Lived Experience Forum

[MintyX]

For those who have managed to survive being a loner in school, how did you managed to do it? And also, if you are a loner in school, then how do you cope with group projects? Who do you partner up with?

It's my 2nd week of school today and I still don't have any friends in class. Every lesson, I'll just go to the lecture hall, sit alone by myself and not talk to anybody (because nobody bothered to talk to me) and then go home after lesson ends. Nobody bothered to talk to me in class so if I want to make friends in class I have to initiate conversations with people, but the problem is, I have anxiety and initiating conversations with people is the same as confessing my feelings to my crush, it makes me very nervous and give me extremely bad panic attacks.

Everybody there has already established their friendship group and I'm unable to enter their friendship group. I feel so left out in class. I feel like the odd one out.

During the first two days of class, I sat alone by myself right at the front row nearby the door because all the other seats have been taken up, and one seat away from me is this girl. The lecturer told me to stop being so isolated, so the girl ended up inviting me to sit next to her.

But because my classroom venue keeps changing and
I dislike sitting at the front row (sitting directly in front of the door makes me darn anxious especially when classmates keep coming in the door all the time and I didn't like all those attention focused on me
) so I decide to sit at the back row instead. So I went to sit alone at the back row. And now I am friendless again and during break time today I was thinking of going to the front row and sitting with that girl but my spot has been taken up by this guy from my class.

So now I can only sit alone by myself at the back row.
Now I am a loner again. I regret switching seats so much.
I should have just sat at the front row and suck it up.
Am I gonna sit alone in class until the day I graduate? 
My spot has been taken up by the guy and I'm unable to sit there anymore.
And also what will happen if there is group projects? I won't have anybody to group together with.


Should I just drop out? Anyway, my main reasons for doing this course is because :


1) I want an associates degree as it will open up more doors.
2) My dad keep saying that I'll only end up dropping out and wasting money, and I want to prove him wrong
3) I want to overcome my anxiety


But now I am starting to find everything pointless. I don't really need that degree anyway, I can always start from an entry level job and then work my way up. There will be a day when my job will promote me anyway, I can't possibly stay at entry level forever.

I am so sick of being friendless in school. I have dropped out twice previously because of this friendless issue and I always have nobody to group with in school projects which sent me spiraling into panic attacks mode,
and now this is the 3rd school and I'm friendless again. I just seemed to intimidate people everywhere I go, maybe school just isn't the right environment for me.
Should I drop out now before it's too late? I feel so out of place here. Now is only the first semester, if I want to drop out it's better to do it now before it's too late and I end up wasting more money.

[Former-Member]

Hi @MintyX

I'm sorry i can't give you answers to those questions 😞 but i can understand how lonely you must feel. I have struggled to build friendhsips at times in my life, and when i'm low i fin it hard to realise that my friendships are still there, even if i lose sight of them somehow by isolating myself. 

I was wondering if there is a counsellor or student support group associated in your college? Perhaps if things have been feeling so bad for a while it might be a good time to seek support and try to change some things. I was also wondering if there are any clubs or groups that would interest you in joining? sport or other clubs, i can't remember what was on offer when i was at uni (i never had time sigh!). 

It felt as though your dad has been really hurting you with his assumptions about whats happening for you as well. That makes it even harder. Maybe by getting some support you might be able to find away to explain to him whats going on.

here listening anyways, and hope you find some company here!

LJ

[Former-Member]

I was a bit of a loner in highschool, but uni sorted itself out eventually. I get social anxiety, but different to most people, I'm fine in a big group, but paralyzed in a small group and one-on-one. I won't even hang out with my close friends in small groups I get that anxious!

For me it was the clubs and soc's that really helped. Lectures are sooo hard to find friends in, and you change subjects each semester so you have to do this again and again. But the good news is, you have a new opportunity to make friends in each class in each semester. So this semester sucks, no biggie. Study hard and focus on getting your skills up for next semester.

Most uni's offer some free counselling. Take that up asap.

At one of my uni's they ran soical groups for shy people, literally, 'come have lunch with us if you are too shy to have lunch with others'. And that, believe it or not was a really good experience! If they have something like that, take it up too! You don't have to talk if you don't want, just hang.

