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Living with someone who has bpd

Hi , my partner has just been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, we have been together 11 years and in the last two/ three years it’s been a real hard time , we kept having this cycle of arguements, were I was feeling like my feelings and my issues with help around the house or even things to help out as a couple we’re not being held up by him. I never knew he had bpd at these times , we done couple councilling and seen psychologist, his assesment always said ptsd from child hood trauma . He would get into arguments from sept , time of his trauma and keep going till I had enough by feb , I would only end up ending the relationship after he had started taking drugs and lie to me and he suffers psychosis on come downs and become agitated and scream and yell at me over little things . We would seperate, on these separations he would increase drug intake and sleep with other women while telling me he was gonna stop and we would get back together . He would always end up back here after I went chasing him and telling him to stop drugs or loose his family . Then we would start new meds and get back into a good place and it would last till the next sept . This last year I lost weight and he become very insecure and questioned my intensions with other men etc , I let him track me as I don’t hide anything and believe in honesty and if this settles his mind I’m happy to help . But he would cross lines all the time in chat with women , flirty nature , I worked out he like the attention . But this year I decided not to let him push me to leave him again , well that didn’t go well , he decided to walk out on me . I decided it’s time he learned a lesson and he knows if he wants me it’s drug free , he went on ice and weed , sold few things here , then was living in his truck , he decided to move to Renmark 300 klm away . He was still doing weed , blaming me for everything . Yet he walked away , I told him he could come weekend only drug free to see kids , each weekend it would end with a fight . I told him he does him, I do me . Well he finally kicked weed after a come down at my place that resulted in him physically hurting me , I did defend myself and  told him I would never tolerate that again . But I’m heat of arguements nothing he says makes sence , one word can set him off , like I’ll say we can’t live together again till you help yourself . I used to do everything for him , I’m tired now of it all , I started to feel like I’m nothing to him, like I was not a priority on his list at all , yet I loved him held him to top of mine . Following this altercation I called cops he went to mental health , they let him go home . He said he was sorry knew it was psychosis and wanted to stop weed . But I heard this each year . Im

acared to let him in fully now as I’m not the person who wants to care for him like my children no more , I need some love in return , he thinks sex is love , I want quality time and a helping hand . The next weekend he come again and now picked up smoking to deal with his stress as he said , I was cold towards him cause of week before and because smoking smelt so bad , I voiced my opinion and it set him off , I feel like I say the wrong things all the time . He can choose to do these things but it’s not what I want for me in a relationship , healthy reasons and I can’t stand smell . So he went out back after yet another fight over me wanting more time to spend with him , he was drinking vodka and then I get notified from another he posted online , so I went outside and noticed he tried to suicide he had not taken to many ,

In hospital he was happy to be there and spent days waiting for a bed , he got an assesment done and diagnosed bpd. We was in great place again , he acknowledged his blame on him self finally as it was always me doing this and that . But once he got out he didn’t do as they said to do to help himself . He returned to Renmark after an arguement , one were I felt down a bit and he asked me what was wrong I said I felt down and your mood rubbed off on me , but I’ll be ok soon as I was listening to music to pull myself out of it . Then he lost it said don’t blame me for your mood , I said I don’t I got in it myself . But he would not stop or listen so I stopped talking . He got up next day and seen me crying , said new day fresh start , no apology at all . I said ok , but then he asked why I was crying , I said I just can’t see how we can get past all this fighting and how it’s gonna work out . Then I get text saying I’m gonna go home as I don’t feel welcome no more , he wanted me to make him feel better , but I was just crying and got no hug, no it’s gonna be ok , no nothing . It’s like my feelings don’t exhist . It’s hard to try move forward each time . It’s like we both speak a diff language , he sees bad in me trying to talk about our issues so we can work through them , I need to set boundaries and that’s a issue to even bring it up . The thing is I love him

