Lived Experience Forum

[ShiningStar]

Hi @Fireflyseeker 

It's so lovely to hear from you 💜

Thank you so much for your care and concern and for your lovely warm welcome back to the forums 💜

Although I still have days where I feel really overwhelmed and distressed, I’m in a better place than I was a few months ago 😊

Oh that’s so sweet of you - but please don’t worry 💜 The experiences that you share with me definitely don’t bring me down and as such I just ever so gently wanted to reassure you that when I listen to you, I don’t hear self-pity, but rather I hear someone who’s in a great deal of emotional pain and distress 💜

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re still trying to separate from your ex-partner and my heart goes out to you at such a difficult and distressing time 💜

As I listened to what you’ve shared with me, I can really hear how hard you’ve been working to achieve some separation and it sounds as though taking some time away from work, in addition to trialling a new medication has helped you to feel a little bit more sturdy within yourself 💜 As such, I just wanted to say that I think that you’ve done an amazing job to be able to maintain a period of separation for nineteen days - well done!

Oh Fireflyseeker 💜 as I continued to read and listen to this part of your story, I felt incredibly touched when you shared that you had the serenity prayer tattooed on your wrist and I felt that this speaks volumes in terms of just how distressed you’ve been feeling and how determined you are to maintain and sustain some distance from your ex-partner.

Although I’ve only heard the serenity prayer a few times, it’s such a beautiful and powerful verse and as such, I just ever so gently wondered if this has been helpful for you?

I’m so deeply sorry to hear that you’re still waking through the night and I just wanted to reassure you that I can really hear how terrified and desperate you’re feeling in relation to the changes in your weight 💜

In my experience, living in a body that we’re so desperately unhappy with can feel absolutely excruciating and I’ve lost count of the number of times in my life when I’ve struggled to find the words to accurately describe the depths of the distress and despair that I’ve felt in relation to this.

As I listened to everything that has been happening to you, I can really hear how hopeless you’re feeling at this time in your life 💜 I also got the sense that perhaps the number of therapy appointments that you have remaining and your concerns in relation to the progress that you’ve made are also contributing to some of your emotions 💜 As such, I just ever so gently wondered if you’ve had the opportunity to share your concerns with your Therapist at EDQ and your Psychiatrist?

In my experience, holding onto a sense of hope can be one of the hardest things to do, especially when despite all of our best efforts, nothing is changing in the way that we need it to.

With this in mind, I truly believe that it takes so much courage to continue to put one foot in front of the other and face another day - especially when all hope seems lost and as such, I think that it’s amazing that you’re hanging in there and still fighting to find a way forward 💜

Please know that I’m thinking of you and sending you a multitude of very caring and healing hugs 💜

Take kind and gentle care of yourself,

ShiningStar 💜

[Fireflyseeker]

Hi @ShiningStar 

Thank you once again for your reply. Your continued support is very much appreciated. 

I am sorry to hear you still feel overwhelmed and distressed sometimes.   I can only imagine what that feels like.   But it is great to hear those days are less than they were. 

I failed again at no contact.   He came up and talked to me and I wouldve have told him no.   Instead I talked back and eventually we ended up having lunch each day together and then we kissed.   So I have restarted no contact. I am on day 2.

My tattoo is going to help me this time. 

I am going back to my psychologist I saw pre the EDQ practitioner.   I'll see how that goes.   

My psychiatrist suggested cannabis oil to help with my night time waking.  So I've started that process and should be starting the oil in 2 weeks.  But it expensive so I don't know how long I will be able to take it for. 

In the meantime I have been saying an affirmation around my night time eating and that seems to have reduced the number of times I wake up.  So I'm happier about that and have seen my size decrease a little as a result of less night time eating. 

But I would still love to not eat at all at night. 

Thank you for the hugs.   My ex was very affectionate and I never wanted for hugs.  But now I find myself adrift and lacking any affection.   Which is very hard. 

I hope you continue to have more better days and find some peace. 

