Lived Experience Forum

[GothMum]

Today I had what was a rather harrowing session with a senior diagnostic psychiatrist. I expected it would be hard, but it was so much more difficult than anything if done in a very long while. For some time I have been worried that I was beginning to show signs of developing traits experienced by my own mother. On top of the issues I've already raised here, I was concerned that some recent odd behaviours might be signs of one of my mother's raft of MIs; particularly bpd/ bipolar/ narcissistic p d/ schizoid p d.
Whilst I have respect for those here who live with these issues, I was extremely relieved that this clinician was able to put my mind at ease. I am *simply* having some extreme reactions to surviving immense levels of trauma throughout my life, some of which are being reawakened as I parent a peri-pubescent child with exceptionally challenging behaviours including but not limited to autism, severe anxiety and sensory overload, OCD, and passive aggression.
The clinician believes that as an "extremely diligent" parent, I have not had enough support, but that I am actually doing a great job under trying conditions. And that my efforts are saving a lot of government money now and possibly millions long term through my attempts to get my rugrats' life skills competencies to wider social expectations.
Whilst this compliment does not have me running around high fiving (I am hard on myself and find accepting compliments especially difficult) it does relieve me that there is some meaningfulness to my life, and whatever else I may do Wrongly, at least I am giving my kids the very best mothering I can. Thank you for "listening". I am finding writing to this forum very cathartic, as I do not easily talk about this stuff in my day to day world.

[BamBam]

Hi @GothMum

I worried for a long time, and still do sometimes, that I would become my father after being myself made redundant, which was something that happened to him that I found very stressful when it happened (as I was a teenager).

I think it's hard to tell the difference between fear-based anxiety about becoming one of our parents if we become unwell, and the learned and genetic transfer we get from them. Recently dad was diagnosed with asperger's (which I don't have), which I hope is teaching me that I have my own life and responses to that life, and he has something he has probably lived with for most of his life.

I can see that being a good mum is important to you, maybe in a way showing yourself that you aren't your mum. As you say, your ability to get through your trauma highlights this.

[supernova]

Hi @GothMum,

Thanks for your post.

I think in some ways we are all a bit terrified of becoming our parents! Or at least we are scared that the the parts of them which we see as flawed or that dealt us abuse or neglect might show up in our lives. But it’s important to remember that biology, genetics and even our upbringing don’t make our destiny. We have the ability to learn from experiences (particularly examples of parenting, relationship and family dynamics that we don’t want to recreate) and choose for ourselves how we want to be and how we want to act. As your clinician pointed out, it sounds like you are proving this to yourself by giving you kids the best mothering you can under trying conditions! It sounds like you are dealing with some challenging behaviours that would stretch anyone! The fact that you’re holding this together, while having overcome trauma of your own, and at the same time having the insight and awareness to reflect on some of your behaviour is a testament to your strength and compassion. Although you said it’s hard for you to accept compliments, I’m glad you were able to take the clinician’s encouragement on board and find a deeper sense of meaning in your life and a greater compassion and appreciation for yourself.

Take care,
supernova.

[Chris]

I hear you! I have worked so hard over the years to be not like my mother. I didnt want my children to grow up the way i did. Those years were frought with guilt ,frustration, anger. Mistakes some small some large.Trying to cope with my own mental illness.

The end result. They have grown up to be well adjusted confident adults. Everything im not. The struggles were worth it. The heartache was worth it. Never giving up was worth it. Its hard , damed hard.

I applaud you for the hard work that you are putting in with your son, as well as dealing with your own demons. Never give up, your hard work will and is paying off now.

[Appleblossom]

I remember reading "My Mother My Self" a long time ago ... and have had many fears about it.

it is great that you have acknowledgment fro your doctor. we can nitpick at ourselves and its not really helpful.

