Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[OzK]

In a roundabout way I have found myself as the adult sponsor/contact/carer for an 18 year old boy recently diagnosed with BPD.

His history is one of abandonment, violence and neglect.

Seemingly at no stage of his young life struggling with identity, self harm, destructive thinking and suicide attempts did any adult, whether family or professional, think to dig deeper and explore his behaviours.

After a crisis situation was reached and he ended up living on the streets at 17, he came to me and we started finding some solutions.

He's back in school (his dearest wish), living independently (not very successfully - the loneliness, isolation and boredom are a big problem) and on Youth Allowance from Centrelink.

He has a psychiatrist and psychologist and I am currently researching options for DBT groups in my area.

I could go on for pages about his maddening behaviours but that might be a subject for another post!

My question is: Does anyone have any experience or insight into whether BPD would qualify him (or me as a carer) for any sort of extra financial assistance? I keep hitting roadblocks with Centrelink as a) he's now 18, b) he doesn't live with me, c) I'm not an official carer or foster parent although he is completely dependent on me.

We are always in contact and I see him every day; helping out with shopping, cooking, finances, schooling etc. He has to have his regular psych visits but the costs are killing me as the doctors he trusts are in the private sector. (Thank goodness we've reached the Medicare threshold already this year!)  

I guess I'm his 'safe' person - he's slowly learning to trust that I won't leave and I'm honoured to do that for him. He's a frustrating but beautiful kid with so much potential and he's come so far already with just having someone to guide him. 

Any advice or experiences to share?

[Fancy_Pants]

Hi @OzK

Welcome to the sane forums 🙂

My goodness this poor young man has been through a lot and has many challenges but he is incredibly lucky to have you in his life, you sound like a very beautiful person for caring / helping so much.

Im sorry I am not sure about centrelink payments but what i was wondering is if he is living alone at 18 is that because there were difficulties at home? was he in foster care before this? sometimes there are financial resources availible (from dhs) for teens as they transition out of care and into the world?  

my other thought was Partners In Recovery agencies (click here) they help people with persistent mental health issues meet their goals and access treatment. i dont think they would be able to help him or you financially but they do know the system (located all over aus) in their area and may have ideas or may be able to come over and support him (teach daily living skills and get him involved in local community) on days that you cant? 

im not sure if you have seen this or not but there is also a thread about tips for family and friends of an individual with BPD - click here

just ideas, does anyone else have any other thoughts? @Amber1 @Kiera80 @Former-Member

[Former-Member]

Hi @OzK

My daughter suffers BPD but she lives at home and our situation is totally different to yours. We receive no assistance and received very little help unfortunately.

I know some years back that people that cared and assisted family members/friends with a disability/illness that lived in separate dwellings were entitled to a carers allowance (not pension). That is the only type of financial assistance that comes to mind, but the legislation regarding this may have changed now. In my knowledge the 18 year old young man you assist would have to have a diagnosed mental disability with you being his primary carer. I think the first step in obtaining any type of government assistance would be to take steps to be legally recognised as an official carer. 

If you feel Centrelink are not being helpful or giving you adequate information there are associations such as local community centres that offer free legal assistance or may be able to point you in the right direction as to where you can recieve adequate advice/assistance.

I think @Fancy_Pants offered good advice in seeking out associated stated groups as they would be in the know to what type of assistance you may be entitled to having been in similar circumstances. 

You are truly admirable in assisting this young man in having a chance at life. My deepest respect to you.

[OzK]

Thank you @Fancy_Pants

He's had a pretty rotten time of it. His mother left when he was a year old. His Dad was violent and abusive which resulted in a DOCS intervention when he was 13 and he was court ordered back with Mum. She's a nice lady but suffers her own PTSD issues I think. He has blanked out much of his childhood but I do know there was police/medical intervention during High School years which never seemed to be followed up. He had a suicidal breakdown during HSC trials which is when I got involved and started him with a therapist. His Mum threw him out because he wouldn't enrol himself in TAFE or get a job and so her benefits for him were stopped. I don't blame her - it was tough love but as we now know with the BPD diagnosis, the thought of doing all this 'grown up' stuff by himself was terrifying and put him in a very dangerous situation where, sleeping rough, he would 'go home' with random strangers and a few of them had less than honourable intentions!