[ShiningStar]

Hi @Fireflyseeker 

It’s so lovely to hear from you 💜

You’re most welcome - I’m always happy to offer you my support 💜

Thank you so much for your kind words - they mean so much to me 💜 Lately, I’ve realised just how unbalanced my life has become and so I’ve been thinking about some of the ways that I can change this 😊 Although at this stage I’m still brainstorming, I’ve been toying with the idea of learning how to sew my own clothes and horse riding! Although I can’t ride a horse to save myself, I still think that there’s something really therapeutic about connecting with animals 😊 With this in mind, I just wondered if there’s anything that you really enjoying doing, or if there’s something that you would like to try your hand at?

Oh Fireflyseeker 💜 I’m so sorry to hear about what happened with your ex-partner and just from what you described, it sounds as though you found yourself in an incredibly difficult and vulnerable position 💜

Absolutely! It’s so painful when the people who were providing us with affection, are no longer a part of our lives and as such, I can really appreciate how this has left a void and an emptiness in your life 💜

Although I’ve never used cannabis oil, I’ve read some information about some of the potential benefits and I would love to hear if this is helpful for you (if you feel comfortable to share 💜) Unfortunately, it does seem to be quite expensive, which makes it so difficult for people to continue treatment. Hopefully one day it will be subsided through the Pharmaceutical Benefits Scheme, so that it’s accessible for everyone who needs it 💜

Oh Wow! That’s amazing! I’m so thrilled to hear that you’re waking a little less frequently through the night and that as a result, you’ve been able to reduce your night time eating! This is such an incredible achievement and as such, I just wanted to take a moment to celebrate this with you 💜

I really love how your planning to reconnect with your previous Psychologist and I’ll keep my fingers crossed that this will be a new beginning for you and that you’ll start to take a few more steps forward and see some of the changes that you’re longing for 💜

As I was sitting here thinking about some of the things that you’ve shared with me about your recovery journey, I just ever so gently wondered if you’ve considered applying to the NDIS for some additional support?

Please know that I’m thinking of you at this difficult time and sending you heaps of hugs 💜

Take kind and gentle care of yourself,

ShiningStar 💜

[Fireflyseeker]

Hi @ShiningStar 

So good to hear from you.   

Your idea to balance your life through new Activities is a good one.  Horseriding is fun once you get the hang of it.  I tried sewing my own clothes once bit it was a big fail so I gave up.  But hopefully you'll have more success then me. 

Unfortunately the only activity I enjoy these days is reading crime thrillers.  I used to live for dancing but that passion has deserted me.  And that's part of my problem.  I have no passion for anything but my daughter.  I think that is partly why I often feel life is pointless with out a special person.

So far I've had no benefit from the cannabis oil.  But I am still titrating my dose upwards as prescribed. 

I have started waking up more again unfortunately.   The celebration was short lived.

I haven't thought about applying for the NDIS.  I wouldn't have thought I'd be eligible. 

Thank you for the hugs 🫂 🤗 

Take care and good luck with the brain storming.  😊

[ShiningStar]

Hi @Fireflyseeker 

It’s so lovely to hear from you 💜

Thank you so much for your encouragement 💜 I’m hoping that by gradually introducing a few small changes, it will become easier for me to maintain a sense of balance 💜

That’s great that you tried to sew your own clothes - but so frustrating that it didn’t go to plan! I can still remember trying to sew an apron for a school assignment and how I spent nearly every lesson unpicking what I’d sewed! The end product was nothing like I envisaged and from memory, I barely passed! A few weeks ago, I discovered that my local library are offering free classes for people who are interested in learning how to sew a basic skirt - which I thought may be achievable 😆

I’m so sorry to hear that you no longer have a passion for dancing and I can really hear how much it means to you to be able to share your life with someone special and that without this, things just don’t feel the same for you 💜

Oh wow! Thank you so much for sharing that you have a daughter 💜 How old is your little one? Although I’m not a mum myself, I’ve always loved children and as such, I’ve spent a large part of my career working with children and families 💜

I’m so sorry to hear that you haven’t noticed any improvement since taking the cannabis oil and that you’ve started to wake up again through the night and I can only begin to imagine how you may be feeling at this time 💜 As such, I just ever so gently wondered if your Psychiatrist was able to estimate how long it may take before you begin to notice some changes?

