)ok okYes my relationship with my sister has been complicated. There was a fifteen year age gap between us. She married when i was about five.i tried over the years to establish a relationship with her, but she wasnt interested. Anyway we had contact later and all was good, then a trip to see her went pair shaped. She changed her no to a silent one, so i thought that was the end. Some years later she established contact with my other sister. She kept relaying messages to me . My reaction was why now, after all this time and everything that had hapened. It took me a long time to let her back in my life. I only wanted limited contact via email. the next thing was she was ringing me. So much for my boundies! I have never been comfortable with the contact.
The first we knew of her illness was December.
It was all very sketchy information, but i worked out it was pancreatic cancer . So about six weeks ago it became evedent that she didnt have long left, and my husband wanted to take me over to see her. Problem one was i didnt think we would make it in time, and that proved to be the case. The other thing was the more arrangements my husbad made the more the panic set in. What would i say to her it certainly wouldn't be what i felt. Retuning to england was opening up old wounds, very painful wounds. I didnt want to go there. Getti g on the plane to come back to Australia felt like it i was being wrenched away from my homeland all over again. I just couldn't go there. And i felt that i would end up in the mhu on my return. (My daughter was of the same opinion. )
So ive had mixed feelings since her death. Her funeral was yesterday. I feel its over in a way. I have had a sense of loss at times. I feel angry more than anything. I got rid of everything she sent me this morning . I dont think i will regret it I guess i just want to wipe out all memories. So much pain attatched to it all.
I started a new group this morning and i think it is going to be very helpful. It called interpersonal therapy.
I think my change in medication has help Also the fact that i am looking at volunteering, putting something positive in my week. It has taken me years to get to this point. Ongoing group therapy has helped me to not be so fearful of people. So i am slowly moving forward. Still a long way to go. I guess its about persevering , working through the good and the bad. The fear and anxiety. Sometime its two steps forward and three back. Its looking at the whole picture not just whats right in your face. It helps too if there are people to tell you objectively how your going. Ive found that my dr and therapists give me good feedback on how im going. Family dont always see the changes, whi h can effect me in a negative way. I feel im putting in the this effort and they see no change. It can lead me to feel very down. So i try to look forward, and look at the bigger picture. I hope that helps.
Volunteering, i am looking at either teaching english to new migrants (some training involved) or play groupfor migrant children, or caring for children while parent learn english or attend appointments. I was a child care worker so works in well. All pursitions are for about two hours a week, which i think is a good start for me.
Emergency, police & ambulance (24 Hrs)
Connect with a lifeline crisis supporter (24 Hrs)
Suicide callback service (24 Hrs)
Kids helpline (24 Hrs)
13 YARN