Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

 Hi, 

The passing of my dad last April , has my psychologist wanting to talk about dad and conflicting events that  has stopped me from grieving. She means 'the suggested theraputic letter that really went wrong.. Noo I said, I'm over it, 'Noo'she said.'you are not. Many years ago, one of the ways suggested by a refuge counsellor ,  was to write a letter to dad and mum using the ' I feel' non threatening, way to express my feelings of feeling abandoned at a time of need.. I was encouraged so I gave it a go. . After leaving a bad relationship, my parents said I could stay with them. I had a 15 month old. I stayed at my sisters place in case my ex showed up at mum and dads. The day before going to their house, dad rang. He said are you sitting down? I said yes he said' your mum and i think that the best help you could get would be professional help, a lady will ring you and then we will take you to a safe house. My mum was bawling her eyes out  in the background.' Dont hate dont hate us' Crocodile tears.. They did the same to my older sister years before this when she was put in a refuge 3 hours away and had two kids under 4. So anyway, I recieved a letter a week later. I sat down with a box of tissues, on my own and got ready to read a letter in hopes of connecting a little. I opened it up and it was my letter sent back. It had red marker pen  all over it and words of mine were crossed and changed. Dad had edited my letter. Words like : abandoned was now replaced with his word delusional, hurt was lies, unloving was unbelievable bull shit, intimidating was psychopathic . It went on and on. On the back he wrote : my evaluation of a ungrateful daughter- you are a cancer. Did you ever go without food? Hah look at the size of you now. Disgusting. We did everything for you, and now the thanks we get is a Dear daddy, I' m going to blame every little f$ck up in my life on my parents. Like that's original. Girl, you need to stop hallucinating and making up shit. You and .. ( my oldest sister ) . Obviously arranging both of you help and arranging safe houses to take you in when both of you failed in relationships ( no surprise there) did not make you stand on your own two feet. Be more like ( middle sister ) . I am disgusted. I dishone you and your bastard child. Don't talk to me ever again. I wash my hands of you. May you rot in hell. No longer dad.

I tried to be the better person but truthfully this was  the almighty kick in the guts. Hurt for the first time, was actually physically felt in my heart.   My mother's letter was fake and made her out to be a serious victim.'I'm crying as I write this'she said..my mother's tears would of been a result of reading her own sob story.   I really thought this was dealt with years of allowing myself to be angry, allowing forgiveness, allowing emotions etc.Did not speak for a year. They told my sisters that I would have to beg for forgiveness. I forgave both of them. It didn't feel right, but I was desperate to move on. The days after the letters, I literally felt that my body and brain slammed me quickly and  turned off physical feelng and emotion. This was years before my Bi Polar diagnosis. I think my psych said shock, trauma. No apologies from them.I think they actually said this is a lesson to be learnt. by me, not them. This is by far though, a real exmple of how he handles things.PTSD, can not excuse this one. His edited letter proves he was looking for the most destructive  way that would  create a new pain that I had never been felt from previous shock treatment from him. He succeeded.   Can I just allow this memory to be that one that i can say" Yes you have every right to feel pissed off!?. I feel if I am  allowed this, then maybe I could grieve. Cheers.

[MoonGal]

@Former-Member This lived experience of yours is a hard place, and I salute you for the strength and resilience you have to have shared this part of your life. 

I struggle with this thing that seems that WE have to be the ones to 'forgive' - that is very old thinking, very Judeo-Christian infused thinking - what happens if we get clear eyed about it and say "What was done by Father, or Mother, or Abuser IS unforgivable, unacceptable. And I will not step into that paradigm because you say it is going to ;help' me when it is patently obvious to me that it causes more harm".

I have always struggled with the urging from professionals to "forgive". I have tried to forgive because that is what I thought other people wanted me to do and that maybe I would find some PEACE from the onslaught of memory, abandonment and fear that is the maelstrom inside of me, I thought I forgave (one of) my abusers, I did that because I was told that I would find peace if I did.

Instead it left me feeling very vulnerable and open to new woundings in multiple ways and I am sstruggling to close that breech into which hurt can rush with every encounter with them.

What your Father did with that letter was terrible, and that a Psych still wants you to pursue the subject in some misguided, academic world-view that if you do you will 'get better' is malpractice in my honest opinion. How does that PSych KNOW that in fact it is just causing you more pain and perpetuating and prolonging your mental ill health? How can forcing someone so badly hurt to speak of things they are not yet (and may never be) ready to discuss as a therapeutic relationship?

You have every right to take that event as abuse... the therapeutic letter event was terrible, hurtful and they turned their own inability to SEE you and who you are and how you struggle into a weapon.

