Lived Experience Forum

[PattyK]

Hi All,

ok here goes ...

Here is my story ... I'm sharing this in the hope of some support and feedback as I really struggle to openly talk about my problems outside of my treating doctor. This means I'm not great at openly talking about how I am really feeling with my wife and family (im great at saying "im ok"). Ive always been a very private person and for whatever reason really protective of my peronal image. I am employed in a executive position in a large company that has a very old school 'blokey' culture to it.

About 6 years ago I was in a car accident where I wasnt at fault. My two baby children were in the car and heaven behold we walked away from the accident ...a miracle. It has chnged me ever since. Over the next several months - in hindsight - i started experiening PTSD and without getting any help for about 2 years this has manifested to a point where I experience it particlary really bad with a major anxiety problem and a comorbid depression issue.

I'm now on medication to help manage and I have my high and low days. Despite the medication the anxiety is so severe it just takes over me. It feels like im being stabbed in teh back with an overwhelming feeling of guilt and pressure, for no reason at all....just horrible. Recently I've started taking illicet drugs just to help overcome the short term pain I'm experiencing (note ive never had a history of drugs). I just had a work trip overseas by myself for 2 weeks and my behaviour was pretty much outer of control ... drinking alot, not sleeping well, doing bad drugs. I just felt so isololated and i was really vunerable. It eventuated in my having a panic attack and needing to see a local doctor. It was the closest i've been to throwing it all in.

Since Ive been back and around my family my wellbeing has improved but still is nowhere were my life used to be. I'm really struggling to keep performing at the level required of my job, but I have the responsibility of being the sole bred winner for a family of five, and im fortunate to get paid quite well.

Im in my mid 30's. Just wondering if anyone out there has any words of wisdom and feedback. I just think its a case of when, not if, that i relapse into a really bad state that may involve me acting self destructive again.

Thanks in advance, hope everyone out there is coping ok.

Pat

[Former-Member]

Hi @PattyK 

i'm so glad to hear that you were all ok after that terrible accident, but so sorry to hear about the devastating impact that its having and had on your life.

I'm also glad that you've reached out here, and shared your story, I think you'll find that there are many who can relate. I have PTSD and understand the massive burdon it has on your life.I also struggle with the anxiety, though at the moment it is more the depression that is taking its toll. My anxiety can come in waves where everything is a trigger and threat so that i just want to avoid everything... i'm wondering if that wher the drug use comes from for you? i havent used substances to do that, but i have had problems with self harming and i dissociate a lot. 

I hope that you get some support here (i'm sure you will), there is a great community of caring people here,

Most of all, please be kind to yourself, forgive yourself for the past, and keep working on the future. You did say you are on medication, but are you getting any other support from a psychologist or psychiatrist? I have found both to be essential to keeping me going.

Hope to see you around the forums,

LJ

[Tyler77]

hi @PattyK

glad you could make it here.  The internet is a great place for those who are naturally shy.  The annonymity and distance between you are the other people really allows an opening up, more so than in person would allow.  

I also struggle with PTSD, and I've found that you need to think of it when your not flashing back, and realize it isnt such of a big deal.  In other words.  I have these flashbacks and its very real and very disturbing, but later on...if i conciously try to think of the event or issues, they are much less impacting on my psyche.  Forgiving yourself and not getting down on yourself is definitly good advice.  But you said so yourself, that your the sole bread winner of a family of five.  If you can't stay off illegal drugs for yourself, you have got to do it for them.  Getting a counselor/psychiatrist/psychologist would be a good idea, as they can help work with you to address the major issues you are facing and prescribe legally any drugs you may need.  

sincerely,

Tyler77

[PattyK]

Hi LJ and Tyler77,<br>Appreciate your prompt and caring responses. To answer your questions I see a really good psychiatrist every 2-3 weeks. I'm on a range of meds at present namely cymbalta and lyrica in the morning and valdoxan and sql of evening. Have tried others in the past but these seem to mix best with my body. I've been on and off anxiety specific meds like over the last 12mths. I'm really trying to minimise and my dr is being really responsible. The illicit drugs part I suppose I'd me self medicating ... Wanting to escape from the way I feel. I have to travel with my work a lot and I don't handle my own company very well. Don't really like person in the mirror anymore.<br>Last week - after having a good few days - I had s really bad PTSD trigger, basically saw the same type of car that hit me and I went into a meltdown. I was alone interstate (a Monday night) ... Ended up drinking til daylight with some stranger and doing drugs... Crazy behaviour. I've since been into hospital by own admission to declare my lack of confidence in my decision making. I was supposed to go into a private clinic on Monday but no beds have become available so I'm biding my time working and still struggling. Hopefully they get me a bed in the next few days and seek some much needed help. One of the biggest problems I have is the industry I work in forces me to face certain triggers very often. Then the panic stacks and anxiety kicks in. Depression off the back of that.<br>Anyway I'm trying and I want to say that i really appreciate the feedback. I really hope you all are doing as good as you can ... I hope to find some of your strength and I'll take your words of wisdom on.<br>PattyK

[Sahara]

Hi @PattyK,

it sounds like going into a private clinic would be a good idea for you. You might need your medication reviewed again, as it seems you are still getting very severe anxiety even with a combination of meds. Well done for taking yourself off to hospital. I wish I had done the same thing myself years ago when I was really struggling.