Late last year, my Therapist suggested that we apply to the NDIS for some additional support. I felt really uneasy about taking this step, as I didn’t feel that I met the eligibility criteria. However, much to my surprise my application was approved. In my experience, working out if you’re eligible can be really tricky, as everyone’s circumstances are so different 💜 As such, I just thought that I’d just share some information about the eligibility criteria - just in case this is something that you would like to explore further 💜

https://www.ndis.gov.au/applying-access-ndis/am-i-eligible

It’s always so lovely to be able to talk with you and please know that I’m thinking of you and sending you heaps of hugs 💜

Take kind and gentle care of yourself,

ShiningStar 💜

[Joy63]

@Fireflyseeker 

Hi there,

I absolutely feel your pain 😞. I am an   overeater resulting in me becoming obese. I too had a surgery for weight loss in March 2019. I lost a lot of weight. So the eating disorder was reasonably dormant for awhile.

However as the capacity of my stomach has grown I am now able to eat a lot of food and the overeating has come back with a vengeance, same goes for my weight.

I am very worried about it. The weight gain is not nice at all but it is the overeating that gets in the way of my everyday living.

I don’t wake up at night to eat , although I have done this at times. I overeat at any time and pretty much every day.

I would really love to have a face to face support group but I’m not sure how to go about it. Maybe I can get some ideas from people on the forum.

I also have type two bipolar. Sometimes I don’t know if it’s the bipolar causing the overeating or the overeating causing the Moodswings. I think it’s a bit of both. I am quite a happy bubbly person at my best however lately I can see myself deteriorating mentally, starting to withdraw and my life is getting smaller again.

I’m sending out lots of care and compassion to everyone and hope to meet people who understand these illnesses. 🙂

[Fireflyseeker]

Hi @ShiningStar ,

Have you taken up the free classes for sewing at the local library?   If so, are you enjoying it?  Hopefully it is going better than your school project. 

My daughter is 7yo.  I am a full time single mum as I used a s p e r m donor.  She is the one thing that keeps me going. 

I stopped the cannabis oil as it started giving me abdominal pain every day.   So I'm back to square one.  I have since tried another sleeping medication but that hasn't worked.   I will get back in touch with my GP soon to see if she has any other suggestions. 

Thank you for the NDIS suggestion.   I have had a look at the eligibility criteria but I don't think it applies to me. 

I am back to no contact with my ex.  My psychologist agrees it is an addiction and as such I need to rid myself of my drug to get better.  In other words go cold Turkey.  I made it to 17 days and then I talked to him.   I am hoping I haven't set myself back. 

I am on a training course for work tomorrow and Friday.  It is for my role as a sexual assault nurse Examiner (SANE).  there is an in person or on line option.  I think it would be best for me to go in person as then I could net work.  But my default setting atm is to hide away from the world.

Thank you as always for your reply 😊 

[Fireflyseeker]

Hi @Joy63 ,

Thank you for your post. 

I can certainly understand how you feel.   I get upset with myself as I don't understand why I do something that takes me further away from where I want to be. 

I think there is a group called overeaters anonymous.  Maybe there is one in your area. 

Are you under the care of a psychologist or psychiatrist? 

I don't really know much about bipolar but I would think your overeating could most certainly affect your moods.

Sorry to hear you are mentally deteriorating.  But it is good that you are able to be cognizant of this.   I think that is the first step. 

Keep trying to reach out.   I am sure there are others in this group who can provide support too.

