Lived Experience Forum

[kef]

@-Rayne-

Thanks so much for your honesty and advice- I really appreciate it. 

I think transitioning is going to be tricky for me because of my mental health. I regularly experience anxiety, depression, and obsessive thinking. Add in borderline personality disorder (although still awaiting final diagnosis) and things aren't looking good. I can't imagine being able to a) get approval given my state of health and b) being strong enough to get through the long process. The odd thing is many of these issues (such as bpd) stem from not being about to be my true self so transitioning would actually help me. At least I think it would. 

Has the low dose of hormones changed the way you look very much? Ive seen some before and after pictures of people that have transitioned and they have become unrecognisable. I'm not sure that's something I want. I was thinking of the same approach as you- low dose of hormones and top surgery although as you said, its all a very big decision. 

I totally understand what you are saying about being visible and having to disclose it. I hadn't given any thought to that so you make a good point. 

Might be a dumb question but do you ever miss your old self? And how have your family been? I'm sorry for so many questions. I've just had these buzzing around in my head and it's great to finally ask someone. Thanks so much. 

[-Rayne-]

@kef

No worrries. I definitely get the need to ask questions. 

From my own experience and other trans* people I've talked to, the diagnoses that are particular tricky are those that involve identity - for obvious reasons. Depression, anxiety - virtually every trans* person has had those at various times to varying degrees and that's recognised and not a problem. They want to be as sure as possible that you're sure though, and that your'e not going to have regrets after you've made some physical change that can't be undone. So from what I've heard, of those you listed, the BPD is likely to be the tricky one. That doesn't mean you won't get approval though. I have DID which is even more of a problem for them and I eventually got the tick. It just takes a lot longer. 

In terms of changes, I've been in low-dose T for around two years. My voice is deeper and my body fat has redistributed. I haven't noticed much hair growth (but I think that's genetic) and no change in facial structure or anything like that. I'm pretty happy. My doctor told me that it's impossible to predict acurately what will happen at a given dose because it depends on your genetics and how you respond to the adjusted hormone levels. He said the good thing about low-dose though is everything happens so super-gradually that you can adjust if you start becoming uncomfortable with some change. I haven't had to do that but it's comforting to know. 

I don't miss my old body. I have a friend who identifies as gender-fluid and is also on low dose and they're much more ambivalent about it though, so I think it really depends. Everyone's different.

[kef]

Thanks @-Rayne-. Interesting that you mention DID as that's what I thought I had. This transgender identity only came out last year. Before that time, I had been living as a straight CIS female. I questioned my sexuality but wasn't aware of the gender identity issue. I just always thought I was a bit different but then I met this whole other person. I think I learnt to dissociate from my trans identity very early in life, perhaps when I was 2 or 3. In my mind, I now have two different people. The one I have known for 30 plus years and the other that came out last year. This is why I thought it was DID. I have told my psychiatrist this but she is taking her time with a diagnosis. Last meeting she mentioned BPD but she hasn't confirmed it yet. Honestly, the dissociating really freaks me out. I can feel my brain going into another world and need to consciously bring myself back. I'm too scared to let it take control. At the moment, I just try and please both sides. I find life very hard. As for transitioning this is obviously going to be a very long road for me. I know that I am trans, I can feel it but I also don't want to be a 'full' man. I feel like I'm not a man or woman, I am trans and this is like living in a third world. My body isn't the right body for me but neither is a full man's body. I guess that's why people choose a low dose. I'm really struggling with all this confusion and ongoing mental trauma.

[-Rayne-]

@kef 

yeah, it's really hard when things are fluid, it's good to take time with it. 

peace ~ 

[-Rayne-]

And then some former celebrity comes along and says something ridiculous, ignorant and offensive and the entire media world repeats it ad nauseum so you have no hope of escaping it. But you have to try and maintain a semblance of health because she's constructed it so that any sense of suffering (which is actually normal consequence of what is being said of you) is evidence of her point that we're defective, damaged, wrong. And yet I share a faith with this woman. How can that be?