Lived Experience Forum

[saltandpepper]

Aw @MDT you've got so much going on in that head of yours, I'm sorry there's so much confusion here for you. It's not easy spending childhood being taught to think and believe one thing, only to later on in adult life realise that is either not true or doesn't align with your views.

Religion and sex are just two words that I don't like to put in the same sentence. I went to a catholic school for a little bit there, thankfully none of the religious shit stayed with me. However, I inherited some very fu*ked up views on sex and life in general from my insane mother. I still struggle with that. So I can imagine the difficulties you face in trying to challenge the religious ideals around sex. I guess take from it what you are comfortable with and still find helpful and then leave the rest in the past.

I know you said you don't want to delve, but I want to ask about what you've said here: "I had to speak a lot to an older church elder about this topic". This alarms me. Can you give me a bit more context here?

I mean as far as the fear surrounding being strung up for a harassment charge, I think you're safe. You're not an asshole. My past experience with this is that chemistry happens, there's no reading for clues, no second guessing, something just happens and you both are just wanting the same thing. If you feel like you need to hunt for clues then maybe it's not there, just a guess based on my own experiences here.

I get what you're saying about how easy it is for the wrong allegation to send someone's life down the toilet. But, I'm a little biased here I guess. I wish it was easier for people to come forward. I wish more people were held accountable for the atrocities they commit. I want more people to come forward. I want people to listen when someone does come forward. Things happened to me, at different stages of life, and not one person has been held accountable for it. Red flags were ignored, signs were missed, so yeah, I'm biased here I guess. And the ugly truth of it is because nothing has happened to hold people accountable, it is most likely still going on today.

With regards to female friendships, yeah I wouldn't personally try and build a romantic relationship from an established friendship. It's messy. And again, I think when you meet someone there's chemistry from the start if there's more than friendship there.

But, as I said I've been in a relationship for a long time, and I'm sure it's all changed since I last dated. And look, if whatever is happening with your mate and that girl doesn't sit well, either take a step back from it, or talk to the girl. You don't have to play games if you don't want to. Meeting dates from an app is something that's new since I last dated. I'm not sure I'd ever go down that road. Would much prefer to meet someone at a pub or something.

But you know Hams, I think dating is always tricky business for anyone really. And I don't know where you stand here, if you're looking for a chick to marry and have kids with--but say that's your life long plan, it doesn't mean the next girl you meet has to be that girl.

I don't know if anything I've said here is helpful, but I'll always try to help where I can and just let me know if you ever needa chat

[MDT]

Thanks for your openness @saltandpepper

In terms of the religious influence and the elder I spoke with - I was never abused so I need to clear that one up. I think however I placed too much emphasis on the relationship I had with him as a mentor. At that stage in a young man's life certain things change in your body. So that was something to deal with in itself, but I also think having the religious influence about what was right and wrong was not helpful either. I mean at that time I was religious so I guess I saw it as truth and what was right. Like for example we are taught that being gay is wrong and sex outside marriage is wrong etc. All that stuff would play on my mind a lot. Its all about control in my opinion. That's all they want.

Go from that to an environment where everything is sexaulised, where everything is about sex. Its like one extreme to the next. Especially at the age of 18 and 19.

I guess in my early 20s it was all about living my life away from all that. Making my own choices. Going on my own journey. Understanding myself and these things.

As far as I am concerned now. In my world at the moment my focus is work and study and figuring out that stuff. I'll go back into dating later I think. Maybe a month from now. But ill feel more free I think. As I'll be going on a better path forward and therefore feel better about myself generally.

I think at that stage I can be better with myself and my chances

Yeah I'll text my friend tomorrow and see what happened. I didn't want to today because I wanted to focus on literally anything else. Otherwise I'd obsess. Maybe it went well or maybe it didn't.. I just need more information to clarify the messages I got from them both. Whether what they sent was jokes or real or what... I have no idea.
It is what it is my friend.

But its all a process and I think a lot of that stuff in my mind is being figured out. So that's good.

Anyway my friend. Off to work tomorrow. A new place but apparently its very nice. I got an email from the manger welcoming me and explaining the lay of the land. It was very nice of them to do that. Small things count.

Off to bed.

