Lived Experience Forum

[Shock]

I feel as if I'm getting old, I've never been in a relationship in my entire life, never even kissed anyone. Instead I cling to ridiculous imaginings and fantasies. In my mind I can be with anyone I want, I can do anything I want. We go to the movies, we go to the beach. We talk to each-other about our dreams, our visions. They're the same person in personality all the time, the looks may vary... but the same person. I made them in my mind. The terrible thing is that it's not real, and I know it's not real... but I just need something. The loneliness can be cripping sometimes. I'm always told by those closest to me that I'll never marry or have children, and I'm scared that they may be right. I just have this shattered feeling that I'll be alone forever, and perhaps I am destined to that fate. 

Those that show interest in me, I treat badly. Those that look at me longingly in public places, I scorn at... for they do not fit my ideal. What a terrible way to live. I suppose it's because I'm afraid, but I'm sure it's something deeper than that. Something within me that needs solving. 

Does anyone know what I'm feeling? I need help.

[utopia]

@Shock. I understand. Years ago, if any man looked at me, I would glare him down. Scare him off.
I think the best way to deal with these feelings is to talk it through with a specialist - a psychokogist or counselor. It may be time to dig down and find out why you reject men without meeting them. I know with me - I was not ready for a relationship - I was living with previous hurts that needed to be healed first.
I think if you investigate this with a professional - that you will be able to move forward and find someone special.
Your friends do not sound supportive at all. Actually they don't sound like friends. Friends - true friends - support. They do not put down.
So find a therapist yiu can work with and ignore your friends advice.
You may be a slow bloomer, but I bet when you do meet the ONE - that you are going to shine.

[mrkotter]

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@Shock wrote:

Does anyone know what I'm feeling? I need help.

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Yes. I agree with @utopia seeking help is the way to go. I have and I'm trying to take positive action but it's hard. It's only thing I can do though. 

[Shock]

@utopia

Haha! I do the same thing. I would have a crush on someone, then as soon as they liked me in return I'd attempt to scare them off. I do see a physcologist currently, every 3 weeks. She says I'm not ready, and I suppose you're right about the late bloomer thing. On top of that, my inadequacies would spawn from being on the ASD spectrum. Social queues confuse me, already, even conventional chit-chat does. It's a skill that goes rusty quick for me. If I haven't spoken to people for three weeks, you could declare me as a social misfit due to how clueless I become again. In terms of courtship and romance, that confuses me even more. It doesn't help being female too, I suppose... I've been told I act more assertive and masculine when it comes to flirting, as opposed to coy and meek, and... that's what scares guys off. 

As for your last line: "But I bet when you do meet the ONE - that you are going to shine." That bought literal tears to my eyes. Tears of joy. Thank-you.

[Shock]

@mrkotter

Thanks, mrkotter. I'm glad I'm not the only one going through this. Sometimes I feel as if I'm the only one going through things like this, and it makes me feel even more isolated. I don't want to feel this way, and I try as I may to ignore it with the best of my ability. Shrugging it off, but truly it does bother me and it hurts me deeply. Thank-you so much for taking your time to write.

[mrkotter]

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@mrkotter wrote:

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@Shock wrote:

Does anyone know what I'm feeling? I need help.

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Yes. I agree with @utopia seeking help is the way to go. I have and I'm trying to take positive action but it's hard. It's only thing I can do though. 

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I should probably add to this. 

I feel absolutely gutted about how relationships have panned out for me. Yeah I've had interests and mucked around a bit but I stayed away from a committed relationship for so long because, quite frankly I wouldn't have wanted to date me while I've been so unwell. Christ I even turned a girl down that would have been great for me. 

Feeling better now I just feel alone. I get how feel @Shock because I feel the same way. It guts me knowing that I would make a great partner and dad and here I am having had to push that aside to deal with illness. 

I just feel like I have this lack of meaning. Yeah my work is fun and great but is it meaningful? No, it's fun and challenging, entertainment really but if the office burnt down tonight the only thing I would think is that I need a new job. What I care about are people - and I want how its been to change. So why am I putting so much effort into work instead of this? 

And yes I am taking positive action but dating is such a chore. It's a real PITA. What makes it worse is it's really anxiety inducing - does she like me? Does she not? Am I funny? Have I made it a fun date? Not good for someone like me. 

I guess I just need to slug it out a bit more. 

[utopia]

@Shock. Being ASD will not prevent you from meeting your man. I know people with Asbergers (sorry I can't spell) who have married and had children. You just have a fewmore oobstacles to get through than me. But it will happen. Keep working with your therapist.
I had so called friends in my late 20's, - all who were married with kids. They would give unasked for advice - such as
* if you wore makeup you would get a man
* if you acted more feminine (whatever that means) you will get a man
* if you just agree with what the guy is saying & don't tell him he's wrong (even though he is wrong) you might get a date.
Guess what- none of these couples are still together. Why - because they weren't true to who they were.
If a man would only love me if I wear makeup and a dress and doesn't want me to have an opinion - then he's shallow & not the man for me.
Think positive @Shock. Your time will come

[Shock]

@mrkotter

That's what my life has been like pretty much. Career-career-career, and the cultivation of it. I'm in University right now, and my time has been funneled into keeping my G.P.A as high as possible so that I can set myself up for a future, and such. Part of me feels as if I'm sacrificing a lot, and to sound very cliche... 'the best years of my life'. I feel as if, after going through the rounds of education, and finally being at a plateau of career achievement, I'll be too old and washed up to be desirable by anyone. 

For me, personally. What causes me anxiety in terms of dating is that I think in future terms. If I were to date anyone, I don't want to do it just to mess around. The person that I will date, would be one I'd envision a future with I guess. I'm scared of the disappointment, because the way I think isn't obviously realistic. I know that. We always find something to be disappointed towards, as an excuse of sorts to end something...

[Shock]

@utopia

Thanks, Utopia.

Hahaha! It's alright, I can't spell either. For me, I don't have any friends. I just can't seem to make any. Instead I have an overbearing negative cousin, whom gets a joy out of belitting me at any chance she gets. What's worse is that she lives with us. She always tells people about my Aspergers, like complete strangers, even though I tell her not to. She looks at us as if we're all the same, and generalizes all of us. That we're all 'retarded' and 'weird'. It hurts me. Today she said her son is going to grow up and be smarter than me, and that he'll dominate me eventually. It hurt me a lot, and I've been in the bathroom crying about it for about 3 hours. She always pokes fun at me and tells me I'm a probably a lesbian because I've never had a boyfriend. I hope so, Utopia. I hope my time does come, everyone tells me that... but it's hard I guess. When you have people you knew in highschool getting married/ having kids it just hurts.

[mrkotter]

@Shock she has no right to say that. She has no right to make you feel that way. You are an awesome person and you have heaps going for you. We just all have our own troubles to work through. Your time will come.