Lived Experience Forum

[Bridgetjones]

Im sure that my daughter is faking illnesses and medical conditions to get attention. She complains of never ending pains, headaches, stomach complaints. with not much evidence of drs letters etc. really bothers me. if questioned about more details of so called medical problems and hospital visits gets annoyed or gives explanations that dont make sense. at the moment she is claiming to have a brain problem due to old head injuries from abusive ex. not sure if that even happened. have few people to discuss this with in real life, apart from my psychologist. Think part if it comes down to finding parenting an extremely energetic 4 yr old tough so using Im sick exuses as reason for me to babysit. rather than saying Im not coping.

[utopia]

@Bridgetjones. It might be better to approach your daughter from another angle.
Rather than question her medical condition - why not start a conversation about how there were times when you couldn't cope with parenting & how we all struggle with this from time to time. Then maybe ask her how she's coping with an active preschooler.
This might allow her to feel supported enough to open up and say how she's feeling.
She may also feel depressed and therefore not coping.
There are many illnesses around that take years and years for a doctor to diagnose. My mum found this with her chronic fatigue and fibro myalgia 25 years ago. Doctors told her back then, that it didn't exist. But we now know better.
But I think talking with your daughter about how hard parenting can be & maybe talking openly about mental health - like depression - might help. I do hope so.
Just remember, that looking after yourself is important. So if she's asking you to do more babysitting than you can cope with - be honest and let her know.

[pip]

Dear @Bridgetjones. Your daughter may have a form of insecurity if she was in an abusive relationship and no-one believed her. Depression brought about from insecurity often means the person who has the condition (depression/insecurity)will exaggerate so she/he can be heard. If she was abused but failed to report it or wasn't believed, she could now be reaching out the only way she knows how. That on top of her energetic 4 year old could be too much for her to cope with. utopia has made some great suggestions regarding caring for you, plus your daughter's depression etc. However, perhaps it might be an idea to investigate her claims of abuse. If she is exaggerating, it could be she's reaching out and needs help. Maybe look at getting her to go and see her Dr for a referral to a counselor.

[Former-Member]

Hello @Bridgetjones @pip @utopia

It is very difficult as a parent to hear that our children even when adults talking about so many things that are wrong with them.

I personally believe that regardless of whether the illnesses are real or not there is an issue and they are reaching out for help.

I have lived through abusive relationships and self-esteem hits rock bottom. Also unless you have visible scars people tend to disregard any claims of abuse. There is also the other side the person who has stayed after abuse and continued being abused feels shame, embarrassment no matter how strong and intelligent they are. The abuser, manipulator is very clever and very good at hiding all of this from the outside world. It is very hard for anyone to pick up on what is going on.

Possibly your daughter is trying to reach out but is ashamed because she found herself in this situation.

Could you suggest a joint appointment with a doctor and see what your daughter discusses with the doctor. Let your daughter know that you are concerned that she is feeling unwell and are willing to be there for her. She may be more honest in exactly what is going on.

This might not be the case.

I wish you both luck. I can only say that having lived through abusive relationships it takes a very long time to raise self-esteem.

[pip]

Hi @Former-Member. I couldn't agree more. When I was with my ex, the amount of abuse I suffered was unreal. I tried to talk to my ex on many occasions to get some help, to no avail. Any abuse physical or mental is not acceptable and the victim needs support and help and guidance if he/she is to survive and rebuild their life. The problem with emotional scarring is the PTSD that often remains long after the abuse stops. I still suffer this and through counseling have learnt how to recognize abuse and distance myself.

[Gilgamesh]

Sounds like there is something wrong in my opinion. Pain is an easier claim than something like a mental disorder. Take her to a psychiatrist if you can afford it.

If you can't get her to run through the DASS 21. You can use the marking key to see if shes in mental distress.

[Former-Member]

hello @Bridgetjones @pip

Yes Pip, I suffered PTSD for quite some time. Now diagnosed as anxiety. Not sure when the line is crossed and why the title changes. That is medical jargon.

Escaping an abusive relationship is one of the hardest things a person can do. The manipulator plays so cunningly, carefully, covering tracks, never the one to blame, never saying sorry, encouraging their prey to feel guilty, morose, ashamed.Then if the prey shows any sign of strength or reaching out to others, they are quickly reeled back in by promises and loving, adoring looks and words. All of this behind closed door.

Those of us who manage to eventually escape, come out emotionally battered, bruised, humiliated, ashamed, embarrassed, helpless devoid of all self-respect. It doesnt take much to trigger PTSD.

your daughter having physical symptoms may believe that they are real, psycial illness is acceptable in society therefore she can feel that she can get some much need attention and hopefully her gp is astute enough to thoroughly examine her and ask questions.  realising need for a psychologist specialised in this area.

I hope that this is not too confonting for you to read. It is very painful and sadly happening far too much all around us.

If this is not the case, I would be relieved that she has not been through this. she clearly is trying to reach out for help though.

Please dont think that you have done anything wrong, you are probably throwing your hands up in the air, worrying about her and feeling helpless. Let the doctors guide you both.

[pip]

hello @Former-Member. My ex in-laws were similar in that ex MIL would wait ill her son (my hubby) was out of earshot. Then she would accuse me of wanting everything, therefore forcing her son to work all the hours he could. The fact that he wanted everything meant nothing. I told her a couple of times that he was the one who wanted everything, she pooh-poohed that and blamed me more so. Couldn't tell ex hubby, he refused to hear anything. The manipulation tactics that were used by both ex FIL & MIL shocked me. In company I was completely ignored, unless ex hubby decided to tell me off (frequently). His parents would laugh and often join in the 'fun'. I was often told to 'rise above' and ignore. I left him at the end of 2016 after 25 years of this. I was told I was overreacting when I left.