Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[jasminedam]

Everyday, I live in uncertainty a to whether we are going to have a happy regular day, or one filled with stress, sorrow and brittleness. X is fully employed, the world thinks X is lovely, wonderfully social,, but at home X falls apart. 

Lived with X  for decades  - X an insomniac, regularly full stressed, and it would appear grieving very poor parenting in past. Some years of therapy, helping generally, but skirting round the dark centre which keeps appearing at home. Its hard to explain, but regular things like housework (which I now do most of) become laden with stress and worry - just a vehicle for other things not being dealt with. Social life, finances, myriad of choices in life all affected. I don't regret being with X, because of the children we have. 

X has just been away for a few days, and all things normal in thier absence. Upon return, a pall has returned on the house . Part of me wants to get the f&&% out of here but scared X will do something to themselves one day if I do. The children are more important to me than feeling like I'm living the life I'd like to lead (beyond parenting, which X has given me, for that I am eternally grateful).

The anxiety and stress is a corrsive, everyday it eats at all the small things that should be able to be innocent, unburdened, easy things of living, and potentially joyful from time to time. It, the anxiety, also eats all of the time spent talking, so I'm never on the agenda, and whe  I need support it is never there, as X is too abnxious and brittle.

Usually I don't complain, but I feel really over it tonight. I wonder if anyone else has these sorts of feelings? I want to walk away but I can't and I wont. I do love X, but I feel in peril, like my life's opportunities are slipping away, and I'm wondering if I'm doing the right thing by my life by staying with X. I've wondered that for years.

As the kids get older I don't know if we'll have a future. I'd like to think we would after so many years, but the darkness and anxiousness is not shifting, even if X is dealing with it a lot better more often, these days.

We've tried a number of therapists over the years, and X has recently accepted a quasi diagnosis of general anxiety disorder, but nonetheless continues to put disproprtionate emotional value on very little things - they become cause of great distress and undermine all emotional foundations, se we need to build them all back up again it seems so often, on a daily basis.

I really cant stand it, but I must. Its horrible, but nothng compared ot the suffering of so many others. I feel like I'm rambling now, but just wondering if anyone else relates.

[TAB]

Hi @jasminedam . Your post reminds me of things with my sister. Everything was fine on the outside re her marriage then was told things weren’t and all sorts of signs ok amplified in crisis mode and statements like I hate I will never, then bag packing scenarios think I may have even been at one of them, yet somehow years later its all roses etc yes they did do counselling and no I don’t know the whole story and never will, but things can work out, apparently. Only mentioning example as I am single well forever. Anyway Hi . and there are lots of smart friendly wise experienced people on here, try carers part of forum maybe hot chocolate thread is a chatty one or Introduce Yourself on Lived Experience side maybe. I wish you well. 😀

[Determined]

@jasminedamwelcome to the forum

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying here 😞 

[Dots]

So hard for you and I think there are so many of us who feel like you do. We stay with our partners for so many reasons and yet there's often a thought of how much better life might be; you know, you start imagining the peace of being with someone else whose behaviour is predictable.
So many times I planned on leaving and so I told him it seemed silly for us to stay together. In my situation we have a daughter who's own behaviour is extremely unpredictable so that compounded more stress. We did go to therapy and things improved a bit, not a lot but enough for me to stay.
There's no answer that can be neatly transplanted from one persons experience to another's, but please know, you're not alone.