Hello everyone,
I apologize if my English is not perfect, but I am not a native speaker. I recently broke up with my girlfriend (we had been together for more than 10 years). Of course, I feel awful, but I don't want to talk about that or about how to cope.
I need to hear other people's opinions about my ex behavior because I really can't understand some things. It will take some time, so thank you in advance to anyone who will read this.
She suffers from depression. She had suicide thoughts in the past and sometimes she'd act in an unpredictable way: crying, irritability, out of scale reactions and so on. Two years ago she started to take anti-depressants and she was feeling better and more stable. However, a few months ago she stared to feel bad again: she'd cry for no reason, out of the blue, saying things like 'my life is awful, I hate my job, I hate where I live, I have no feelings for you'. After a while she'd calm down and apologize, crying and saying that she didn't know why she said such things. This went on for a while, we were (and are) living in two different cities and seeing every weekend. Every time we met, there was at least one episode, either a small one or a bigger one. One weekend she was supposed to come here, but she called me and told me she didn't want to see me. She said she needed time to understand what was going on and that she didn't want to lash out on me, hurt my feelings or jeopardize our relationship. I agreed to give her time, but I was not happy with the way she did that (last moment and over phone). She said she wanted to talk face to face and explain everything to me. She came to see me two weeks later. As soon as she arrived, she said that she understood that everything was because of the relationship, she didn't love me anymore and she wanted to break up. I didn't know what to say. After a few moments, we changed topic and she started to calm down. Her face changed, she started to smile, she touched my hand, hugged me. We spent a lovely evening, she made plans for the following weekends, we kissed on the way home, once in my place we had sex (she initiated it) and then we went to sleep.
The morning after she woke up and her mood was awful. She looked like an empty shell. After a few minutes she said she had not feelings for me and she wanted to break up. I couldn't not understand what was going on. I tried to calm down and I told her that she was not well. She agreed she needed to talk to someone and decided to leave. I told her that everything was okay, she didn't need to worry about the relationship, she just had to focus on getting help and feeling better. She left, she thanked me for my comprehension. After 30 minutes she called me. She was crying and asked me to come back. I agreed. She was crying, she looked exhausted. I took her home and she fell asleep on the sofa. After she woke up she started all over again. She said she had not feelings for me and wanted to break-up. I didn't know what to do, after a while I just went to sleep. The morning after she said the same things and at same point I asked her to leave. She left, then she even came back to make clear that the relationship was over. I was confused and exhausted.
A few hours later she called me from her place. She was crying and said that she was not feeling well and she did not want to talk about the relationship. She asked me to write down all the major episodes that happened in the last months as she wanted a psychiatrist to read them. I wrote everything down. She talked to a psychiatrist and he told her that she was fine, some minor psychological and relationship issues, or something like that. He also told her to stop the anti-depressants. I was speechless when she told me. I then decided to talk to another psychiatrist myself. I found a mood disorder expert and I booked an online appointment. In the meanwhile my girlfriend and I were talking through texts. She asked me about my summer plans and when I told her that I was going to make a trip we had talked about before, she told me that she wanted to come with me. She said she'd think about it and let me know. One day she called me and said she had made up her mind: she had booked the flight and she was coming too. I was cautious, but happy. We agreed to meet a few days before the departure, so two days later I went where she lives. Not more than a few hours after I arrived there, she told me she had already changed her mind. I stayed there a few more days and the pattern was always the same. In the morning she was very depressed and distant, in the evening she was a little bit better, even hugged me, kissed me and telling me she was happy I was there. I know something was wrong but I had to be strong and be by her side to help her get through this. The 4th day I was there I talked with the psychiatrist and he told me that my girlfriend had bipolar II. I told her to book an appointment with this psychiatrist and talked to him because she needed help. Two days later we woke up and she told me she didn't have feelings for me and that she didn't want to travel with me anymore. My heart was broken. I left.
A few hours later she called me while I was on the train back to where I live. She was crying and shouting, she said she was sick and she didn't know what was wrong with her. She asked me for time and space and said she wasn't ready to deal with the relationship. I told her everything was going to be alright, and I urged her to talk to the psychiatrist A few days later she did talk to him, but she said she didn't want to take the meds because the other psychiatrist told her that she didn't have bipolar and that psychotherapy was all she needed. I tried to tell her that the meds this new psychiatrist wanted to give her (mood stabilizers) would help her, but she refused to take them. I left for my trip and she'd text me every 3/4 days and asked me how things were going. After I came back, she sent me a text reminding me about a music festival held where she lives we had talked about. She did not say anything more, she didn't ask me directly to meet. After what happened the last time I saw her, I could not tell her I'd go. I did not trust her. In addition to this, I felt she had to be more straightforward instead of using the event as an excuse. Do you want to see me? Ok, you need to tell me you want to see me. She didn't. She texted me again a few days later talking about how I was doing. I got pissed. 40 days had passed since the last time we saw each other. She had asked me for time and space but she was sending me texts two times a week, mostly about nothing. It felt like breadcrumbing, so I called her and I asked her if she wanted to see me. She said no, she said nothing had changed. I was really mad as I felt she was playing with me and she had to be more respectful. At the same time, I was worried too for her mental health.
After that call she stopped texting me. Six weeks passed without any contact. Officially we were on a break, but everything was really confused. I resisted the urge to contact her because I felt she had to do it. She eventually reached out. We talked randomly for a while, then I asked her how she was feeling and she told me she was better. I told her that communication had been difficult for me before because we used to text, but she never told me anything about how she was feeling or about us. She told me she was sorry, then she added she thought the situation was clear since the last time we met, implying we had already broken up. I couldn't believe it. I was furious. After a while she told me she wanted to talk. She called me and said she didn't know why she said we had broken up. She said she was sorry for how she handled things and that she contacted me because she wanted to see me. She told me she was feeling better, but she was afraid because she didn't feel stable and she didn't know how the following days she would feel and how she would feel seeing me. I tried to calm her down and told her there was no rush. I told her I was okay and that she had all the time she needed. We talked almost two hours and it felt great. She told me she wanted to talk with her psychiatrist one or two more times before seeing me and that she'd let me know. I agreed. I did not trust her completely, but I knew that the only way to see how she was and to help her get help was seeing her.
She called me two weeks later and out of the blue she told me once again she didn't want to see me. I couldn't handle it anymore. I told her she needed to get help, she told me I wanted to manipulate her telling her she is sick. She said she wanted to break-up, she told me that she had been sick because she was falling out of love and that psychotherapy was what she needed, she didn't need meds. Two days later she sent me a text apologizing for how she handled things, she said it was because she is confused and doesn't know what she wants. She said it's not fair to keep me hanging and the break up it's the best decision, even though she is not sure about it and it could be the wrong call. I replied two days later telling her that confusion cannot explain what she did in the last few months. I told her again that she needs helps, that I cannot pretend I didn't see the way she behaved and her moods. I also told her that I would do anything to help her live a life without depression, agitation, anxiety, irritability and so on, but she was the only person that can give herself that life. She never replied. This was one week ago.
What I struggle the most, besides losing my life companion and best friend and worrying about her mental health, is that I am not even sure about what's normal and what is not. Is her behavior sign she is not well? Or is it just "falling out of love" as she said?
What do you think?
