Lived Experience Forum

[SunflowerGirl]

So. Where to begin?
2011 was a great time for me. I traveled overseas and worked in a ski villiage with my boyfriend (SO) (we'd been dating since 2004) we traveled and needed only ourselves and our van. Had the best year snowboarding and loving life.
Begining of feb 2012 we were traveling back home for my SO to return to his job (after a one year sabbatical) and I got the news that my grandmother had become quite sick in the last week and had passed away before I could reach home to say goodbye this amazing woman who I loved and lived next door to for 25 years of my life. Practically my second mother. I was shattered.

A month later, I had to put my dog down (14yrs old)
A few weeks after that I found out my uncle, who I had become close to in that last year while living Over seas had fallen from a ladder and upon receiving treatment had a cancer diagnosis.

All of this while dealing with a major lifestyle change of coming back to my hometown after being away for 14 months and finding work again etc

I also had some disappointment that my boyfriend hadn't proposed yet. I thought that he would know by now if he wanted to stay with me forever. But he just hadn't gotten around to thinking about actually proposing at that stage.

October of that year his grandfather had a terrible fall from a ladder and sustained bad head injuries and was in a coma for 6 weeks, before making a miracouls(slow) recovery to 90% pre accident health over the following 6 months.

I had a lot to deal with but remained strong.
For around 18 months
Then the stress of it all really got to me.
I was becoming more and more hurt about the lack of marriage proposal and I was growing more anxious daily.
My decision making was so affected that I would spend 2 hours at the grocery store simply picking up a few groceries. Because I couldn't make a decision over which brand of jam to buy. Or what I should make for dinner/which meat to buy.

I was crying at anything happy or sad and just generally panicking over the smallest things.
Fertility questions stressed me out and with irregular periods I was conjuring up some terrible fate.


I sought help from a female GP who made a mental health plan and tested me for ovulation and also did other tests to rule out poly cystic ovarian syndrome and helped me to make a plan for some weight loss.
I started seeing a psychologist who said obviously I am suffering anxiety but he said it might not be depression as much as suffering Greif.

I was "cured" after around 14 visits and a lot of $$$$$$$ I learned how to deal with my anxiety and techniques to cope when I feel panicked.

I felt happy to be patient and wait for my SO to propose (which he did around 3 months later)
I was okay with missing my grandmothers last moments and ended up dealing with my grief and loss.

The next couples of years have been mighty eventful and I'm not sure if the same thing is happening again?
I feel like I haven't dealt with everything that has happened to me / around me.

We had a great 2 years. My SO proposed, we had a fantastic engagement party and grew as a couple.
I started my own business and was becoming more successful as I poured everything into my work, friends and relationship.
We moved in together into our own apartment (not more sharing) and ended up having our dream wedding.
At the end of the wedding reception, while dancing I managed to severely injure my knee! Tearing a number of ligaments.

I still managed to go on our honeymoon and had to take pain killers to get through the next couple of months of physio/rehab
Injuring my knee meant my business couldn't continue. And I had to let all of my regular clients know that I couldn't service them in the foreseeable future.
During our honeymoon my husband also recieved a job offer for his dream job in a different city.

we decided the move would be good for us and our future family and then moved within 6 weeks.

Settling in to a new town with a busted knee and having no job was hard. It took me around 4.5 months to heal and get a job.

I managed to excel in the job and got a promotion after 3 months to managerial position (as my boss became ill and had to stop working) and I was the one who was most involved and had gained the most experience in the short time.
( I struggle mentally with accepting the promotion under the terrible circumstances- even though I applied and was selected for the role)

So. Here I am in the job with little direction/development (everything I've had to work out for myself)
My new boss is a very judgmental, impersonal person who is quite negative and I just don't trust. (She's basically a nasty person not just to me but everyone)

I have been in this new city for a year and have struggled to make any real connections and friendships.
I have been relying on my husband for everything who has recently confessed some things he has been hiding from me - when we were spilt up in the second year of dating, he was seeing another woman and never told me this whole time. When I thought we had only been with each other.
We were split up at the time and got back together afterwards - so it's not technically cheating. However I feel cheated. Because he wasn't upfront with me.
It had been eating him up for years and his guilt had stifled our intamacy in our relationship

I have been having troubles again, making decisions and remembering things at work.
I've been struggling meeting my work requirements and I have been feeling increasingly sad and lost and lonely.

I am about to go to the doctors for help next week. ( I have an appointment)

I don't know what to do.
I am trying to forgive my husband.
I have moved cities for him
I want to forgive him but it's just hard.

I am struggling at work and having to work shift hours. Often working late till 9pm at night so it makes it hard to maintain a regular sleep/excerscise pattern

I'm having a meeting at work on Tuesday to discuss my performance and I just want to quit.
I don't want to tell my horrible boss anything to do with my feelings or mental struggles as she will just judge me

I'm just mentally drained and becoming physically sick from everything. I'm overloaded.

I have never had medication for my problems but I can't remember my techniques for coping with the anxiety that I learned. And I can't stop myself from just freaking out - heartbeat, breathing and crying.

I know I just wrote down a whole bunch of stuff that maybe doesn't even make sense to anyone else

But if you made it to the end
Congratulations.

