Lived Experience Forum

[eth]

 @Former-Member  sitting with you

[Former-Member]

@eth 

Think this Psychologist is a bit surprised as to how fast i move. 

Id already provided him with the timeline of events before my first session. No mucking about there

Then i turned up at my next session right. He asks how im going then i said fine til this am i woke knowing i had to write a letter. Ra ra. But good thing was he just went with it. He didnt interfere with the direction of my intuition. Was blown away by my will but knew i was going to do it with or without his help so hed best just help lol.

Thats why i like him. He can c im well guided on this & i do kinda need to lead the way. Just b guilded & supported, not controlled. Had a life full of that

[eth]

Hey @Former-Member  I'm really glad your new psychologist seems like a good fit for you.  It's really good when you can be in the driving seat with your recovery journey.

Hope you're feeling more at peace this morning.

[Former-Member]

@eth 

Yes i think u need to b especially if ur life has been full of controlling issues as mine has because my power was taken from me as a child.

All my healing has been about taking charge, speaking out, standing up for myself, reporting people. Once i realised that i started to move forwards.

Not that i go around complaining about anything & everything rather if something niggles at me to speak out i then need to..

The therapist i saw only a few days earlier was completely the opposite & totally triggered me off. She thought she knew it all & was going in head first with a huge ego to fix & change me. With an attitude that im the problem because i have bpd.

Very much like my mother actually. Ill b as nasty as i like to you & its now ur fault that u cant cope with my nasty words because ur just too sensitive.

I think if u look at the world how its changed. People that r sensitive r speaking out. Talk about mental illness is coming out more. Bullying in the workplace is being recognised & addressed etc. 

People are fighting back whereas yrs ago u were told to just put up with it. Turn the other cheek.

People r encouraging others to report sexual abuse etc

Its got a long way to go but i certainly think the shift has happened for humans to start being kinder to each other.

[outlander]

thinking of you @Former-Member

[eth]

I totally agree @Former-Member  about people speaking out more these days, and am glad you are able to do so.  I don't think those things are happening more, but rather people are finding the language, the support and the courage to speak up.  But the stigma around disclosing mental health issues is still really strong in my experience.  I find I need to choose my battles, and sometimes I choose to avoid certain people or situations rather than assert my opinions and experience and I've learned to have boundaries more often.  It saves me a lot of energy that I can otherwise use for my own recovery and self-management.

[Former-Member]

@eth  yes when that elec touched me soon after i got here i had everyone telling me to report him to police.

I was new in town wasnt on right meds had no work & a pasr that a lawyer would only drag up in crt & trash. Its a sm enough town that word would get out also. As if i would win. With absolutely no evidence. Ok for all these people to tell me to report it. They have their careers husbands families, everything ive never had. U dont bother fighting a battle if u cant win. No point u only waste ur energy as u said. 

I avoid a lot of people nowadays. I spot them & walk away. I came across one ar that meditation night. Another control freak. Ill fix & change u.

Yes the stigma with mental illness annoys me. Used to go to this hairdresser. Then one day she started telling me about her apprentice saying she had mental illness. She went on & on making out the girl was a liar. Eventually i had to tell her i had a mental illness. Well her jaw dropped. I then told her about some of the abuse & she went pale in the face & didnt know what to say. 

I stayed totally away from society because of their attitude towards mental health.

People can retaliate back if u report also. Ive experienced a lot of that in my life. 

So i avoid people where possible now too.

However recently i was put to work with a lady that started yelling & screaming at me for no reason at all. I just stood there & didnt react back. Unfortunately that night it woke me several times & left me quite traumatized by early hrs of am. I text boss & said ive hardly slept its unsafe for me to work & that i refused to ever work with her again. Im a reliever so i can refuse work.

I didnt want to report her because i was new & presumed no1 would believe me + i knew i wasnt on right drug.

Anyway boss had to assess my wk a little while later. I could tell she was gently trying to get me to open up. It was niggling at me that i lost 3 days of good wk over. I had done nothing wrong & the other worker was in fact doing wrong. 

It niggled at me so i knew i had to speak up.

I went to boss a lovely lady. Told her & sure enough last worker had quit working with her & had reported the bullying. They tried to investigate it but staff had denied everything. Boss was so grateful id spoken up cause now they had the full evidence to act.

Since then ive gotten more wk & good jobs & a lot of respect from my boss.

I told her a bit about my life & she could tell its not easy for me to come forward & speak out because of what people have to me in return. 

This was a win win for me tho & i could c that + my intuition kept telling me to speak out.

As for the elec i let his wife know & comp he works with know. Police know but i didnt follow thru on report. I feel its out there now. He will think twice about doing it to next woman. The word will spread about what he did thats enough for me & i was content then.

