Lived Experience Forum

[STORMGRL101]

Hello

I don't normally post here but felt like I need to tonight. 
At this point I feel like is this as good as it's going to get in regards to medication. I feel like my life is pointless. I have no friends. I have a boyfriend but lately I feel irritated by him and prefer to stay at home with my parents. I feel like a bad girlfriend.
I can't believe this year is already in September and I feel l like I have achieved nothing since my hospital admission last Dec-Jan. I have barely worked in my life and have horrible social anxiety. I am upset with myself that I have put weight on this year and can't find the motivation to do something about it. My mood was doing OK for awhile but I am scared that I am going downhill again. I know I have a loving and caring family but I hate them knowing I am not doing ok. I am a very private person and It's so hard to open up. 
I am going to go have a bath and listen to music to try and stop the negative thoughts.
Thanks for listening and bye for now.

[Wanda]

Hi STORMGRL 101,

Good on you for being proactive in managing your negative thoughts by having a bath and listening to music, and having the courage to share on here, as I’m hearing that you find it difficult to open up. Sometimes when we experience challenges over an extended period of time, one can become discouraged and demoralised. I’m wondering if you have felt this way in the past, and what helped get you through it? Im also wondering if others can relate to how STORMGRL 101 is feeling and what was helpful for them?

[STORMGRL101]

I wanna scream, I wanna cry.
I wanna smash a glass, I wanna punch a wall. 

I wanna feel something. 
I hate myself. 
It's all TOO HARD..!

I have an appt with psych tomorrow. Adjust the medication some more? Try another one? How many is there to try!! 

Sick of it.

[Queenie]

It sounds very frustrating for you at the moment @STORMGRL101. I can certainly see the frustration and emotion you've expressed in your post. I note you have an appopintment with your psychiatrist tomorrow (and that's good) and you hope he/she can help you with medications, but have you tried other techniques other than meds? There's some great suggestions on the board for coping with distress and not being able to properly feel emotion.

For myself, I use a lot of grounding techniques which might include activities such as mindfulness or relaxation. Listening to a mindfulness exercise can really help put you in touch with your feelings, even if they are unpleasant ones. 

It is also important to remember to be kind to yourself, you're only human after all. 

[NikNik]

Hi @STORMGRL101
I hope your appointment goes well today.
Thinking of you!

[STORMGRL101]

Thanks.

Appointment wasn't that good- I was emotional and found it hard to speak. No changes in medication yet. The psychiatrist wants have a chat with my psychologist and then we'll see next appt.

Feeling a bit anxious, Have to drive BF's dad to an appt. Wish I could just stay home. 

Rainy and miserable outside. All I wanna do is stay in bed and hide under the covers.Gggrrr

[Appleblossom]

Hi @STORMGRL101 Its fantastic that you helped out with driving even though you wanted to be reclusive and good that you got to pdoc. 

I have to listen to my moods a bit, and sometimes do crawl under the covers ... and sometimes we need to overcome those thoughts and feelings and get out and about ... it is your call.

We all need to acknowledge our darker emotions or anger, but only some have the courage ..

Go Gently

[jem80]

Your life has meaning. You are not a bad girlfriend. Your are going through a rough patch and it requires a long time to get back on the road of recovery. I understand where you are coming from with "no friends". Since I was diagnosed with a mental illness I have found it hard to have a friend. I have found the closest I get is by going to social clubs and meet ups. I don't socialise with any of these people outside these circles. So realistically I don't consider them a real friend. If you have anxiety with social groups try find something small and relaxing to do, something simple like drawing or going to a movie in the middle of the day when no one is around to help you adjust to the anxiety that you might have. In regards to putting on weight, I have found that some medications contribute to weight gain. Find out if that is the case. If you feel that it is "as good as it gets" with your medication, chat to your mental health professional and discuss what can be done. You may need some adjustments or changes. Let your family know how you are. Support comes when you least expect it to. It's fantastic that you have chosen to have a bath and listen to music. Focus on some other simple activities that can help ease your mind. It might be something like watching a DVD or TV.