Lived Experience Forum

[sol_49]

Hello,

I have always used the written word to process my thoughts and feelings. Back when the internet became a thing I started blogging. A couple of years later, I was in a pretty precarious place mentally and had a chaotic and messy kind of interlude with some guy I had a crush on. I let him overhear me say that I was active on a specific blogging site online, and soon after that, I picked up a follower on my blog. The thing was that this person didn't seem to want to engage with me in the real world, and later left the town we lived in.

The blogging continued for quite several years. It helped me to grow out of some pretty toxic mental health behaviours. I then moved to the city and after a little while in a more healthy social environment felt that this 'follower' was a toxic kind of connection. I became increasingly frustrated that I could not engage with them emotionally, and it felt like I was throwing my heart into the abyss. I was finally able to cut them off. I continued blogging occasionally, but I was no longer aware of their attention.

Last year they came back again, and I was so excited for the attention. I felt 'seen' like someone cared about my world and the attention was intoxicating. We had some fun, and this was complicated with another crush I had on someone else. It has been about six months since they came back, and I have expressed some dissatisfaction with continuing this connection online for more years. Then they started hitting on a post I had written about a particular annual event over the long weekend, and I think they want me to come to their town and attend the event.

The problem is that I feel like if they don't value me enough to pick up the phone or send me a message, then why should I make the trip (it is hundreds of km away)? I am keen to bring the connection to some kind of head, but to be honest, even though I think I am talking to a particular person, I have no idea who this person is. And my spidey sense gets activated sometimes. 

I feel like they have been very kind to me online these past six months, supporting me when I am upset or feel down, and so attentive. But I am not sure if I should make the trip to the event, or if I should even continue talking to them online.

I have read several books about these types of relationships that are by their very nature 'unavailable' and 'virtual', and it seems that they can be quite toxic, but I am not just not sure how to proceed at this point.

The connection gives me big positive feelings and it makes me so happy a lot of the time. Admittedly, I am addicted to the notifications that let me know they have visited my pages. I know it sounds pathetic, but I think in this new world of social media etc I don't think I am the only one who has succumbed to an addiction to notifications.

The reader is across all my blogs (I write on numerous different topics) and it is hard to imagine that I should stop blogging completely just to be rid of them (I enjoy it immensely), but they definitely 'press my buttons' and I am not sure it is good for me.

Do you have any ideas or thoughts about how I could manage this?

Thank you!

🙂

[tyme]

Hey @sol_49 ,

Thanks for sharing! Welcome to the world of online text-based conversation. It can be tricky sometimes to get a clear understanding of what either party wants.

I'm glad to hear you have found blogging so helpful in helping you navigate some tricky situations in terms of your mental health. It sounds like it's been an important part of your recovery.

As for your question about the virtual world vs the real world, for me, I feel it's about what your aim, goals and boundaries are for when your blogging. Is it that you want to start a relationship? Is it purely for you to vent what's in you for your own mental health? Is it for the purpose of entertaining others? Only you can answer this.

Each situation is different. However, once you establish your purpose in blogging and using these social media platforms, you have more insight into what you want to get out of it including the boundaries you want to adhere to in order to protect yourself.

Sorry for the blah.. am I even making sense??? Sorry if I'm not.

[sol_49]

Hi @tyme 

Thanks so much for your reply. Yes, you are making perfect sense.

I think the main purpose of my blogging is to connect. I usually do it because I want to reach out to this person (and others). The secondary aim is to provide a written record (for myself) of the timeline of my life (cultural events I visited, emotional development etc). I love looking back on this after years have passed to see what I was doing in any given year and to see how much I have grown. A third aim is to use the written word to problem solve and workshop my thoughts and feelings. (I usually do that in private posts though).

I agree that it is helpful to articulate the deeper reasons why I am doing this. I am just a little confused about the boundaries I might need to protect myself.

I think it is true that the only person I can control is myself, but I am not sure how to manage this connection.

Thank you!

Sol

[tyme]

I hear your main goal is to 'connect'. That's certainly an important aspect to even why I'm utilising these forums here 🙂

When it comes to boundary-setting, what do you mean by 'connect'? It is to have someone to chat to? Or is it that you are looking for something more e.g. developing a relationship outside the platform? By reflecting on these questions, you will be able to better define boundaries you can set. If it is just to connect with people online, then your boundaries are crossed if they decide to come visit you or you visit them. However, if your long term goal is to connect to the point of forming a relationship outside the platform, then boundaries look a lot more different. You may start off with an online face to face chat, then consider talking on the phone, then consider meeting at a neutral place, then if things go further, so be it.

Have a think about your goals of connecting first. Hopefully it will give you some clarity. 

Please look after yourself. You have made so much progress in terms of your mental health. The last thing you want is for things to turn into... mush?

[sol_49]

Thanks @tyme !! I don't know why I didn't see your reply in January.

My psychologist has recommended graduated steps too, just like you were. I think I will approach it like that when we get to that point.

And yes, , , things have been getting 'mushy' in my mental health lately. It is not the best at all!

I hope you are doing well and thanks again for your reply! 🙂

Sol