He moved away from his home area primarily because I couldn't find a school prepared to enrol him there. A great school near me was willing to let him re-do years 11 and 12 so he decided to move. His attendance is still not perfect - the dark days, the staying up all night and sleeping all day episodes, the general lack of botheredness (his words) but the school know the situation and are incredibly supportive.

I actually think he may also be on the Autism Spectrum but that can be a fight for another day!

I will follow up on your suggestions. I think it's time to have another round with Centrelink - how I wish it were easier to talk with a real person there. The online process drives me crazy!

Thank you for your support. Have a great day.

[OzK]

An update on my BPD boy. We spoke with the good folk at our local Mental Heath Line and apparently he does not qualify for a government backed DBT programme becauce BPD is not a 'serious' mental health issue. Thanks for that. I'll be sure to call you when he succeeds in one of his suicidal states. Grrr!

His psychologist has given us paperwork to take to Centrelink so hopefully we can use that to get funding for further help for him. Looks like I have no option but to pay for private DBT.

It's not been a great week.

Having turned 18 recently he has exercised his legal drinking options. Luckily he is a happy drunk but worryingly he is liking how empowered and euphoric he feels when tipsy. The crashes that come after a drinking jag are really bad. He's a smart kid and a lot of his logic about how he feels when drinking is hard to argue with but it's another level of concern added to my already sometimes frazzled life!

Does anyone else have tips on how to cope with the rollercoaster that is BDP boy listening to and understanding rational discussion about appropriate behaviour, seemingly understanding and then all of that going to hell in a handbag within hours?

An example is a very reasoned chat about how he is now 18 and that agreeing to buy alcohol for underaged school mates is illegal and potentially very risky. Thousands of $$ in fines which he could not pay = jail time. He absolutely agrees then, not 24 hours later, he's telling me of a plan to earn money buying grog for kids at school. The risks? He doesn't care.

I know he finds it hard to fit in.( Did I mention that I think he may be Asperger's too?) I also know he is very giving and caring and finds it hard to turn away a potential friend but how to make the reasoning stick? This is then made worse because he knows I'm upset (even tho I do my best to be fair and measured) and it then reaches crash point. Another midnight run to his flat last night - overdosing was looking tempting. Back here to my place and insisting on the basics - eat, sleep, study, school.

I guess I'm just venting. It's great to have a place where other people understand the fears and frustrations. Thanks for reading xx

[OzK]

Hi there@OverTheEdge

Thanks so much for your post.

I feel for you struggling to help your daughter. My lad is not really mine but his problems can sometimes consume me so I can only imagine how hard it must be to have your own child in that position. How old is she? It must be so difficult.

I would happily take on full responsibility for my BPD boy but he has family - as do I. And in their own way they care about him. He has a Mum and he loves her, even though she can't give him the support he needs and I feel quite strongly that I can't step in and assume control.

She and I stay in touch regularly and she has often said that she doesn't know how I can find the people to help him and that she's very grateful. (Just quietly, it's not rocket science but more a stubborn insistance on stamping my feet, making some noise and not taking no for an answer!) I have recently met with his family and given them the details of his condition so they know how to cope if he crashes when he visits them, including some stern words with his siblings about pulling him into their drug use. Not wanting to sound preachy but theirs is SUCH a different way of life to mine! Unfortunately his past experiences with them will mean he will still call me rather than ask them for help.

Is your daughter having any other therapy other than maybe her psychologist? Was it easy to access? As you may have read, I hit a brick wall regarding DBT which I understand is one of the therapies that can help. Maybe they are right and that he is considered too young at 18 to commit to it. Do you have any insight with that?

So we go forward......school, exams, some life skills and maybe/ hopefully a glimmer of a happy future for him.

I don't know about your daughter but he can be such a sweetheart. Maddening to an extreme degree but loving and funny, often terrified and infuriating but sometimes self aware and oh so smart. I tear my hair out regularly but very occasionally I get the ' Thanks for being there. I appreciate it. I love you' and it makes it all worthwhile.

Keep smiling! And hug your girl for me.