Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

 I need advice from my fellow sane mates

As mentioned ,I have suffered severe depression and anxiety.I met someone last year,and I have continually pushed him away,due to my condition,worried that I'm not in a good place,not burden him,plus my unemployment,and I live with my elderly parent who I have felt responsible for since the passing of my other parent over 25 years ago when I was 19.He says I always think the worse which is true,I have tried to shut him out several times,ending it,but last night we text and I let in to "give it a go".He says it doesn't matter my circumstances,he likes me regardless.I would rather be in a better position.When I agreed to give it a go I have been stressed since,not slept much,and feel the pressure,plus guilt over the thought of leaving my elderly parent.Im worried I'm going to hurt him  in the process.I have backed out several times,due to my doubts,concerns and fears,but do have a soft spot for him.I. just worry I can handle the pressure of this relationship.

[Sahara]

Hi @Former-Member,

I'm no expert on relationships, but I have suffered from anxiety and depression. Personally, I think the right relationship will help you feel understood and supported and should not be too stressful... but then I guess it depends on what your issues are.

I had several failed relationships before I met the man I married. Consequently, I did feel enormous anxiety about getting involved again, because I did not want to get hurt. It sounds to me like you are in a different place; not wanting to hurt someone else- which is very kind of you. 

It's great that you have told your boyfriend where you stand- you have told him about the depression, unemployment and your elderly parent. He must be a pretty great guy if he isn't discouraged by these things! 

I was the opposite to you; I feared revealing the truth to my potential partners, as I believed they would run for the hills if they knew I was not a great catch. Well, around 90% of the men I dated were critical of me and looking to find fault in everything I did or said, so then it's no surprise that they did drop me as soon as they caught a glimpse of my depressed side.

@Former-Member, it sounds like you have found a keeper. What attracted you to him in the beginning?

Are you able to talk over your issues with a psychologist? 

I'm sure no decent guy would expect you to abandon an elderly parent.... why not take it one day at a time and see how it goes?

[Former-Member]

@Former-Member, all I can say is GO SLOW. Build a good friendship first. Stay aware of and separate old from new internal baggage. There's no rush, be yourself. xox

[Lunar]

Hello @Former-Member,

He sounds like he is really supportive and understanding of your situation, especially if he has continually been there since last year, I can understand your anxiety around letting him in, most people feel this way when starting to date it can be risky letting someone in.

You seem to really care about him if you are not wanting to burdon him, but by letting him in you will be able to cope better as you are supported by him, try to look at it as being a team rather than coping on your own, if that makes sense?

It's important to not give up the things that are important to you, like caring for your parent and he will understand.

And most importantly enjoy this time together! Take it day by day and have fun together, who knows what amazing things might happen 🙂

[Former-Member]

Hello @Former-Member @Former-Member

You have given 25years of your life to support your parent. That is lovely.

You said " I have felt responsible for since the passing of my other parent"

Have you had any contact with Carers Australia. They are a great organisation.

My sister cares for our mum, since her husband died 6years ago. My sister does not have a mental illness but I have witnessed the mind struggles that occur between the two. I have tried to assist, provide respite for a couple of days a week, but I am not wanted. They have closed all doors in relation to the caring side. I am only needed when my sister needs to go into hospital.

I think that aside from your own mental health, you definitely need support with the caring of your parent as loving as they might be.

I am trying to show you how much of a person's energy and life is affected, without them having a mental illness.

Guilt is not allowed in caring for someone, love is and sometimes the carer and the person they are caring for cling to each other not allowing others into their life out of fear.

It is wonderful that you have met a man who has listened to you and shown compassion when you have been so honest and open with him.

As I have said to my sister, enjoy your time together, enjoy the present, do not worry about the future, do not worry about your parent, let go for a little while that is a necessary part of caring, use respite. Carers Australia will help you.

As @Former-Member mentioned, go slowly, there is no rush. Enjoy the freedom.

You are entitled to happiness also.

[Former-Member]

Thanks Tawny, Sahara,Lunar and Mohill

Tried to see my psychologist next week but she's on leave.Have to see her following week.Told my mother this morning about thinking about"giving it a go".I was surprised she was for it, shocked actually, but she fails to comprehend the day to day issues.If I did leave I would be 30 minutes away,she has a medical alert necklace but I would still worry.I would come up to do cleaning,washing ,mowing ,gardening etc.I sold the family farm,to get my own life, brought this house and I left her to move to the city nearby to gain employment.Nothing worked out,had neighbours from hell, couldn't get a job,moved back in with her after 6 months away.I felt defeated traumatized from believing in myself from counseling for 3 years  from a breakdown in life and selling the farm.It was so hard leaving her then and now she is older and worse,I told him a few weeks ago I could never leave her.At the same time,I knew I was giving up,.The farm was sold because we get along,but had issues like anyone else, including her not allowing me to live my own life or projecting problems,not mine onto me so she didn't have to face the fact that anyone else,including siblings had faultsShe contributed greatly to my illness through being self centred..She made me feel very guilty,when I left before,played on me and I do feel responsible for her.Thats why I was surprised by her support of the relationship.I am very anxious but,and don't know how it will go.I could only text thim this afternoon because I was really nervous.I don't know how it will go.I'm worried the pressure will be too much.This afternoon I had to put earplugs in my ears to listen to music to relax my breathing.I know I was highly on edge.As well I have the usual body issues,As mentioned I have lost over 100 kgs in my lifetime,and my body is excess skin,stretch marks and "down there"is affected by obesity issues.I had women troubles a few months back with the anxiety and depression ,and causing severe distress.I was put on the pill and it lasted three weeks ,didn't like feeling like bloating,keeping me awake,headaches, and fear of weight gain on it when I have arthritis bad,so I'm worried about that.I know it may give me a reason to live but I'm worried my anxiety and depression will be a big problem .Thanks for your feedback.I appreciate it.

[younglawyer]

take the risk, life is short. He sounds like a keeper !! I felt the same when meeting my current fiance, unsure unsafe and wondering why burden someone with my dysfunctionality? I took the risk and it was the best decision I ever made he is the best support and advocate for my mental health 😃

[Former-Member]

Thanks younglawyer,hope you are feeling more positive.But I now realise I have made a big mistake,I don't think he is for me ,when I talked to him on the phone last night I don't have positive thoughts of feelings.Im giving it a go to see if anything is there but then you put up with their fantasy of "being in a relationship,can I call you darl?".I think I need to focus on getting myself to a better place and getting a job.I will give it a chance but I think I'm doing it for the wrong reasons,such as loneliness,and guilt over continually rejecting him during my bouts  of depression.He rang me Xmas Eve but I didn't want to talk due to the depression.Know I let guilt eat me up.