Lived Experience Forum

[Rosalieann]

My dad cheated on my mum twice the second time was 5 years ago. I was in year 11 the same year my grandfather passed away and our house was flooded. My parents got a divorce and my father Maried the woman he cheated on my mum with. She has 3 kids. I didn't forgive him for a very long time, mostly because I felt he also divorced me and my sister. He made very little effort with us and spent every moment with his new wife and children. But I forgave, every time he let me down I tried again to make effort. The other day tears in his eyes admitted the distance, the grief caused and said he was sorry and moving closer to live closer to me. Then bombshell his wife is pregnant. He is 55, her not much longer. I was in shock. Still am. I feel selfish for feeling upset but he always used to complain about how tight money was but yet they have both spent thousands conceiving this child since my father got the snip a long time ago. I have had medical expenses I never asked any money for because I felt guilty and thought he was struggling. He thinks having another baby at his age is normal. He never wanted more children and even admits he doesn't know how to comfort me when I cry.... They even attempted taking in a child last year who was orphaned but took him back a few days later as he was too much to handle. I feel so uncomfortable. Ashamed. It's not that my father has moved on, or I'll have a half sister it's the age it's the way I thought he was finally going to make an effort with me and my sister finally but now has something else to raise to invest love in where we missed out. Me and my sister are adults now in our early 20s but our family dramas get more crazier and it tests my insanity so much. I just feel awful and confused

[mrkotter]

Hey, 

I want to let you know that's ok to have these feelings. It's a lot to work through and I think it's justified to question your relationship with your father. You state there is a lot of past evidence to support how you think right now. But doesn't mean he still won't make the effort or that he will. 

If you're feeling this way I think you should try and reach out to family that you do have a strong attachment to. What does your sister think? They might be having similar feelings about the issue.

[CherryBomb]

Hi @Rosalieann,

I don't think you are not insane @Rosalieann. To me it seems that you are having a perfectly reasonable response. MI aside, the circumstances that you are facing would leave most people upset, hurt, and angry. 

It sounds like your dad has not been fully present for you and your sister, and it seems that your feelings have been invalidated by his actions too time over again. I'm not suggesting that your dad is bad, or that he did this on purpose. What I'm trying to get across is that the impact of his behaviour on you - the pain it causes - is rarely aknowledged. He has realised it at times, and it certainly sounds like he tries, but for the most part, it seems there's a lot of hurt that is unresolved for you. 

In a hypothetical world, what would you want to tell your dad that you need from him?

@Rosalieann it's totally understandable that you're feeling ashamed and worried about missing out. Like @mrkotter suggests, is it possible to chat to someone that you feel close?

CB

[Appleblossom]

It takes courage to tell your story @Rosalieann

[lola]

Hi there, I don't think you are insane. You are having a very natural reaction to your father's lack of emotional availability. There is so much unresolved between you and him. And I agree with mrkotter that you discuss yur feelings with your sister? Regards Lola

[Rosalieann]

I have reached out to my sister about it, it brought us both to tears. We are still very hurt by the past by him, it's nice to know I'm not alone In it all but I'm just disappointed in my dad. I'd want to tell him I need to feel his presence more in my life, time spent with just him and not by me always coming to him and organising it. I can't help but feel a bit bitter towards his wife 😞
Thanks everyone for your kindness it's so hard to deal with it all at the moment

[Jaz3]

The hard part of dealing with family and growing up is accepting then for who they are. Some members are too hard and just don't care. Sometimes you need to let them go for a while and let them know how disappointing they are. Sometimes you need to let go of who they used to be
Set boundaries of what you expect of him, how often he needs to visit you etc you may need to compromise a little bit here and there. Just a thought
I hope that makes sense