Lived Experience Forum

[BlueBay]

Tonight i am feeling anxious.  After having almost 2 weeks off work due to my mental health and mother in law in hospital then moved her to a nursing home. 

I have noticed that my depression is not good, it's still not good.  I don't want to see anyone or speak to anyone.  And I work in pharmacy so there is lots of talking and serving customers.  There is conversations where customers tell you their whole life story (well practically) and I am not in the mood to listen to them.

I just want to stay home on my own and go for a coffee down the cafe, or a walk or a swim. I don't want to go tomorrow.

And i will get so many questions tomorrow from co-workers and customers as to where I was.

I want to hide away, hibernate somewhere on my own. So many mixed emotions tonight. I was okay today but now I'm not.

What do I do?

[CherryBomb]

Hi @BlueBay,

While I can't tell you what to do, what I can suggest is to weigh up the possible consequences of either decisions, and ask yourself which scenario you would prefer both in the short and long term.

I wonder if @Former-Member, @Former-Memberand @Mazarita can add something here. I understand that they've had some challenges with managing work and their MI. 

CB

[Former-Member]

Hi @BlueBay

I can see both sides i think. Going back to work has had its positives for me in that being sort of forced into being organised and in a set routine is probably good for me. Interacting with other people, having concerns other than my own helps me to be distracted from the difficulties i face in my own life, but also helps me to feel like i can be useful in the world. It gives me something to work towards to, there are goals and things i need to achieve/do.

I guess if you go back tomorrow and find it too hard you can always change your mind for the following day, if it goes ok, youve not lost anything.

Good luck

LJ

[Mazarita]

Hi @BlueBay,

I haven't done paid work for years due to mental and physical illness. Recently I started a small volunteering position. However, I had to discontinue it this week as I have gone downhill and was not coping well with it. I may not be the best person to advise you on your situation but I wonder if it's possible that you are simply experiencing 'back to work' jitters at the moment and that once you get there things will be okay. If you think this is not the case, it may be worth considering taking some more time off if that is possible. I have read a few of your messages on the forum and it seems you have a lot going on at the moment. Best wishes to you in making this decision.

[BlueBay]

Hi @CherryBomb @Mazarita@Former-Member

I'm feeling ok.  I think once I get there and back into my own routine I will be okay (I hope).  I was just thinking before why do I want to stay home and not see anyone.  For the past 20 years having my mother in law with us I was feeling (especially the last 6 yrs) that I didn't want to be home, because of her.  The last 2 yrs have been hard with her dementia and she would rant and rave in her language about how she hated living here, how she would break everything in my home (and I understood everything she said).  So each day off (Tuesdays) I would wake up, do some housework and then out.  I would go out most of the day because I didn't want to see her, didn't want to hear her talk bad about our house and us.  I used to tell my husband so many times but he knew what she was like and kept saying to me 'oh don't worry about her'. But it did bother me. To the point where I couldn't even stay in my own house.

So now, because she is in a nursing home, I don't want to leave my house.  It's like I am trying to make up for lost time, which I know I can't do that.

I think I'm rambling off the track.  But I will go to work today and if things are tough or I am struggling I can always have tomorrow off.

I'll let you know how I go.

[Drac0]

This is a tough one @BlueBay with what you have been through recently. I don't know what worries you more, the questions or the interaction with others. Maybe @Former-Member is right and the organised structure & forced interaction may help you & distract you from your own issues in some way.

Personally I hope you can make the decision and go, at least for the day. Not just that it may be a distraction from your problems but sort of a statement that depression doesn't have total control of you, that you can face the world. And you can always have that coffee, walk or swim after work to relax you a bit.

Whatever your decision take care & stay safe.

[BlueBay]

This is so tough @Drac0.  It has hit me - I HAVE A MENTAL ILLNESS.  I HAVE BPD. I WAS A VICTIM OF CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE.

And I am crying.  I feel all of it is taking over at the moment.  But your're right I can go for a walk down the beach after work.

[BlueBay]

@Drac0 I think what worries me the most is the interaction - I just want to be left alone at home. But that unfortunately can't be the case as financially I have to work. There is no other choice, I just can't stay home. Maybe soon we can sell up and downsize (not that MIL in nursing home) and financially we would be better off; and I could cut back on my work. But that won't happen for at least 6-12 months.

I need to focus, I need to get ready for work. I need happiness and positiveness. 😞

[Drac0]

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@Sadgirl wrote:

This is so tough @Drac0.  It has hit me - I HAVE A MENTAL ILLNESS.  I HAVE BPD. I WAS A VICTIM OF CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE.

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You have that in caps, is this the first sign of full acceptance of your issues @BlueBay? I know you have been battling with this for a long time, but often we don't fully embrace what it all means. After my initial diagnosis it took me more than a decade. And yes, it hit me like a truck. The tears alone in the dark, the feeling of being totally lost and the realisation that I really did need help & support. Recognising at last that I couldn't do it on my own. It was like 'screw this macho male crap, somebody save me'.

It was a rough time, but it pushed me to do go out & get what I needed. Eventually it changed my life for the better. Far from 'fixed', but better.

I may be way off with this idea, but I do hope that whatever has hit you helps you turn things around.

Take care, stay safe.

[Former-Member]

I hope your day goes better than you imagine, @BlueBay. I don't have much to offer in the way of advice but I can relate to what you wrote. I'm in the process of forcing myself back into a demanding fulltime job, after a year of much more flexible work/study. It's hard to know whether it's the right thing and will make matters better or actually make them worse. And then there are the financial pressures that limit our choices as well. I guess you don't know until you try so it's good you were able to push forward with it.