These days i try to let my intuition guide me as to how i handle people & situations.

Its much easier now on this drug tho.

Actually once in Melb someone else reported the sexual harassment cause she witnessed it & saw how it affected me. Sometimes that works also. Its possibly why i had to report lady at work too cause too of them openly said they were going to get stuck into another lady. I didnt want someone else to get hurt. 

My sons first sch teacher was a bully. Used intense anger to put fear into the parents first then the preps.

I was horrified. 

She had the kids terrified & hanging on to go to toilet. Some were fainting. My son totally ready for sch just froze & wouldnt talk after first day. He was so scared. I got so upset i had to report it to principal.

Sure enough i was new in town single mum no job.

Teacher came to me next day really close am i going to have a problem with u. I should have pulled him out of sch immediately as they couldnt switch classes. On the other hand i backed down & tried to b really nice to her. Didnt work did it. My son deteriorated & began to touch himself as a way of coping with the stress. She then was adament that he had adhd. Not her job to label. Eventually a lady another single mum at womens centre told me shed done same with her daughter & held her back to continue tormenting her. She had also taken mum to crt. I couldnt get mother to talk about it as she shook with fear rememering it all. She told me she pulled her kid out & put into another sch 20mins drive away. So i did the same felt i had no choice.

Teacher didnt stop tho. Before leaving she reported me to child protection stating i was mentally ill with no family & causing my boy to do this. 

I was forced to see a kids dr. Lovely man that saw what she was doing. So embarassing it was for us. It was all cleared but she kept going. Next she wanted a restraining order against me.

I couldnt believe it so i packed up that weekend & left the town.

Moved back to Tassie. Started at a sch with another control freak teacher. Son froze again. This time i just switched sch. Wasnt going into battle again.

Next sch teacher started to question me as to why i didnt have any family. Sm town crap. So i turned on her & started to ask what it was all really about. I asked was my son behaving yes was he getting good grades yes excellent in fact so what was the problem then. I did sone digging & sure enough he wasnt socializing same as others & kids were pulling his pants down. I did some soul searching & decided to have him tested to c if he was gifted. My mother was told i was & my dad won a scholarship to Melb uni. Sure enough he was gifted. The test revealed why his behaviour differed so i was advised to put him into this sm sch. Ok so i moved him again. Principal had her nose out that id had him tested she tried to get me to c their social worker & i didnt know why. 

I refused to c some social worker because the problem was coming from sch. Before he started sch he was in daycare with absolutely no problems. In 2 daycares over the yrs.

Time moved on & eventually my son came home really angry because they were making him sit & do nothing because it was all about waiting for the other kids. He was angry saying im sick of this baby work. So i confronted the teacher & principal. He hadnt been getting the extension wk as originally agreed so the principal quickly lied & changed it on his report card to state they had given him harder work. Behind my back & illegally she had spoken to original teacher & believed her. They both ganged up on me & called child protection. 

That night whilst eating meat & vegies. I had police & child protection in my unit. They had a crt order from the other town.

They were shocked themselves to find a keyboard ex equipment my sons room full of creativity no alcohol or drugs. Absolutely spotless beautiful clean unit. They knew something wasnt right but had their orders.

Initial teacher knew how to manipulate the system & i firmly believe this is what shed done to the worker id spoken to that was traumatized by her.

5 days of almost no sleep i fronted up in crt. My horrible psychologist was into me trying to find out what id done. I dug my heels in & stood my ground saying i did nothing but report the first teacher for abusing the kids. 

She did some sick things i cant mention here.

I did report her to ed dept cause someone had to protect those kids.

My lawyer was horrible also telling me gifted was a load of crap. His wife who shouldnt have been involved said all women had cracked by day 5 but i didnt because i didnt do anything wrong. The told me before entering crt id get him back in a yr. I won him straight back because i pushed the lawyer to show the paperwork he was gifted. It had info in it proving i was fighting for my sons right & that i was in fact a good caring mother. Unfortunately the teachers used mental illness then as their weapon. They tried to state i wasnt on meds & didnt have a psychologist. I did in fact have meds & did have a psychologist so i got to take my son home but had to b watched for 2mnths. The child protection worker was wonderful she believed me the whole time. Said i was the most selfless mother shed come across in 20yrs. Unfortunately i was up against some pretty strong bullying teachers tho & as sad as it is they used mental illness against me. I was heavily watched for 2mnths. They did everything to try & break me. I fronted crt 2 mnths later & by then i told lawyer id finish the job. I didnt like the lawyer. He treated me badly & yelled at me & put me down when i was in the right.

