Lived Experience Forum

[Surviving85]

Hi,

First time on the forum, and hoping to be able to share my experience and get some feedback from people with a lived experience.  

I only started to have symptoms of mental illness in my mid thirties, and since then things went downhill pretty quickly.  My first admittance to a public mental health facility was as a result of being scheduled, and within two weeks I went from holding down a full time professional role to being In the high dependency unit of the local psychiatric hospital. Since then I have had an additional 3 admissions in 3 years, including over 15 Ect sessions which has significantly affected my memory. I have probably spent 5 months in the last couple of years in inpatient facilities.  

The issue is nobody knows except my husband and my parents.  People think that I have been overseas but really I have been in hospital.  I am not embarrassed by what I have been through, however to protect my career I have had to go down this road.  

Keeping everything to myself has worked well for my career but not for the informal support that I probably need.  Holding a secret like this can be very challenging and sometimes I just wish I could tell somebody but sometimes the lie itself gets bigger than the truth.  How do you tell people that all the overseas trips didn't happen, that you were in fact in hospital?  I sometimes feel like I am just waiting for someone to find out the truth.

Thanks for reading.

[Happyman]

I found it hard to keep a secret cause I ready want to let people know about me having depression

[Faith-and-Hope]

We are having to keep my husband's illness a secret  because he is completely in denial and hostile at any mention of the symptoms ..... treading water until he reaches a state of awareness or suffers a health crisis big enough to land in emergency or inpatient care ....

After that, I think it would be almost impossible for him to shoulder the knowledge that everyone knew .... he considers his illness a success story, because in a diluted, healthy form, it would be .... and the humiliation of having to concede and face the road back will be excruciatingly difficult as it is ..... we need to respect his future state of recovery as much as trying to keep him pacified and as stable as we can in the here and now.

Feelin' for you ....

Take courage, and take care.

🌷 F&H

[Aussie]

I was like OP in the way i liked to keep mine a secret. the fact is... the longer it remains a secret the longer it will take for you to find out who your real friends are. as for career well i understand your actions ten fold, i found my depression whislt as an enlisted man... it must be hard to keep a lie going, and the anxiety it must bring... in some respects telling the truth would perhaps subside your anxiety ?

All i know is... it felt better when the people around me knew rather than me trying to hide mood swings and alike from them. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Looking forward to that much .... when my husband is ready to surface he will find a lot of loving support wrapped around him ....

I have heard that people in his situation are overwhelmed with gratitude in hindsight .... it's something that keeps me going .... and he would be there for me heart and soul if the roles were reversed and I was blind-sided by an illness like this .... and in hostile denial ....

[Aussie]

Keep on fighting the good fight, with more and more coming out about MI it's becoming less of a taboo subject, let hope for continued progression 😛

[Sahara]

Hi @Surviving85, 

if the people you know, including your work colleagues believe that you were overseas instead of in hospital, then you must be an expert actress! Don't they ever ask to see your holiday snaps or anything? Don't they wonder why you don't come back tanned? And how do you just suddenly apply for holiday leave as soon as you are admitted to hospital - don't they question why your leave is so unexpected and unpredictable? If it were an overseas holiday, then wouldn't it be planned in advance?

I kind of think that people must know that you have some problems but maybe they are too polite to ask you?

It's up to you how much you want to reveal.... there is still a lot of prejudice against mental illness out there.  I would be very, very careful if you suspect that this could effect your career, because you probably suspect correctly. 

I would start by telling the close friends you know who are not associated with your work. You don't have to tell them that you lied about your absences from work in the past (this could be legally a bit tricky) but you could just tell them that you are seeing a doctor/counsellor about some psychological issues right now and ask for their support.

[Former-Member]

That's the thing, people around you often know there's something "not right" or "weird" about you, me, him or her. The majority don't really want to know more than that. My experience is, especially at work, if you disclose MI it is used against you. Even in my own family, especially with my mother. So, i might be wrong (certainly not brave), but for me, its not safe to explain what it is thats "not right & weird" about me. it really is 'none of their business' - I have enough pain to deal with. I tell professionals. Oh, and you guys 🙂

[Faith-and-Hope]

And glad you do ..... ❤

Hi @Former-Member 😊

[blackdog]

I understand why you keep a secret and if you feel you need to protect your career, loved ones or yourself then maybe you need to do that. As long as you're not lieing to yourself and the burden of telling the lies is not too heavy for you.
Would you keep the same secret if it was another health problem? Would you hide getting treatment for cancer or any other illness?

Mental Illness carries an extra load of baggage for those of us that suffer. And as if we need anymore problems when it's our brain that is sick and our mind is turning against us.

Do what you feel is right. And if you don't want to carry this secret around anymore then you shouldn't have to.