[saltandpepper]

You starting your new job tomorrow? It hasn't been three weeks yet has it?

@MDT It's rough, everything we learn as kids really has such an impact. But you know, despite that influence you had, you're looking back on it and questioning it all. And, from what I've seen around the forums you're a very thoughtful person. Always taking it all in and thinking on it. I'm just not sure a lot of people are like that. I admire that about you.

You know, I'm not sure you need to put dating or sex on hold to figure out where your head is at with all the religious stuff. And in fact having those experiences will probably help to clarify things in your mind.

Yeah, I mean I had a culture shock going from primary to high school--not the same thing as going from the religious bubble to the dark side. I mean I partied a lot back when I was 18, and sex was a pretty normal component of life at that age. I guess it wasn't really seen as a big deal to a lot of people, friends would hook up and the next day be like nothing had happened. With all my hang ups here I was still like that too. But I see sex differently now than I did back then. I think it can mean different things at different stages. It can be meaningless just as easily as it can be meaningful. Depends on the situation and who you're with. It doesn't have to be one thing or another. It can be both at different times in life.

It's constant work for me, figuring out where my head is at with it all. And I hate to say it, but I think when you're young and you've got someone you trust influencing your head space with it all, it's fu*king hard to shut that out. I think getting to where we want when it comes to this area is perhaps the most challenging journey we face. Seems a lot more difficult to reshape our values around sex than anything else--at least it has been for me anyway.

Embarking on your own self discovery journey at 20, you're so far ahead of the pack there bud. Only just started to figure my shit out now at 30. And come on, don't be hard on yourself like that, "maybe you'll feel better about yourself and your chances", you've got nothing to worry about. Even with all this stuff swirling through your head, I can't imagine it being an issue for any chick really. You're figuring your shit out, what more can you ask of someone?

Look I don't know what's going on there with your mate and that chick, but, you don't need to have this stuff in your head figured out to make a move. And ffs if you like a chick, don't go helping your mate out with her. Why shouldn't you get the girl?

And yeah, thanks for clarifying the church elder thing there--was sh*tting bricks here.

Alright, I'll catch up with ya another time. Have a good day at work tomorrow champ 👍

[MDT]

Nah not new job. Same one. Have this week left and also next week - which i am hoping to get leave for. I mean its been granted. But they could take it back because of my release paper. But dunno why I need to be in person.

Yeah re: the girl in question. It is what it is. Its just he sent me messages telling me she was more interested in me. I thought it was a piss take. Because she seemed uninterested. Idk my friend and who cares tbh.
Will see. I don't think so though. Feels like high school lol. Anyeay.

Yeah at work now. They have a cafe attached to this place so that's nice. Just here drinking my coffee and chilling out before whatver the hell kind if day I have.
I have only heard good things about this place so I can imagine it must be good - no one ever says anything good about places like this if they don't mean it.

Catch you soon bud

[saltandpepper]

Surly they can't legally withdraw approved leave, right? I can't remember how it all works now. But you know @MDT you have another job, so maybe you just don't go back into work...? Man, I'm starting to see why my boss hated me so much haha

Eh, skip all that garbage and just send her a text asking her to grab a coffee. You'll soon know if she's keen or not. Your mate most likely doesn't have a clue either, so wouldn't be relying on what he has to say too heavily

[MDT]

Indeed @saltandpepper re girl

And yeah who knows aye. I checked the roster to see if the manager is in. He is. He will reply. Whether its the info i want or not is a different question.

Today has been VERY cruisy. I drove as well. No commuter experience.
Woo. Just me and the music.

Enjoy it while it lasts I say.

[saltandpepper]

Yeah nice, always gotta drive yourself where I live.

My ex is about to come out and pick up the rest of their stuff. Ugh. Kind of hitting me a bit. It's dragging out which is just making it more painful.

Glad it was a good day at work, that's what ya want.

Let me know what happens with the girl @MDT 

[MDT]

Will do bud @saltandpepper

[MDT]

Texted her @saltandpepper

"Hi"

To the point I think haha

[saltandpepper]

Jesus mate. Lift your game a little. Probably text her and say "sorry hadn't finished that text--at work. Wanted to see if you're free for coffee (insert chosen time/day here)

Do it @MDT