Join a few clubs and societies. You will probably not fit into all of them, but if you keep trying you will find one that does fit. It might not happen immediately, but it will slowly. I am not very good at sport, but I love playing. I found after a semester's worth of training I was brave enough to join the others for dinner and then later to join in the conversation and slowly became more social.

With group projects, just ask the person sitting closest to you, and if you don't have a group, talk to the lecturer at the end of class. They will be able to find you a partner.

[Former-Member]

Oh, and I don't know if you've done much research about anxiety, but it's all about taking little steps and moving forward.

It's terrifying at first, but becomes much easier as you practice new skills and taking risks.

Oh, and keep coming back here, if it helps. I'm often on and love to chat about uni!

What are you studying btw?

[CannonSalt]

You've got the right idea in reminding yourself of what's important.
Having to be assigned to group projects is the pits, but I'm told that it's good practice for working together in a team as part of your work. Would it help you to see this as practice for work?

[Sehnsucht]

Hi @MintyX!

Commenting now so that this pops up in my emails, as I want to come back to this after some thought. You ask some great questions. X

[Strugglingex]

Hang in there.

[MintyX]

hey all, thanks for all the replies. I have decided to continue staying in this course until the school decides to kick me out, and only then will I officially admit defeat. In the meanwhile, I'll just flow along with wherever life takes me.

And I'm not sure if joining clubs in my school will help me much in my situation, because I don't really care about having friends in my school, but I want friends in my class because I need to find people during group projects. Or do I just do those group projects by myself? And I don't think I'm able to approach people and ask to join their group, because I have very bad anxiety and I'm unable to start conversations with people.

I think, I'm beginning to not give a damn anymore.

If I can't find people to group together with during group projects, then I'll just do the project alone. If they decide to flunk me for it and kick me out for it then maybe this is fate telling me that this isn't the life path for me and I'm destined for something else.

@Former-Member I'm studying an associates degree that is related to social work. I actually liked what I am studying, but I hate dealing with all those group projects stuff, because I have no friends in my class and I can't find people to partner up with during those group projects.

[BlueBells]

Hi MintyX 🙂

I was pretty much a loner at school, and the few friends I did make, happened to have fathers whose jobs made them move, teachers, bankers and the likes.

I'm only really starting to make friends now, (I'm a grandma now 🙂 ), so how I got through school, well, I just stuck it out.

I wanted to get a particular level, and I decided that regardless of what others thought, I stuck to it. Much easier said than done, to be sure !

Looking back, what I would have done differently.

Force myself to simply say "hello" to others. I sort of tried, but shyness/introversion held me back.

I wish I had realised it is my life, not parents, teachers etc., and so concentrate on doing what you want to do for you.

There are two types of selfishness. I'm not talking about the rude, arrogant type, but the self-caring type.

You need to develop the selfishness that allows you to value your own opinions for you. Do not try to live for other people. Live for you, and learn to love yourself.

Group projects....when you have to do them, ask the girl that you sat with if you can join her group, or, as someone suggested, the lecturer will place you somewhere 🙂

Actually, if you find an opportunity, ask her if you can work with her when the groups come up, never know 😉

Hang in there Hugs 🙂 🙂 🙂

[MintyX]

An update to my situation:

Thanks for the reply. I think I've adapted to the fact that I have no friends in my class, so ya it doesn't bother me anymore.

But lately I find my depression creeping up on me again. I have been thinking of dropping out a lot lately, because I noticed how much my depression is affecting me.

Been feeling low all the time and I have difficulty getting things done. For example, I'm supposed to have a quiz tomorrow. I kept trying to revise, yet my head isn't able to absorb anything.

I feel so awful. I'm not sure how I'm going to cope with tomorrow's quiz, and  that quiz counts toward 20% of my overall grades too. I want to at least do well in that quiz, but there will be some essays portion inside that quiz and I'm unable to absorb anything that I study so far, I don't know how I'm going to cope with tomorrow's quiz, I'm gonna flunk it so badly.

I also have another quiz next week, haven't started studying it yet because I kept studying for tomorrow's quiz. And I have 2 more assignments due in 3 weeks time, and I haven't started on any yet.

Is school really the right choice for me right now? I don't know anymore. I already knew that things will end up like this, so why the f*** did I enrol into this school? I hate myself so much.