Instead I tried to soldier on for many months while I felt like I was losing my mind. It would have been such a relief just to have someone take care of me and make decisions for me while I was so dysfunctional and had such severe anxiety and depression that I was getting completely drunk every night just to escape my own mind. 

We all need some help sometimes. You have a lot of insight into your own life if you are able to recognise that you need help right now. I think people who have good insight tend to respond well to treatment. 

I'm so glad your children were not harmed in the accident.

Write when you can and let us know how you are doing. Hugs.

[Sehnsucht]

@PattyK,
Firstly, big hugs.

I wish you well and hope your bed frees up soon. The right inpatient clinic can be an immensely safe and calm place, a space where everyday life is take over for you so you have space and time to focus on you :).

In terms of sharing with family, I'm going to be honest here. The act of sharing alone does not always make us feel better, or safer. We need to know that those we are sharing with are available to actively listen, to respond with help and not judgements. For me, family sessions is my ultimate goal. At present, as my partner has not ever really seen me debilitatingly sick (they have for short tantrumy meltdowns, but they have no scope of how intrusive and irrational my thoughts are in even those short moments, all they see is me being unreasonable.)
So my partner has no real knowledge of my condition, or any tools proactive or reactive to cope and provide help with. So sharing with my partner (and many others) is a crushing experience at times.
Hence family therapy sessions. Before going forth to making change to involve those around you in helping, first ensure they are prepared to and are able to help, beyond simple intentions. Practical advice, not just talking in circles around 'you need to share, you can't get help if you don't share'. It's a two-way thing and it is perfectly reasonable and acceptable to expect not all the fault and pressure to rest on you :).

Welcome to the forums, x

[PattyK]

Hi Everyone, It's been a while since I've been on here. First I wanted to get some thoughts off my chest and let you know whats been going on. So in summary I did a hospital stay for 3.5 weeks and came out of it feeling improved just recently. My diet, sleep even felt better. So I went back to work and after the first week I was exhausted and starting getting the anxiety again. I've then had to do 2or 3 consec work weeks interstate and the isolation from family and my feelings with myself has been sending me downward spiralling. Anyway, last night I was out drinking and gambling trying to numb myself, and I came to a cross roads moment where I was either going to just go and get drunk and do god knows what, or go to the hospital to get myself into a safe environment. I jumped in the cab and went to Brissie hospital. It was good to talk to someone. Today however I've worken up and had to drive a long way home. On way way I despite better judgement I went out to source some drugs and now I'm high becuase I hate being with my myself. Hoping to get through all of this. Least i am chilling at the present. P

[Kurra]

Illegal substances aren't the bedt choice and will often exacerbate wjay you are already experiencing however if you seek help with this behavior you may well find that life's compilations it is often easier to follow the symptoms you're experiencing without illegal substances. Its probably wiser to approach your GP and or medical team to find better ways to handle certain difficulties. 🎶

[Former-Member]

Hi @PattyK. I'm new to the forum since your original posts so have read your story for the first time. I can relate in quite a few ways (similar cocktail of meds, PTSD, location, was working in an exec role in a blokey workplace though in my case in the female minority). I'm rearly sorry to know you've been riding the roller coaster and are close to bottoming out again. I guess the difference this time is that you have a lot more knowledge about how to pull yourself out of a tail spin. Is it possible for you to recall the strategies you put in place after your extended stay in the hospital and you were doing well? Maybe you have some recollections, resources, notes or something? It sounds like you need to substitute those for the less effective coping strategies that you've slipped back in to. The road to recovery can be a bumpy one, but the bumps do seem to get smaller over time and the recoveries progressively quicker and for longer. Your wise self know all that.

Another thought I had was that I wonder whether you're receiving counselling alongside the meds? I found that, as good as my psychiatrist is, she doesn't give me actual practical ideas about how to learn from my experiences and shift my behaviour patterns. Sometimes combining psychiatry with psychology (since the latter focus more on thoughts, behaviours, emotions etc than meds) can be a great recipe for success.

Oh - and well done on your successes, good judgement in getting yourself to the hospital last night and chilling now! Brilliant!