Battles

[Dreamy]

@MJG017 it really was way too many people and yes all those people wouldn't had noticed that I was missing, all except one. 

Yes when my heart plays up certain levels drop critically low so I get massive cramps in stupid places. I can sympathise with you on the leg cramps, they really are annoying to deal with. The periodic table of deficiencies sounds about right 😂. 

You got any plans for the day? 

[MJG017]

@Dreamy 

I said to someone recently, no idea who, that I've found there is a worse feeling of loneliness that being alone in a room, that is feeling alone in a room full of people.  It's really hits home when this happens.

Im up early, yes 9am counts as early, because I have a.adoptee support group meeting in the city later this morning.  I'm really not sure I want to go, as I don't really feel like I fit in there, but I decided to go and give it another chance.  But it may be my last

Do you have anything planned for today?

[Dreamy]

@MJG017 yes that's exactly right. Surrounded by so many people but feeling completely alone. It's a horrible feeling, like you are invisible and insignificant. 

Was going to say you are up early, i hope it goes well. If you don't want to go back then that's ok, you have at least given it a good chance. 

I got nothing on today, maybe I'll find the energy to build my Lego. Feeling very flat today, moods are all over the place at the moment so just trying to take it easy on myself. 

[MJG017]

@Dreamy 

It's one thing that I'm starting to learn.  To take it easy on myself and just take some time to myself when I feel like I might need it.

I forgot to say in the previous post (like I said, it was early 😁) I hope this one person appreciated how much you put aside to go yesterday.  I would have taken a lot of convincing!

[Dreamy]

@MJG017 yeah I'm not great at taking time for myself, I keep going until I just can't anymore. 

The only downside is that now you are up this early, you have so many hours to pass until bedtime 😂. Yes this one person appreciated it, thankfully it was a once off thing. I tried hard to get out of it but I didn't get a choice in the end. 

[MJG017]

@Dreamy 

I've always done the same thing.  I just kept going on regardless, because I knew I could.  But I got to a point were I was very close to just giving it all up, the forum, the study, even the support group I started to have reservations about.  I knew then that I needed a little break. And that there was nothing wrong with it.  People who cared about me would understand.  So I took it easy for a few days, eased myself back in... still easing, and I feel a lot better for it.  It is hard though when you spend so much time with just yourself as company!  The thought of taking a bit of 'me time' can feel like it's a punishment.  But it's more of just doing whatever you can to just minimize all the stress you can.  Which is not always easy, or even possible i know.

I remember when we had to be out on the other side of town for my partners cataract surgery at 6.30am!  It was 11am later than morning and I already felt like I had been up all day!  What the heck do people do with 16 odd hours of awake time every day?!  It's about 3.30pm right now and i'm already feeling like it's bed time.

[Dreamy]

@MJG017 I'm glad you didn't give everything up and took some time for yourself. Totally relate to it being hard and feels like a punishment. 

Yeah I don't know how people get through the days, it was 11am today and I was ready for a sleep. I'm exhausted now but I have to organise dinner and it's Tuesday night so routine gets broken. I'm really getting to a dangerous point again cos of everything that's happened, it just feels like everything is spiralling out of control. 

[Dreamy]

@rav3n @Ru-bee is anyone around to chat please? Having a bit of a moment here and just really don't want to sit alone with everything. 

[rav3n]

hey @Dreamy i'm pulling up my chair to join you. just read your recent post about spiralling, is there anything that would help slow down/divert that spiral? i'm here for you 💙

[Dreamy]

Thanks @rav3n, I'm trying hard to keep myself distracted. I'm not sure what else to try and do right now.