, I truly do and I do know he loves me , we share a passion in bedroom, but communication is so bad. If I don’t make it there is none and if I make it I put my foot in it with a negative thing that set him off . He has been back this week for 5 days this time , had a few words but no fights this time .  He won’t exercise, don’t seem to do much to help his mental health , but says he hates the way he is . If I ask him

if he is gonna go in treadmil it’s a sore point . But in my eyes I won’t be letting him come home without a commitment to his mental health and a way for me to feel wanted and validated . His psychologist is gone for three months too , which don’t help either, she don’t think he has bpd, but I read up on it and he does . But also see narcissistic traits , if we argue he actually fights like he hates me and wants to hurt me , then he throws in self harm and wanting to die , screams down ph so loud , then he calls cops on himself goes to mental health and calls me and tells me and acts like it’s all great again. I’m wondering if he does this cause in past we have been great after admissions till the next year . But this year it’s been going since jan , June now and it’s one week here one week away . I don’t know if I can do it again , the cycle behaviour.  When we are good it’s great, my weight loss triggered something inside him as I left my ex after I lost weight and he asked me if I was doing same in jan I said no , he. Left me and then blamed me said he had no choice as if he stayed he would of hurt me and he felt like I made him leave . I didn’t at all I kept reasurring him . Think he was happier when I was fat . I really don’t know how I can help my situation and move forward without feeling hurt all the time , his moods rub off on me, his arguing drives me mad . I don’t yell , I just sit there listening to him, yet he says I don’t listen and it’s him who don’t ever listen to me or my problems or our issues to work through. 

Sorry for long post 

10 REPLIES 10

Re: Living with someone who has bpd

Hey @Jojo30,

Welcome to the forums. I'm one of the moderators. It is a very courageous thing to come to a new space and share what is happening for you. I hope you find the forums really supportive.  

It sounds so hard what you are experiencing in this relationship. His behaviour at times sounds so hurtful and devastating and I can hear you are feeling exhausted. Other people on the forums are also supporting loved ones with BPD and I hope they can offer some advice or support. 

I'm wondering if you have any support with this just for yourself and the kids? Have you ever called 1800 RESPECT? They support people who are in a relationship where violence or abuse occurs. It sounds like things can get very scary at times, like when he did use physical violence. 

Take care of yourself, 

Tortoiseshell 

 

Re: Living with someone who has bpd

hi @Jojo30 and welcome
How are you going since your first post?
i dont live with someone who has bpd but i do have it myself and will try to help you where i can. If i remember correctly @Determined has a partner with BPD and may be able to offer some advice

Re: Living with someone who has bpd

Hi , thanks for checking in , things have settled since he changed back to old meds, he is trying hard to think positive and it shows in the hard work he is putting in. Been a better week so far, we went through some boundaries and talked about a lot of insecurities. 

He goes back to Renmark tomorrow till Friday , so we will see how the next week goes . But I’m proud of hard he is trying. It’s a positive change, now he knows what to do and what he is diagnosed with . Just needs to get the drug issue under control, but he stopped a month ago and told me he knows it triggered all his insecurities and depression again, so he has chose to get locked into detox, to learn strategies so he don’t go down that path again. But he used ice to control his anger outburst the last time and it settled him down. 

So a lot of positive atm and I’m definitely telling him how proud I am of him. 

Re: Living with someone who has bpd

im glad things have settled @Jojo30 and that there are some positives.
how are you going as well?

please also have a look around and join in where you like. we have a thread called hot chocolate and that can be found in the social section where carers just have a virtual cuppa and a chat.
also to tag members so they get a notification just as you have just put an @ at the front of the members name (no spaces) or itll pop in in a drop down box, then just click on the name and itll tag them for you

Re: Living with someone who has bpd

It sounds like things are looking up @Jojo30 and it's great that you are saying how proud you are of your partner. How are things with you? Have you been looking after yourself?

Re: Living with someone who has bpd

@Ali11 , yeh I like to go for walks in nature and I attend a gym, some weekend I go for a bike ride, partner comes some times and we get coffee together . I always make sure I do what I need to care for myself and my mental health as I am carer to both my sons who have autism and adhd . Just wish summer would hurry up.

Re: Living with someone who has bpd

We're so pleased to hear that you are looking after yourself @Jojo30, we hear you about summer! Is that your favourite season? 

Re: Living with someone who has bpd

@Ali11 , yeh I love summer , love being outside

Re: Living with someone who has bpd

Hi,

I have BPD too but I don't use my mental illness as an excuse for bad behaviour.( I'm sure I dud once upon a time .. The thing is, the more you accept his bad behaviour and excuses, the more likely he is to carry on with it. You absolutely do need boundaries , you need to make it clear what you will and won't tolerate. Of course, I know, it's not that simple either but boundaries are a start..best of luck..

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