative impacts on their lives but I just want them to understand I had little control over these actions at the time. Im so sad

[esprit]

I don't know what to say. Just that I read your post and listening. Sending you my best wishes. Xx

[suzanne]

Hi @Fizzy, welcome to the Forums.  You've described two very painful and shocking events that have no doubt left an imprint and influenced your health and relationships over the years.   It's so great to hear that you have a good psychiatrist who is helping you to understand both the past and the present.

I hope that out of this work you'll find some self-compassion and forgiveness.  I wonder too if this work will give you the skills or opportunities to repair those relationships with your children.  It can only happen if they're open to it but it would be a wonderful thing to contemplate. 

You may be interested in taking part in the webinar next week on Healing Trauma.  You can find the link here.  We'll have some experts on trauma helping us to understand recovery.  It's a nice opportunity to tap into their experience.  I hope you can make it Fizzy.

If you have time, have a wander around and jump into any threads that interest you.  Lots of our members have had similarly difficult times and experiences so you are amongst understanding friends 🙂

[NikNik]

Hi @Fizzy

Sadly, your experience shows a common experience of the immense impact trauma can have on our lives. I'm so glad you came to the Forums and I hope you continue to post here and hear from others who've experienced trauma.

I wanted to let you know that next Tuesday 20 September we are hosting a webinar on Healing Trauma. You can find out more here

Take care

[Fizzy]

It's interesting that through my sessions with both my psychiatrist and Psycologist I'm beginning to recognise a pattern of not dealing with issues that arise in my life and have become quite skilled at hiding my true feelings. I've also become aware of a life long pattern to do a geographical when I can no longer endure my current life. I spoke with my Psychiatrist today and as with most sessions discovered a new facet to myself. My self loathing and dislike for who I have become is clear. My desperation to change is also evident. My ability to make those changes seems almost impossible. The life skills I need are many. I can't possibly expect others to like me or want to be around me if I don't like myself. Simple but fair assessment I think

[Former-Member]

Hi @Fizzy. I really feel for you in this tough predicament and for all you've been through. Maybe there's been a recent psychiatrists conference which reminded them all about the existence of PTSD, because I've experienced the same thing not very long back. Mine seems to have been caused by multiple compounding events, combined with lack of diagnosis or treatment since about 1987.
I'm still having random moments of recognition about how this condition must have been playing out in my life, my work, and my relationships over the years. On the one hand, I feel angry and saddened that I've lost the prime years of my life that can never be retrieved, but on the other I see a very bright but very tiny ray of hope that the rest of my life might well be the most amazing experience, by contrast. SO many mixed feelings!!