Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Ava]

Hi,

I'm not a carer but my depression is affecting the people around me.  I live with my father who's in his 60s and I can tell that he feels helpless, and because my method of coping is isolation he's lonely.  I see signs that my negative attitudes and neglect for self care are "contagious" and I've already dragged down two previous partners so I know what it can do.  I really don't want that to happen to my dad.  My mother who lives alone overseas is also suffering from some level of depression because she blames herself for my mental health.  But obviously they don't talk about these things with me because they have to tread on eggshells around me.

I couldn't find anything helpful through google but came across this forum so thought I would ask what kind of things I can do.  I know a good start would be to show them the Black Dog book for carers and to show this website, but I'm a little embarrassed.  

Is there anything a bit more subtle that I can do to prevent my parents from catching my depression?

Thank you for any advice 🙂

[Special_k]

Hi @Ava

Welcome to the forums. I'm glad you found us. you've made such a positive step today. I'm Special_K one of the moderators here. I note that you have posted in the carer's forum; you may also like to access our lived experience forum by clicking Here.It's great to see you reaching out for some help and this is a safe, supportive place to do so.

Please everyone, welcome Ava.

[Ava]

Thank you Special_k 🙂

I understand this is the carers forum, I was just hoping to get some input from your perspective, as a carer, how do you manage to not get sucked into your loved ones' negative state of mind?  How do you keep a sense of "self"?  And if your mentally ill loved one thought they noticed signs that you're starting to get sucked in, would you want them to tell you?  If so how?

Thanks again for any help 🙂

[Durango]

Hi Ava,

Welcome to the forum. I recommend having a look at the resources available on the Beyond Blue website. The other way that you can help your parents is to take care of your self. Nothing gives as much relief to a carer than seeing someone they care for make progress, however small. It's really thoughtful of you to be thinking about how you can help your parents.

Take care,

Durango.

[Eagle]

Hi @Ava

What a wonderful caring person you are. I can tell your concern for your loved ones.

If you can communicate with your father how you're going, that will be really useful. Sometimes the anxiety carers feel is when they don't know what's going on for the person they care for. Communication is key. Sharing when you're not feeling okay, or letting him know that you're not feeling okay, but you're safe - it won't take away the feeling of helplessness, but it may help take away some anxiety.

That's not to say you should lie - you should never say you're okay, if you're not.

You seem to be really self aware of how you manage your depression. May I ask if you're seeing a health care professional (ie: GP, Psychologist etc). There's definately a peace of mind that comes knowing the person you care for is participating in treatment.

If you are seeking treatment, it could be helpful (if you're comfortable) to take him along to an appointment. Involving him in your treatment could also be beneficial and reduce the sense of helplessness.

Something that I read a lot here in the carers forum is that you can only control yourself and no one else and I would say the same to you. It's lovely and understandable that you are concerned for your father.

Keep getting informed, share it with your dad and that, in itself, is showing a lot of love.

There are a lot of services out there specifically for carers. Some include -

ARAFMI (google it, as there's a different one in each state)

Carers Australia (again - there's one in each state)

Mind Australia

There are support groups for carers, respite opportunities and information.

Finally (sorry this is long!) I just want to reiterate how caring and supportive you seem to be. Your father is lucky to have you as a daughter. This isn't your fault and you are not responsible for your fathers happiness or saddness.

Feel free to also jump into the Lived Experience forum to connect with others - whether it be to discuss your experiences with depression or to discuss what you have asked us in the carers forum. There are many people in the LE forum who have carers aswell and they may have some additional insight.

Take care

[hopeandsupport]

Hi Ava

It sounds like you need more support which will lift your spirits and in turn hopefully if your father can see your demeanour changing he might feel a little better too.  I know it's difficult to see the bright side, but you must concentrate on your own happiness.  I have struggled to not get depressed caring for my daughter who has schizophrenia, but now that she is stable I am able to do more of the things that make me happy and still be there for her.  It really is a balancing act, but all I can say is don't feel guilty about your parents either, you have your whole life ahead of you, take charge of your own life.  You can advise your father and make suggestions but in the end it is up to him. Another thing,  I once saw a story on TV about a farmer who was depressed because of losing his farm and his life's work etc.  He turned it around  by setting up a charity to help other farmers.  I think this is a good way to forget about your own problems too, just to help others.

[Acacia]

Hi Ava,

Welcome to the Forums and thank you for raising this topic. I imagine it’s something that comes up a lot for those who give or receive care from a family member.

I agree with @hopeandsupport and @Eagle that communicating with your father and looking after yourself are both so important.

It would be great to hear how carers on the Forums feel about discussing their mental health with the person they care for. Is this something that’s easy to talk about? Do you find that support can work both ways? Or do you feel like you need to put on a brave face for your loved one, even if you’re struggling?

@Ava, I believe @Former-Member , @tfishface , @pjc11, @Linmerc and @MIFANTCARER all care for family members or partners. Perhaps their earlier posts will have some useful insights for you.

Thank you again for your contribution. I look forward to seeing more of you on the Forums.

Acacia

[Former-Member]

Hi @Ava,

It is good that you care for your father and do not want him to be brought down by your depression. I know it can be difficult for depressed people to do the necessary things for their own well being let alone someone elses. First up though I would question if you are taking on too much responsibility for how your father is feeling. It is possible that he has his own struggles with depression. There can be a family history of mental health issues the same as other chronic conditions. Someone your father's aged may have learned other ways of coping enough to get along. The other thing is as has already been mentioned your father is at an age when he is either approaching or has already reached retirement. This is a time of adjustment and reflecting on life.

If your father does not have a lot of knowledge about depression it would be helpful to give him some information. It would be helpful for both of you to have an understanding that depression is something that can be recovered from and lived with. There are numerous stories of people who have done this and been high achievers as well.

As you both have a problem of isolating maybe you could think about one thing to do each week as a shared outing such as going to a movie or for a bingo game at your local club. Something that gets you both out amongst people without requiring too much interaction.

Pets can be helpful for getting someone out and about and active. Having a dog will get someone out of the house for a walk each day with the possibility of getting to know more people in the neighbourhood. If you live in a city you could also consider off the leash parks. Although it is worth remembering if your father is not a dog person you could end up being the one who needs to look after it and so it would need to be something he really wanted.

I think volunteering has already been mentioned. There are myriad opportunities depending on what your father is good at. The first one that came to mind when I read your post was Mens Shed.

The most important thing to remember though is to take care of yourself and get the help you need so that you are caring for yourself and not isolating.

Cheers,

Carer101 

[MIFANTCARER]

Welcome!!!

Love this question, thank you for asking it 🙂

As a Carer I have to first look after myself. Go for walks, go out with friends, and eat regularly and well.

I also seek support from support groups and assistance from carer services like Mental illness fellowships Australia NT. (You will have a services that suit your area)

I practise mindfulness which also helps, you can google this, there are loads of resources on the internet.

I take a break, get out of the house and find a balance to living independently.

HOWEVER I also do activities with him.

We go for lunch together, see a movie together, go for a walk together, have a cuppa tea and see old friends together.

This is also key to a healthy relationship because we are working together to create a wellness in both our lives and as a carer you do feel like you are failing if you are not in some way helping the person you are caring for feel a little better.

I would suggest to your Dad to join a social group or start a hobby. Look at joining a support group or service in your local area (they often hold free fun activities for carers) and ensure that he does things for himself and lives his own life, but I encourage you to do the same.

Communication and conversation are key in having a healthy understanding relationship and working together will help create a strong happier future.

I hope this has helped.

Good luck!!!