Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[sharona]

My nickname used to be bouncy,mainly because of being full of life and love. Now,I have gradually list my passion for anything. Yesterday..the last text message I saw was ' why don't you have any proper knives in this house?' (you can guess why) and today when I got home from work,a bit late because I was too exhausted to face the journey and I knew what I would have to face at home,I just missed a call and cautiously checked his room to see if it might have been him.A shadow of a body in the bed and his voice says only.."I don't want to talk.". Yip,I'm home. Clothes in the loungeroom and unclosed packets everywhere. I collapse exhausted from being falsely positive for everyone at work all day. Collapse on my bed too tired to eat. At some point my son goes to the bathroom and opens the door to say,What's the point of ever saying anything to you ever again?What can change?, said with such agony and pain.Door shuts before I find a response. Of course, after years of living with this, and losing the capacity to do anymore hung but work and deal with this,I am showing signs that aI would describe as depression I some one else. It seems to be catchy. But I am not allowed to da I am depressed,because apparently,I have no idea what That realm is. However,I have left st the joy of life and I think about my own suicide,just think,more and more often.It's kind of natural if you're only child is a mess and there's nothing I seem capable of doing to help. The blame ( direct and indirect) is getting to me. My last friend (meaning person who would listen or respond when my son was suicidal around me)seems to have decided to ignore all such messages. She only answers when I send something trivial about weather or gossip. My mother didn't respond to an email I sent,even though I rarely mention the situation,in a heavy way. So, there is no one left that I can be in any way honest about my real life. Thwy have happy lves and dont want to hear my unhappy reality.

[CherryBomb]

Hi @sharona

When you spend so much time caring for someone else, it can be extemely exhausting, and can have huge impacts on your mental health. It sounds like you're feeling quite isolated and unsupported. Caring for someone who has a MI is a huge load to carry on your own. It's not uncommon for friends and family to avoid talking about mental illness. Sometimes they feel uncomfortable, sometimes they feel drained, other times they feel helpless. But this doesn't mean that there's no one else. There are professionals and other people (like on here) that can provide support.

I'm quite concerned that you're thinking about suicide. Can you please let me know if you are safe today/tonight? Remember, that you don't need to go through this alone, and if you feel like things are getting overwhelming there are people that you can speak to now:

Lifeline 13 11 14
Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467
If in immediate danger: 000

If you are not at immediate risk, you might connecting find with services like ARAFMI helpful. Tthey provide support to carers). In addition, there's also GROW, which runs face to face support groups.

I wonder if some of other forum member that are parents can relate to feeling depressed @Louise @Camelia @Augusta8 @peppy?

Stay safe,

CB

[Louise]

Sorry to hear about all the sadness. I too have often felt unable to share my reality for fear of making others feel uncomfortable . Keep posting on here and also get in touch with Carers Australia. They can give you a free health and well being check to see what kind of support you need. They offer free counseling and peer support groups, so you wouldn't feel so . I hope you will be feeling much better soon

[-karma-]

Hello @sharona

I also hear sheer exhaustion

I want to answer your question, is depression catchy?

Interestingly enough studies have found that those that are born into families with a person with depression are more likely to suffer depression than the general population, and also those living with someone with depression is also at greater risk than the general population of suffering from depression.

So both nature, (genes) and nurture, (environment) are contributing factors.

So it's quiet possible that you are suffering from depression, the ongoing nature, feelings of not being able to assist, lack of support are all contributing factors. A trip to your GP?

I think depression can be like grief, it can be difficult for others to be around, and others may feel confronted by it. I once heard the analogy about grief, which I feel applies here, is that you have to choose who you're going to sail with. If there are those that sink your boat, you're not going to invite them to sail with you. Opposingly, if there are others that put wind behind your sails, then they're keepers. You don't have to be a sailor to pick up the symbolism.

I also hear that your one friend is not responding, hurtful, but my experience tells me you need a collection of people to call on, so that you can request support without asking the same person all the time.

I missed how old your son is, or what state you are in, but I'd really like to recommend some support to you as a carer, and even the possibility of some respite away from the situation, (if at all possible) for a night or 2 to collect your thoughts, and attempt to re fill your basket. Would you consider that?

In Victoria Mind has a respite facility available, as does EACH, and in NSW there's Afarami who support carers. Happy to link you further if you'd like?

I'd love to see your user name renamed 'bouncy'

[hopeandsupport]

i think the depression creeps up on you.  you look back and remember the 'happy carefree' person.  and then you remember in the past few years you have lost your father, your mother, and then you daughter relapses and you wonder why you are depressed.  sometimes life really tests you.  but because it's your child you will hurt yourself. unfortunately you can only do it for so long and then you have to say 'enough'.  it's someone else's turn because guess why 'they are not getting better under your care alone'.  my health has deteriorated considerably during the last few years,having cared for my mother and now my daughter.  but i don't want to die, so i keep going to the doctor to have checks (she must be getting sick of me) but that is another connection that is essential to you so that you make sure you are ok.  and it sounds like your son is trying to hurt you, but you have to stop feeling guilty and look after yourself.  my daughter is getting better.  i have a fairly strong support group of people that i can turn to.  my daughter is even telling me she needs her own space!  whoohoo.  what i wouldn't do for that, i need my own space too! 