How do we grieve for people who did not love us? Perhaps the better road is to acknowledge that grief can be reserved (like love) for people, places, times and things that uphold us in the world, that perhaps grieving (like forgiveness) is not warranted for SOME people - and that being forced to grieve for someone who has abused you is just further abuse.

I dunno, i am struggling mightily with some similar things right now - family things, the scabs ripped off the past as my frail elderly Mum slides slowly into dementia and has no filters over her dislike of me, or me having no filters over my desperation to have been SEEN as myself - not as their projection of me. 

I would say - Yes you do NOT have to forgive anything, forgiveness is YOURS to bestow or withhold. It is not up to other people (counsellor, relative, friend, pastor) to tell US to forgive as if that is the holy grail of recovery.

The word Re-Cover -y to pull the blanket back over something.

I like the word Un-Cover-y better. Un-cover the mess other people made of our lives and the effects that has had on us and THAT is the terrible burden that we need to Uncover and shine a light on and maybe THEN we can Move On. Eh?

I just googled this term "you don't have to forgive your abuser" and there are a number of good articles that popped up in regards mostly women writers who have struggled with this whole thing.

As to the "way" being grief and forgiveness = healing? Who says that? It is a modality handed down the ages and projected on us by people who do NOT have to be the ones who forgive the acts that were perpetrated upon us nor grieve the life we lost because of those actions.

Perhaps the better GRIEF is being real about the life we could have led without controlling, disassociated parents who blame us for their own failings?

I dunno Ms78 - If I had that letter still the one with all the red markings and the 'corrections' (or if not perhaps print out the post you wrote about it and) I would burn it with great ceremony and say - You were wrong Dad, you were always wrong in your view of me and what you did and did not do as a Father hurt me immeasurably and I will not (do not have to, am allowed not to) talk about you any more to therapists or family - because you do not deserve the air it takes to have that discussion. And let go of guilt because it is THEIR guilt not our own, they project it upon us to protect themselves from their own failings.  

[Former-Member]

Hi @MoonGal,

Thankyou for taking time to reply.I was a little unsure about the content when I started to post. I didnt want members to shy away from, yes a topic very heavy and probably raw and similiar to  other member's experiences. At the moment counselling have been well less helpful. I needed member's more than ever to just throw out similar experiences, no matter how little or if you think it's not relevant. I chose to share that letter because I felt the only way I could really explain my dad and why I can't grieve, is in that letter. And I am shaming him even though he is not here. and, I hope it can help others.It is a situation where counselling can go wrong.You are right that my psych is probably pushing for closure. and should not get me to forgive him. i dont want to feel physical relief from forgiving. They didn't care that i forgave them, only got pleasure from me approaching them. Thankyou so much for your post. It helped heaps.Cheers.

[MoonGal]

@Former-Member I don;t reckon you are 'shaming him' I reckon you are telling your own story and his behaviour was a shame in that story. I am so twisted up around this stuff that I will take the blame for other's behaviours thats what they set up so long ago - fault assigned to the victim.

Anyways I am glad something I might of said helped. It is a hard row to hoe this life past and all the people in it.

[Former-Member]

Hi MoonGal,
Thought I would give you some great news. Had my psychologist session yesterday. Talked about that letter. How forgiving was so hard to do. She got me to do a pro/con list of forgiveness. There was 11 cons and 2 pros. She said she was here to counsel and guide me. She told me that my cons were hurting me. I was trying so hard to forgive. She said... don't forgive if it tortures me so much. Instead remember the small smiles, the tiny memories and let them grow big in my mind that I have of my dad and set them free ( i wasn't allowing them to be celebrated because of the other crap, she meant happier times like teaching me to ride my bike, getting to work with him etc. As for the letter and anything else bad, you don't have to forgive. Archive those thoughts. Take them, deal with each one without the hatred and bitterness and file them away. Now this allows me to acknowledge ( not erase) the true feelings and not deal with them out of hate and bitterness but at the same time, respecting that they were hurtful and real memories. I left yesterday with tears of happiness and relief. I was quick to misjudge my psychologist. I am glad she re assesed my situation. But I had to really explain every con and every pro without using the word hate or 'just because '. But it was worth it. So again, thank you for your kind words, they did help yesterday in session. Cheers Ms78

[utopia]

@Former-Member. Yes you have every right to feel angry, hurt, betrayed - your emotions are valid. This was a horrible thing for your parents to do to you.
I don't know about forgiveness. I can't rationalise why some people deserve it. I feel that what is more deserving - and far more important - is you being able to heal.
There are a number of people on this forum who are also dealing with very similar situations. Hopefully they will see your post and can offer some ideas on what has helped or not helped them deal with their toxic families.
I wish you all the best