I like reading your posts and hope you stay.

cheers Apple

[Wisewomen]

I beleive we are a product of how we are raised but when we become adults and mothers we can change that with determination and just love.  My parents survived a tough war in Poland and then came to australia in the 50s to have a better live. As kids we go everything except love.  Of course I struggled with this and when i had my daughter I said I would be different to that and I am, but I still need to find peace or some sort of acceptance of how I was raised. Your guiding your children the best you can and thats a wonderful thing as they will instill those value and love into their children.  I only truely found peace with my self when i accepted how I was raised and why my parents wore their heart on there sleeve.  It doesnt mean that you have to do this...just food for thought.

Does it really matter if we are like our mothers or not. The relationship between your child and you is not the same as it was with your mother so be greatful.

[ivana]

It sounds like you have a good Psychiatrist and it sounds like you are doing a great job at being a parent too!

[Appleblossom]

Fall out from World War II is still happening. I know a few Polish migrants .. it was tough to know how to love after those experiences. My story is from the Dutch occupation ... but I have German friends as well ... I also have Jewish friends who have suffered, oddly, by never being able to compete with the horror of their parent's experiences ... ie never being taken seriously in Australia. i am similar and different to my mother .. we are all unique. I am learning to be grateful for being me ... thats a tough one.

[GothMum]

Thanks @Appleblossom, @ivana, @Wisewomen, @Chris, @supernova,

all your comments are helpful and I appreciate your thoughts. Things came to a head over the last two weeks. My middle son is having a major issue with anger, and refuses his meds;even though he happily accost and talks about how much better they make him feel. In his nasty unmedicated state he has flung spiteful comments about me : almost spitting his vile words at me, and then last week, after he punched me in the face, I had to call the police. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. But even with 2 burly coppers standing over him he still was baiting everyone, and refusing to take his meds. He's not allowed to go to school unmedicated. He's recently moved from a mainstream school to a specialist setting for kids who just can't manage regular schooling. That they can't manage him there I guess kind of justifies my own struggles.

i don't want him to go to a residential unit; I think that will destroy him. He has an extremely low self esteem and he's going thru a lot with  the onset of puberty, and dealing with a personal identity which is not the one he wants; all his life he's wanted to be 'normal', but over the last few years he has become increasingly aware that he is not just another 'average' kids; but neither is he like his siblings (slightly different diagnosis and significantly different expression of 'symptoms'.

 Anyway, I've recently changed my antidepressants, and decided to have a break from the full on meds for my chronic pain condition. I also experience chronic fatigue, and the pain meds were making day to day living impossible; enough medication to halt my pain meant a zombie like state (really scary), a half dose meant some pain relief with constant brain fog, and need to sleep. None of the medicine, 4 days after taking the last one; my digestion has gone into overdrive- no wonder I had put on some serious kilogrammage- but today is the first day in over a year that I've been able to be awake. Oh my Gaia! How phenomenal life is when one is able to be awake. But still very down on self. I'm not suicidal; but boy, do I wish this was not my life. I'm not considering self harming or overdosing, but I would like to leave all this and reinvent myself... I won't run away because my kids need me, but I do question just how much trauma one person van deal with. And yeah, my trauma is nothing like the horrors in Eastern Europe, nothing like the conditions endured by people in hitler's death camps. My stuff is multi generational disability and mental health issues, stolen generation identity displacement, parental abuse, and poor self esteem. And yeah, I'm so totally relieved that I am not showing signs that I'm morphing into my mother, but I still query the purpose of this life, and why I seem to be making such a flip-up of things...

thanks for listening. I wish you all sweet dreams and uncomplicated tomorrow's 🤓

[Former-Member]

My mum sounds like yours but under the radar & untreated, damaging all 6 of us without apology. I moved away to stop her getting to my kids & damaging their mum more. Parenting for me was very mechanical in many ways put of fear of those potential runaway emotional tsunami Unfortunately,i think denying all that in me caused me to lose myself & now my children are gone i don't know who i am.
Just do the best you can, get them through those teenage years with love then take a long holiday yrip 🙂