[Cazzie]

Hi @sharona, I feel your pain. I find myself shining to levels of depression that, once upon a time, I didn't believe existed let alone possible for me.
My husband has suffered from PTSD for over a decade. I usually manage to pull him out of a depression just on time to fall into one myself - at which point I'm told to lift my game and snap out of it because I've got nothing to be upset about. Yeah! Right!!!
Always reserved I was nonetheless a happy person, well able to tackle the adventures of life, live and family. Now, as my husband's full-time (although un -needed, according to him) carer I am increasingly finding it impossible to cope with mundane chores like laundry or grocery shopping.
On the subject of having nobody in whom you can confide though, Lifeline and Beyond Blue are excellent. If you are rural check out Anglicare. They have wonderful counselors who listen without judging and help you with coping mechanisms. Having gone it alone for 12 years I can't speak highly enough of them.

[Kiera80]

Hi @sharona

I've been there myself and I'm still dealing with the fallout of living with someone with a MI.  I vaguely remember the person I used to be.  I was happy, always in control, had everything together, could always deal with problems, was never sad or angry unless there was good reason, never had a reason to question anything.

These days I'm lucky if I can get through one day without feeling the opposite of the above.

Thanks to what I went through I now have PTSD and anxiety and it absolutely sucks.  I hate living like this.  I got to a point where I really was thinking about ending it all. I felt so much peace with those thoughts.  That's how bad things were.  Rock bottom.

I keep thinking there must be a really good reason why I'm going through all this.  Somehow this experience is going to serve me down the track somewhere.  I get mad with myself quite often because I'm letting everything get the better of me.  A lot of the time I feel down and defeated.  Every day I need to put on a brave face so I don't look like I'm falling apart.  Sometimes I get the courage to stand up to the anxiety and I imagine myself in a boxing ring with the gloves on, ready to fight it off at every turn. 

I lost one of my dogs towards the end of last year and I find myself still crying and grieving over that.  It doesn't take much to upset me these days.   I've had nights where I just cry myself to sleep because I'm so exhausted and I've just had enough.

To top it all off I've had several anxiety attacks which is just a whole lot of fun - not!

I have been to see a naturopath who is helping me try to stabilise my system overall and it's been good so far.  There are always so many things going on with the body when you feel like crap every day that I think it's good to make sure you look after your physical well being as well as your mental well being.  I've been getting counselling sessions.  I've had massages.  I downloaded a great hypnotherapy session for anxiety.  I have several apps on my phone and tablet for practicing mindfulness as well as some nice chill out ones that have the sound of rain and thunder which I love listening to.  I drink chamomile and an anxiety blend tea several times a day.  I have to remind myself to slow down all the time.  I practice proper breathing techniques.

Will I ever get back to being who I was?  I have no idea.  The word 'normal' seems so foreign to me at the moment.  I will keep doing what I'm doing in the hope that I can get better.  I am exploring every option I can think of to help.

Just remember that there are so many people out there who do care.  The forums here are fantastic when you need some help.  There are some good professional services available as well.  Don't be afraid to reach out when you need to.  I find it helps me to know that I'm not the only one who has gone through this or is right now going through the same things and feeling the same things as me.

Nobody would expect that you could handle this on your own and you shouldn't think you have to either. 

[Linmerc]

Hi Kiera80

I have just read your post and I hear you.

You are certainly doing all the proper things to feel better (massages, camomile teas etc). I feel that if your 'headspace' is not in the right place all that you are doing is in vain. I flatly refuse this dark visitor to visit me and bring me down to a bad and sad place and believe me, he has wanted to visit often.

I have no more tears to shed over my circumstance with MI and I am sick of having red, puffy eyes with blotchy skin because of crying. I refuse to go there anymore. Yes, crying can be healthy but I have reached a point where it is not. I am still a work-in-progress but I know that I don't like this dark visitor and I cut his visits short. Unfortunately, he tries to visit often but I cut him off at the front door.

I also had to put to sleep my little girl (cat) after 20 years due to kidney failure. I still miss her terribly and think of her often but I remember only the good times of how she made me feel when we were snuggled up in bed and her LOUD purring. Losing a hairy friend can be hard but try to remember the love they gave you when you had a crap day or looked like crap and they still gave you a wet sloppy kiss. They loved you unconditionally.

Try to find your old happy self because you obviously miss her. I wish it were as easy as picking up a phone to reacquaint with an old friend, but it's not, it's hard, constant work. Yes, I have had dark days but I won't give in or give up.

Please remember 'you alone can to do this, but you can't do it alone'.

Stay strong

[MIFANTCARER]

Can I just say thank you for being so honest and sharing.

I can connect with your story. I understand the feeling of being fake, friendly and in control at work to walk in the door at home and head straight for the bedroom or hiding place

That feeling of being somewhat unheard or at times guilty because no way could I need help or get any understanding from the person I care for or other family members / friends.

People only really wanting to see the bubbly happy me never the call out for help or need for understanding and support me.

I hate the loneliness, isollation, exhaustion but I was always to strong to admit that I needed help.

But it isn't strength it is fear.

I am concerned though that you are contemplating suicide, I am worried at how much of a plan you have created?

Please call lifeline on 13 11 14, please see you GP and look at the possibilities of medication and counselling.

Please call a Carers organisation, or other groups like Grow or Mental Illness fellowship and see if there are any support groups in your area.

Please keep reaching out, depression is not contagious It is a reality and it happens.

Stay with this forum, we are happy to hear more stories and help when we can.

[Former-Member]

Hi sharona,
I think this might be my first response on this forum. I ran out of coping ability a couple of years ago trying to be the"strong" one of the family. I did CBT to help me learn new coping abilities. My partner scoffed at the idea that I might be depressed. You need support to cope.