Take care ❤

[ShiningStar]

Hi @Fireflyseeker 

It’s so lovely to hear from you 💜

Thank you so much for asking about my sewing adventures 😊 Unfortunately, I lost track of time and so I missed out on the course that they were offering last month at the library. However, I’m going to keep my eyes peeled just in case they offer this particular course (or a similar course) in the New Year 😊

Oh wow! I think that’s amazing and just from what you shared, it sounds as though the relationship that you share with your daughter is an incredibly strong protective factor for you 💜

You’re welcome and that’s absolutely no worries at all about the NDIS 😊

I’m so sorry to hear about the side effects that you’ve been experiencing from the cannabis oil and in my experience, it can be incredibly distressing and disheartening when we find ourselves back at square one 💜 As such, I really love your idea of touching base with your GP to explore other options and I’ll keep my fingers crossed that she’ll be able to recommend a different medication for you 💜

Oh Fireflyseeker 💜 Going ‘cold turkey’ can be such an enormous undertaking and as I sat here listening to you, I can really hear how worried you are that you may have set yourself back by talking to your ex-partner after seventeen days of non-contact 💜As such, I just ever so gently wanted to reassure you that recovery is a process whereby we can often find ourselves taking steps forward, backwards and sideways 💜

With this in mind, I also just wanted to say that I think that the way that you persevere is amazing and I have no doubt that in time (and with the necessary care and support) you’ll be able to make the changes in your life that you’ve been working so hard to achieve 💜

Oh wow! I always wanted to work as a nurse and I can still remember when I was younger creating a hospital in the corner of my bedroom where I diligently cared for all of my sick and injured cuddlies 😆

Just from what I’ve read, the role of a Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner sounds like a wonderful initiative and I have no doubt that you would make such a profound difference to the lives of so many people who have experienced the trauma of sexual assault 💜

As I sat here thinking about the decision that you made to attend the training in person, I just wanted to say that I think that you were incredibly brave to take this step - especially when all you wanted to do was hide away from the world 💜 With this in mind, I just ever so gently wondered how you found attending the training in person?

Please know that I’m thinking of you and sending you a multitude of healing hugs 💜

Take kind and gentle care of yourself,

ShiningStar 💜

[Fireflyseeker]

@ShiningStar 

Hello!  So good to hear from you 🙂

That is a shame you missed the sewing course but hopefully they'll offer it again soon. 

I did go back to my GP.  I have since tried 2 different sleeping medications in addition to the ones I already take.   I thought if I could just sleep through and not wake up at night I would be able to avoid eating.  But unfortunately I just started sleep eating.  Which scared me even more as I didn't know what I was eating and how much energy it contained.  So now I am feeling like there will never be a solution to my problem if it still occurs when I'm not even conscious.  My way of coping is to set out pre portioned amounts of food to eat each time I wake up. But for a while now I have been eating lots more than what I set out.  This is usually sweet or savoury foods that I keep in the house for my daughter.   My psychologist suggested I get a time lock box that won't open until the time runs out from when I set it so that I don't have access to those other foods.   I have ordered 6 of them as they are quite small. But they are coming from overseas so will take some time to get here. 

I did set myself back by talking to my ex. Because before I knew it it became hugging and kissing again.   So I reinstated no contact and I am on day 13.  I have changed my loch time to deliberately avoid him.  I have also been eating in my office to avoid him too.  But it is all very painful.

My psychologist recommended a book called Reinventing Your Life.  It's based on schema therapy.  And it turns out my schemas explain why I picked a married man in the first place and why I keep going back.   It still doesn't solve the problem but it helps to know I'm not just pathetic. 

Thank you for recognising my perseverance.  I really am trying to improve my life.  It is just so hard. 

I did go to my training in person.  But had to leave early both days as my daughter felt sick at school. So I missed the bit that I really wanted to be there for.  But I'm glad that I made myself go.

I am really struggling with my body and how it appears.  With my night time eating being worse than ever I am getting bigger.  It is really uncomfortable for me.  My daughter even told me I looked pregnant.   And I have had to increase clothes size.  But I am ready a book called More Than a Body.  It is about appreciating your body for what it can do rather than judging it in how it looks. The catch phrase is "your body is an instrument,  not an ornament". It would be great to really believe this one day. 

Anyway that is probably enough about me for now. 

I hope you are continuing to have more better days than not. ❤