I fronted crt & judge was incredible. I said he wanted to hear from me because he honoured me for what id done. I said i hoped that all the gifted kids in the future got the correct education & support in the future. He told me he would state that on the case.

Ed dept tried to crt order me to remain in Tassie. Child protection wouldnt have a bar of it.

I stopped seeing the psychologist because she didnt support & believe me.

I kept to myself & never went to that sch. I spent the next 6mnths planning to move to a sch in Melb that catered for gifted kids.

We moved. Boy it was a hard move. It took 6mnths for teachers to get his grades up as he was sooooo far behind. He has excelled ever since then & still does. He still doesnt socialize much. However if u google gifted kids gifted adults u can clearly see we are just different when it comes to socializing & thats ok. 

So i avoided confronting an issue til i was forced to fight back. 

After it was over i received a ph call from someone very high up in ed dept. They wanted to c i was ok. They asdured me teacher was removed from prep. They did fix the toilet doors so kids could have their privacy & a few other things were changed. They thanked me for reporting the incident.

A very sad story tho highlights how people view mental illness alright.

I refused to c a psychologist for many many yrs after that.

So i always ponder these days before speaking out. Its a hard one cause sometimes ive been meant to. 

I fought the army at age 19 & didnt win & was severely punished. Dva want me now to speak out because i can c now the wrong they did. They were wrong & theres a letter from minister for defence that proves they were wrong. Its a fairly big case. 

[Former-Member]

Thanks ill b a bit fragile throughout all this therapy id imagine. Gotta try & keep up with my ex singing training & piano prac. Stuff in the now hey

[eth]

Hi @Former-Member  what a rough path you've walked.  So glad you are now settling in your new town.  And very much hope things work out for you there.  I was a single mum too and my child legally blind and I was under close scrutiny most of their school years too.  With intervention a few times, so I can relate to some of what you went through.  Despite my best intentions and partly because of my undiagnosed (until age 46) bipolar 1, my child had at least 8 different schools and had a hell time at nearly all of them.  They are 30 now and still recovering from their childhood.  Too long a story to tell in detail, but lots of abusive relationships, family betrayal involving a pedophile etc along the way.

It's so good you have some really enjoyable and healthy activities in your life now.  And getting to meet some more people around the forums.  You need to be strong and have support for your upcoming case and to be there for your son at the same time.   Take care.

[Former-Member]

My son will b a wiser parent for what he was put thru. Just glad he re trusted me after it as it knocked him around at first. We have spoken about it so he understands why it happened. Oh its really hard when ur not diagnosed & on right meds. Im with u there. Dva said had i got help @ 19 after army incident my life would have taken a totally different direction. Its sad that so many go without correct diagnosis & help tho. Took for my life to hit rock bottom before i was found by a psychiatrist & then it was diagnosis after diagnosis etc etc different pills. Can take ages before u get a smooth run. Guess its why im willing to get help now cause i feel i have a smooth road now & time to address some things. Yay got piano done. Its ahard instrument but i am enjoying the challenge mentally. Psychologist said its very good to b using different part of my brain.
Just dont think i could handle the pressure of a teacher yet. Im very self disciplined already but need to balance this with processing all the emotions that will surface hey. As u said ive got another case in front+ want to support my son going into yr 11 next yr. Hes a hard worker but its going to b 2 hard yrs of study & he needs stability & harmony at home.
The sch changes were horrible but even parents without mi clash with teachers & move sch. He had a bad run in the beginning but once we hit Melb it stopped thank god. The principal in Tassie tried to cause trouble in Melb but when i started singing as a job the principal in Melb realised there was more to me than what the gossip was. Then i started getting acting jobs & i guess they realised i was fine. My son slowly made friends. They saw me talking with other mums of gifted kids. They watched me first yr in Melb but backed off once i was working. The gossip had clearly stopped later then he had a good run in highsch there & seems to have settled well here luckily cause i was worrying about him cause such a culture shock from melb to tville. I lived here 27yrs ago & grew ul as a teenager in Cairns so nth qld is more familiar to me. But i remember moving from melb to cairns when i was 10. It really knocked me around for awhile. Think hes actually tougher for having a few changes to b honest. Same as moving hses . its good hes learning to rent. Some kids grow up in home owner situation then dont know anything about renting. Strong chance he might have a gifted kid & he will protect them like i did. When he was tested they said he clearly wasnt adhd at all so first teacher was totally wrong! & wrong to diagnose .
Time to hit the shops & prepare for another wk. Just noticed i havent got EMDR this wk no space so ive got plenty of time to edit this letter.
Ill just not respond to my mother as its only upsetting me.
Need to focus on my own life.
You did the best u could at the time with ur kids hey. Not easy raising kids in a bad relationship & with a mental illness.