Lived Experience Forum

[Appleblossom]

@Mazarita

Different situations that we grow up with have different pluses and things that are tough.  I was an only child for 2 years, between 8 and 10  That 2 years was with both parents and very stabilising for me, its my GOTO when I need a happy place.  

Maybe I am mad but I am sick of the career thing.  I was career focussed enough when young, but mostly I just want to understand, what was "it" all about. It seemed too difficult to break back into the workforce, and I dont like consumerist life-styles anyway.  I have plenty of security now, eat well, dress ok, see the odd movie.  I dont need more and more.

I know too many people who are not happy and put others down to justify themselves, their lives etc.

Many things I want, money cant buy and I knew that very young.

I have decided to fight back on the "what do you do" socialising front. Not having lots of "success" yet but am finding highly creative people I like to be with and helps heaps. I am productive in my own way.

[Mazarita]

@Appleblossom,

I can see how your time as an only child might be a a good memory, especially after institutionalisation. As an only child, there was indeed a strong sentimental feeling that I was loved by both my parents. However, our little family unit was very troubled with violence, alcohol, gambling, poverty, neglect. The emotional ground tone tended to alternate between blank misery and fearful chaos. The regular fights were hard without brothers or sisters to turn to for mutual support. My parents split up several times and Mum was effectively a single parent then, which brought it's own problems with being left alone, sometimes overnight during night shifts, which made me very afraid. I was socially withdrawn, very anxious around my peers and often stayed at home from school. I remember being depressed, alone and feeling unwell a great deal of the time from an early age, and this has continued throughout a lot of my life.

When I have been more engaged in socialising, I've often sought out creative people as friends. I've also mostly identified as an artist throughout my life regardless of what job I might have been trying to do to pay the rent at the time. I have social problems, even with artists, but I do appreciate the 'weirdos' as my best life companions. 🙂

[Appleblossom]

@Mazarita

Thanks for your lovely post. Which city do you live in?

I have been aware of the pain growing up as a single child for a long time.

I have only recently started to think of my self as an artsy person...

Lines demarcating boundaries between individuals are always tricky long term if people are honest. Whether they are in the arts, science boffins, business types, families or social workers.  Thats my bottom line hehe.

Yes I have always been pretty comfortable with weirdos, though now through work and my skillset have mixed with many types of people too. 

[Mazarita]

@Appleblossom,

I've lived in a few different places, rural and city, Melbourne for most of my life, and now Gold Coast for many years. Where are you?

'Renaissance Woman' is a lovely description. Your story is very interesting. I sometimes like to call myself a 'highly self-educated' person, having dropped out of uni early on due to mental and physical health problems (I also have Crohns Disease). Because of some subsequent recognition as a creative practitioner, I was nonetheless able to teach sessional classes and guest lectures in TAFEs and universities for some time (until that became too difficult health-wise too). I can't draw to save myself either. I use the term 'artist' in the broadest way to embrace any kind of creative practice really.

Perhaps the thing that has most attracted me to artists and fellow 'weirdos' is a greater tolerance of difference that seems to come with the territory. As someone with long lasting difficulties with regular work, I feel less judged in this context and able to offer the same openness to difference in return. Just at the moment, while I'm not engaged in any artistic practice, I feel I have lost even that avenue of engagement with fellow artists. This is partly because, along with my desire to create, I've also lost the desire to engage much with other peoples' projects. Basically I feel fairly disillusioned with everything. That's depression talking but it is a strong feeling I have and hard to move past just now.

Thanks for the exchanges, I'm really enjoying 'talking' with you.

[Appleblossom]

@Mazarita

Yes I am enjoying our conversation too. 

Scientists use often intuition and creativity in an artsy manner. I used to have far more in my life but as I did not follow it through at uni, I am just left with having sympathy for them and being able to talk a bit about it. Just as I have sympathy for MI sufferers.

Life can be a shit sometimes, my son taught me the limits of cheer up smileys, it is more real to admit when things suck.  I am learning to talk bogan late in life, just to fit in nicely.

Sorry you are stuck at moment. Its important to find ways to connect.  I am going out now for a sectional rehearsal.

[Mazarita]

@Appleblossom,

Hope your rehearsal went well. Great that you have found an interesting mix of science and creativity in your life - your experiences and perspectives are rich in a way that means more than the accumulation of money.

I like cheer up smileys as far as they go. Even more, I appreciate a laugh. But, yes, being real is good when you can get it. It's one of the reasons I like this forum. It seems a place where we can speak with less facade about things that are much harder to express elsewhere.

Yes I've been stuck for quite a while. But my current state is improved from where I was a year ago and I feel hopeful for some continued overall improvement, day by day.

[Appleblossom]

@Mazarita

Sectional was good, thanks. We are doing great music and they are all professionals yet not getting overly paid for this aspect of their time. Its cultural. Australia does not have the infrastructure or the audiences that Europe and the US can muster. A pity, but I am getting used to it.

I am not a very jealous person. Possibly cos I was used to the person next to me being hard up too, whether they were blood related or not.

Yes I try to focus on the riches that have been in my life, but it does not mean I am a naive fool, yes money is a fact of life but only one fact among very many.

I did not laugh very much during my first few decades and thought I did not possess a sense of humour, but I finally found that too.  Hooray. But being lectured that laughter is the best medicine is not the way .. sometimes it is the darker humour that I see by the MI sufferers on this site that resonate for me.

[Appleblossom]

@CherryBombhas started to show interest in the idea of Mad Pride.  I think it has a lot of value for a forum like this.

I do share ideas and personal experience.

[Neb]

I was surprised when I moved here how uncomfortable people were about mental illness....I reassured those I met it was not contagious. The use of euphemisms are common...and I asked a friend not to refer to her loony cousin as the loony cousin ALL the time. 

I don't think I would be keen on mad PRIDE as such, but it is just another bloody thing that some folk get to have to deal with. 

[Appleblossom]

Thanks for your response @Neb.  A steady self respect is probably a better way to go than PRIDE.

Its a subtle line to walk isnt it ,,, remembering issues of hubris and the tendency of delusions of grandeur and denial can be part of mi and the human consition generally.

Good on you for putting up with stigmatising talk SOME of the time .. and being tolerant .. and not over-reacting to other people's ignorance .. but still making a stand that you dont want to hear insult ALL of the time.

Change and growth in social awareness is slow.

I only posted this thread to start the conversation ... I am not mad keen on PRIDE marches as such ... but still appreciate activitists' work and advocacy.