Lived Experience Forum

[BlueBay]

Hi everyone

I thought I would say a bit about my story and why I am on here.  I probably should have written something a few weeks ago when I first came on.  But here goes:

Six years ago I was seeing a psychologist for work stress.  After a few weeks I told him i had memories of being sexually abused as a child.  I was abused by 3 different people at different times at the age of 9-12 yrs old.  It was devastating, traumatic and emotional.  After a few weeks I plucked up the courage to tell my husband.  I decided to tell him with my psychologist there as well for support.  I read him a letter and it was an emotional session. After that I thought I need to tell my parents.  I tried to bring up the conversation with my mum telling her i was suffering depression. After a few weeks she phoned me and 'hassled' me on the phone, asking so many questions.  At the end I blurted out that i have memories of being abused. She was supportive for a few weeks but then changed dramatically.  She called me one day and said 'i need to speak to you, so you and your husband are to come over'.  

My husband and I went to my parents house but only my mum was there.  She opened the door and had this hard cold look on her face.  I asked her where dad was and she replied 'he's not here, he doesn't want to see you or hear what you have to say'.  But i knew that was her plan not my dad's.  She started yelling at me telling me 'how dare you wait 30 yrs to tell me about the abuse'.  she said to my husband 'and you are not a proper husband because you should have told me'. he said i only did what my wife said to do and i was supporting her. i asked her to just listen to me for a minute because i had a letter to read her; she replied 'i don't want to hear what you have to say, i am not interested'. So with that i grabbed my bag and walked out hysterically.  

We drove home and i went straight to bed, hysterical that my own mum could be like this. all i wanted was for her to hug me. and i so wanted my dad. 

I sent her the letter that i was meant to read to her and she posted it back.  i then sent my dad a birthday card and gift and she sent that back as well.  

For 4 yrs they never contacted me or my children.  my daughter turned 21 and they never sent her anything, my son turned 21 the year after and again nothing.  do you know how that hurt me??

Then in 2014 my grandmother passed away so I decided to reunite with my parents. It was an emotional time seeing my dad, i sobbed and sobbed so much. i didn't care much about my mum, all i wanted was my dad.  i felt like a little girl again wanting to be hugged by her dad.

That year was different, i knew it would never be the same again. i would often invite them over for lunch but always they had an excuse to not come.  Christmas came and no invitation and an excuse as to why she couldn't have us there.  

In June 2015 I was admitted into hosptial for a break. I didn't tell my mum as she had stopped calling me and would always wait for me to call her. So i didn't bother.  She eventually phoned me and found out i was in hospital. I called her and yet again i was in for more abuse.  Abuse on the phone, the same story as 4 years before.  She then said i had to stop talking to my sister to which i replied "you can't tell me to stop talking to my sister". She then said 'you have betrayed the family" - to which I hung up. You can imagine i was an hysterical mess, i threw my phone and ran out of my room.  The nursing staff had to calm me down and work out what had happened.  They ended up giving me a medication to help me calm down and sleep.

So to this day, 2016 I am still not talking to them.  I really want to see my dad so much, I hurt so much, I am in pain not being able to see him - all because of my mum.  She is one controling and manipulative person; one that i never want to see again.

Sorry for length of post.

[Drac0]

Thanks for sharing this @BlueBay, not only a difficult issue but must be hard to be so open about it.

Sounds like your mother is in total denial about your situation. She obviously has some control over your father & is actively keeping you from contact with someone you care about. I don't know, maybe she can't believe someone she knew/knows would do such a thing to you. For the short period she appeared to be supportive do you think she may have talked to those involved & took their side, believing them saying it didn't happen?

While your mother sounds like someone you can do without in your life, adding to your other issues, I really hope that you can find a way to have more contact with your father. It's so sad that problems with one person prevents contact with someone you want to be close to.

Take care, stay safe.

[BlueBay]

Thank you Drac0
I was crying while reading your reply - it's not your fault - it's just that I feel like I'm grieving my parents especially my dad and now with MIL in nursing home.
I just miss my dad so much. I am a crying mess.
We're about to go to nursing home so I'll come back on here later and chat more

[BeYo]

Hi @BlueBay,

I can relate to some of your story.

I got PTSD from physical abuse from my parents.

Not just PTSD, I can see half of my father's family have some sort of mood disorder. My father was an angry man. My mother was supportive towards "kids need to be smacked".

Luckily, I got inherited bipolar from my father. I used that manic power as a defense mechanism. From the age of 10, I started physically fighting my manic father back.

My mother often neglected me. She "manages" our family lives. I grew up cutting myself and banging my head to the wall. Thats part of BPD.

Now, I get verbally and physically defensive towards people. I do "dissociation" too. Thats part of PTSD.

The bipolar part of me is over excitement/happiness and creativity. 

I dont abuse drugs, sex and alcohol because the BPD part of me hold me back (being passive).

But together bipolar, PTSD and BPD make me an angry person. 

[BlueBay]

Hi @BeYo & @Drac0

Can either of you lovely people explain (if you know) what dissociation is?  

Sometimes when I am in a session with my therapist I can 'drift' away somewhere else and not be present in the room.  And it can take a few minutes for the therapist to bring me back to the present.

Not sure if that is dissociation???

I can even ask my psych today when I go.

@BeYo I too get angry and sometimes for no partiuclar reason.  I can snap very quickly to the kids or hubby.  And then I put myself down becaues of my behaviour.  I think this is part of BPD.

Also I am sorry to read that you were physically abused by your parents.  😞

I hope you are doing okay today.

[Drac0]

Hi @BlueBay.

The question of dissociation is probably something you should leave to your psych to discuss.

As I understand it (which isn't much), it can take a number of forms. Probably one of the more common ones is you see things happening but you aren't connected to them, it's more like watching a movie. Your detached from it all, the memories, emotions, even the physical sensations. Maybe you're drifting away could be some form, I really don't know.

Sudden & often violent mood swings was something I experienced for many years. It can be quite scary too. Would be doing something like playing happily with the kids then WHAM! One tiny insignificant thing & the anger would explode. Not nice to be around at all. And yes, afterwards you just hate yourself for it, feeding your depression. I don't know if this is part of BPD, bipolar or something else.

Hope today goes well for you @BlueBay and you get NOT a label but the diagnosis & treatment plan you need.

Take care.

[peace]

@BlueBay sorry for your pain of being sexually abused and the deep cut of rejection from your mother. I hope somehow you maybe able to reconnect with your father. And I also hope your relationship with your sister is a solid and happy one. You've been blessed with a loving and supportive husband.

[BlueBay]

Thanks Peace for your reply. I don't think I'll ever get to see my dad again. With my mums controlling behaviour that will be impossible. I do have a supportive husband and 3 amazing children.

[Drac0]

I really hope you do get to have time with your father in the future @BlueBay, but at least you're conscious of & grateful for those that are around you.

Take care.

[GothMum]

I've had the 'dissociation' as a defence against things becoming out of control too, @BlueBay, @Drac0, @BeYo, except I didn't realise it was dissociation. I thought it was the start of some kind of psychosis. I don't have the diagnosis of ptsd, but there's enough trauma there to qualify, if I didn't have so many other diagnoses. I've learned that the peculiar behaviours that I vaguely recall, but as if someone else was doing them are dissociations. But yes, @BlueBay, if you are concerned about unexplained behaviours talk to your therapist rather than trying to self diagnose.

(I was abused by my mother as a young child, and when I told a school counsellor, my parents were called in and told. It made my relationship with my mother even worse. Mandatory reporting can be overly excessive, but it's better than what happened in the past)

@BlueBay, you're not alone 😘