Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

@utopia no you didn't over step the mark. I asked a question and genuinely wanted an answer. You've given me words and thoughts to my mixed up feelings. You've helped untangle the mess a little bit.
Thank you.

[utopia]

@Former-Member ♥♥♥

[utopia]

@Janna. ♥♥♥♥

[Appleblossom]

Yes it seems to.

Perhaps becasue it is so far from the ideal .. of being raised in a protected way .. leading to creating trusting and positive relationships and understanding how to engage around sexual and gender issues.

I relate to your question a lot @Former-Member because I did not twig I had been sexually abused until a social worker made it clear from what was in my wardfile.  LAST YEAR.  After I even joined this forum.  I thought I was sufferening due to the unresolved issues of my the abuse of my father ... and other MI complications ... despite my education in the field and "awareness" I could not actually apply it to myself. 

Now if I think of myself as having endured CSA so many aspects of my life choices (which held great shame) fall into perpsective and I dont have to self whip about them ..I am learning to accept that it is often the way a person with that early expreience will develop, think or behave.

Even when I went to the Vic Enquiry into Institutional abuse .. I did not realise how it applied to me. I was carrying the banner for my dad.

Great topic . @Akash75 do you have any personal experience

[Former-Member]

Hi @Appleblossom
Such a huge thing to share here, i'm sorry that it happened to you. realising... must have been a shock. But i'm glad that it has helped in other ways, i.e. finding perspective about your life etc. hope you're ok
lj

[Appleblossom]

I am "ok" about it now. @Former-Member Thank you for noticing.

It was weird. It was embarrassing to my ego more than a shock and has meant that I am now entitled to a lot of counselling.  Gee whizz I wish they had that when I was younger as counselling definitely meant I had no entertainment budget for 30 years.  Starting to get some entertainment and feel normal .. lol ..  to relate to all here on the site.  maybe thats why I had the line .. best tickets are on stage .. so that I could at least be part of things bigger than my family.

I had my own way of understanding and explaining my life actions and focussed on choice and my agency, but in fact there were a lot of experiences that I had little choice in.

It also helps me feel less defensive about me and my choices .. puts it in wider perspective .. what I accept and what others would say was acceptable .. are still very different.

I noticed to 2 men in my recorder course in January .. laughing to each other .. at the speed with which acquiesed to a demand.

A conductor apologised to choir for "testing us" and admitted he was being an an-al about vowel pronunciation.  Good thing is I have gotten over hoops and am now in more collegial (not hierarchical) relationship with him ... 

I am too good at behaving .. sometimes ... despite my aberrations.

@Former-MemberGlad you are still around Bella.  You are precious and an inspiration to us .. and also just human too.  No-one really wants to be role model .. tho I put that kind of pressure on me for kids etc.

Son off to rehearsal ... we both did Shakespeare yesterday. I had hoped to have day off but was asked to step into breach .. which I often do.   So relaxing for me today. Just pick him up later.

Consequences CSA are so varied ....can we even fully know them

maybe it is why I chose more formal and classical interests to try and unconsciously compensate.

[Former-Member]

Yes @Akash75- absolutely it can. I have experienced this myself but due to trauma most of it is a blank (lost memeories of childhood years).  I also have had many professionals in the mental health field tell me that most whom end up in the emergency psychiatric wards is due to being sexually abused. It is the cause of my daughter's MIs. I agree that many suppress this - my daughter still can't talk about it which is half of the problem. Thank you for raising such an important issue surrounding mental illness.

[Adge]

Akash75,

Thanks for bravely writing about it.

Childhood sexual abuse has affected nearly every aspect of my life. My trauma was on-going over 20 years, not just the csa.

I have complex PTSD, & have had many years of therapy to deal with the on-going issues & effects.

Even though the csa was about 35 years ago, & the on-going trauma up until about 20 years ago - I'm still coming to terms with it all, on a daily basis.

I have amnesia covering most of my childhood, & early adulthood, as a result of my background & experiences.

Strangely enough, although I never forgot the csa - the effects (repercussions) for me seemed worse after I finally talked about it (disclosed) to a counsellor in 2011.

That brought so much up that I'm now dealing with, even though I had never forgotten the abuse.

Thanks for sharing.

Adge