Let me know if you have any ideas

😭😭😭😭
Sunflower

[Artaud]

Hi Sunflower,

I read your post with interest. You have showen real courage and bravery in a number of diffcult situations that you have faced both historically and currently. Interpersonal stuff can be diffcult to handle. Are you currently seeking help right now ? Please feel free to become part of our online community. I hope you will get the support you are looking for from the forums. 

Artaud

[suzanne]

Hello @SunflowerGirl, your story definitely made sense to me.  When life throws us too many challenges at any one time, we get over-loaded and over-whelmed.  That's what the difficulty with decisions and remembering is about.  You've got a tremendous amount on your plate, and have had a great deal to manage over the past few years.  It's pretty normal to be struggling under these circumstances.

Having responded so well to counselling in the past I'd feel very encouraged about your getting back on top of things again.  Particularly the issue around your husband.  If you're feeling isolated and unsupported at the moment, it's hard to work through an issue such as this.  Do you have a GP you can talk to about getting a referral to a Psychologist? 

Another thing that might help is to check out some online resources.  Given that you've learned these strategies in the past, and simply need a refresher, you might benefit from an online CBT course that will remind you of your previous coping strategies.  I'm listing some below.  Other forum members might be able to comment on their experiences with any of these courses.

In the meantime, be as kind to yourself as possible.  Reduce commitments where you can and pile on the self-care.  And keep us in the loop.  I'd love to hear how you go.

Online supports
E-couch
Website (interactive)
https://ecouch.anu.edu.au
e-couch is a self-help interactive program providing information about emotional problems - what causes them, how to prevent them and how to treat them. It includes exercises to help you understand yourself and others better. Provides evidence-based information and teaches strategies drawn from cognitive, behavioural and interpersonal therapies as well as relaxation and physical activity. Your e-couch program includes information, exercises and a workbook to track your progress and record your experiences, and toolkits to help you improve your mood and emotional state, and tackle challenges that you may be facing.
- Free of charge
E-couch modules: depression, generalised anxiety & worry, social anxiety, relationship breakdown, and Loss & grief.

MindSpot
1800 61 44 34
8am - 8pm, Monday to Friday, 8am - 6pm Saturday
contact@mindspot.org.au
https://mindspot.org.au
The MindSpot Clinic is a free telephone and online assessment and treatment service for Australian adults who are experiencing difficulties with anxiety, stress, depression and low mood. They cannot answer questions about treatment if you are not or have not been a patient of the MindSpot Clinic.

Mental Health Online
www.mentalhealthonline.org.au
Mental Health Online (formerly Anxiety Online) is an internet-based treatment clinic for people with mental health problems. It is an initiative of the National eTherapy Centre (NeTC) at Swinburne University of Technology and funded by the Federal Department of Health and Ageing.
1. Information: High quality information and resources are provided to help you understand mental health difficulties and their treatment
2. Clinical assessment: Online psychological assessment program (e-PASS) enables you to complete a comprehensive psychological assessment online and obtain an online diagnosis This assessment will provide you with feedback as to the type and severity of mental health difficulties you may be experiencing, and treatment recommendations
3. Publicly available treatment programs: Comprehensive and effective treatment programs are available for treating anxiety disorders (Generalised Anxiety Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Panic Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder). The clinical treatment programs are available in two versions:
a) Self-help programs for individuals with mild symptoms, offered free of charge
b) Therapist-assisted programs for individuals with moderate to severe symptoms, offered at a low cost. Therapist assistance is in the form of weekly email communication. This form of treatment has been proven more effective than purely self-help programs

This Way Up
Website - online support
https://thiswayup.org.au
Online treatment, education and research in anxiety and depression. THIS WAY UP™ offers four services:
1. Guided Programs: six courses to manage anxiety and depression, taken under the supervision of a clinician. Access restricted to people with a prescription code from their clinician.
2. Self Help: information and skill development courses. Information about anxiety and depressive disorders and brief courses that people can take to learn to overcome their disorders. Open access. There are two sections:
a. ‘Learn about’ pages on panic and agoraphobia, social phobia, specific phobia, trauma, depression, compulsions and worry.
b. ‘Learn to Change’ courses.
· Courses are typically four lessons to be completed over 20 to 40 days
· There is no cost.
· Some of these courses are brief versions of the more extensive Guided Treatment courses.
· Each lesson should take 20-30 minutes, putting it into practice will take four to five hours over the next week.
· Topics covered include ‘mixed worry and sadness’ and ‘shyness’. Courses on crisis and trauma management are forthcoming.
· Resources section - educate yourself about the causes, symptoms and treatment options available for Compulsions, Depression, Generalised Anxiety, Panic Disorder, Social Phobia, specific Phobias, Stress, and Trauma.
· Self-help questionnaire.
THIS WAY UP is part of the Clinical Research Unit for Anxiety and Depression (CRUfAD). CRUfAD is a joint facility of St Vincent’s Hospital and the University of New South Wales

[SunflowerGirl]

Thanks for the useful information guys.

I just need to get to my GP and start the process off.

Im going to try stay strong tomorrow in my meeting at work and not cry Infront of my boss.

Day by day!

Sunflower