Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Jo]

Has anyone here experienced the state of 'disassociation'? It can also be called 'de-personalisation'. It's that state one can slip into when the stress and burn-out becomes too much. You go into 'automatic', carrying out everything you have to do and what's expected of you,   but it's as if you're in a sort of dream state. 

[Jo]

I have mentioned this because a lot of carers experience this state without realising it.

[NikNik]

Hi Jo,

This is a very interesting topic.

Can you explain a bit more about it - what is that experience like? If carers experience this state without realising it, what tips would you give someone to become aware of it.

Thanks for posting this 🙂

[Jo]

It's hard to explain. It's a dreamlike state...the feeling of doing everything in a slight zombie-like fashion. I had no idea I was in this state. I had so much on my plate, i just kept going, day after day, doing everything I had to do, including during the times my son was missing for weeks on end or had attemped to take his life. Other people with whom I interacted on a daily basis had no idea anything was wrong.
I'd be interested to hear if any other carers here on this forum have experienced this.

[Baboo]

HI Jo, I think i felt similar to this when my baby was new and we had moved house around the same time- having the physical stress of birth to recover from, bills and no sleep for weeks. Some how as human beings we can have so much put on our plate but still manage to put one foot in front of the other and continue with our daily routines or at least; our needs to survive the stage of life were in. I think being hopeful for our future and having faith in your self can some times help so much. Writing a list for me of the things i had to do in only one day helped me out alot. What do you do to help keep you on track?

[Cazzie]

Is this where everything becomes so automatic that you reach a point where you do things but you don't actually remember having done them?  I've certainly reached that point.

It's very scary.  It makes me feel like it's me that's losing my mind sometimes.

[PeppiPatty]

Dear Cazzie,

What I write is of the small experience I have about being on automatic....being in a fantasy...

Your not losing your mind. Your going to be fine. I know this because you are writing your feelings.

I think it's from being in a 'too much world' but the more you focus on the here and now, it should get better. I regularly go into 'fantasy' land but no way as bad as I used to.

Maybe if you speak what you are doing.... It may 'normalise, ' you?
For example....

I'm walking down the corridor to the kitchen.
I'm sitting down now.
Or ' I will sit down and look at my hands'

' this is just an idea... Please write back what you think?

I think when I saw a therapist, she told me when I imagined I was flying (when someone was growling near me) she said I spoke of being in a fantasy world. We spoke about what I could do ....maybe focus on what I could do and I spoke of this. Of speaking what I was immediately doing.

[Jo]

Yes, it can be very scary. Apparently it's quite common amongst carers who have become burnt out energy-wise but just have to keep going. The only thing I have found that helps is to cut out all other small things in life that cause stress...no matter how tiny each one is.

[Hobbit]

Hi everyone,

This is a really interesting thread here!! I didn't know that this was so common amongst carers, but i guess caring is such a 24/7 thing and at times so full-on that of course it would happen. It sounds like a normal human reaction to me.

It reminds me of something I studied once about developing what they call a 'blase' attitude towards things when there is too much overload, or sensory imput. It's like a coping mechanism, our minds just sort of say 'enough is enough' and decide to 'tune out' 

I think if other people knew that this is what happens commonly to carers due to their full-on role, they would have so much more respect for carers. And I would love that to happen, because you guys so much deserve it!!

I know of an organisation called ARAFMI that collects stories from carers such as this, in order to be a 'voice' for carers and advocate for them. If anyone felt so inclined they could contact them here and submit their story.

Hobbit.

[Cazzie]

Hi Hobbit,

The reason I find disassociation so scary is because I'm not the only one who thinks I'm going crazy.

I also suffer occasionally from a form of nominal aphasia whereby I might momentarily forget the name of something very common.  I put all this down to the fact that there's so much going on in my world that I just can't remember everything and that my mind simply needs to take a break occasionally.

My husband, on the other hand, (PTSD sufferer, age 66) thinks it's all about my age (I'll be 57 in November).

If he forgets the name of something, or to do something, it's because he has PTSD.  If I forget, he tells me he's worried about my memory lapses and the possibility that I'm developing dementia (there's no history of it in my family but there is in his family).  If I find myself on autopilot to the extent that I don't remember what I've done for part of the day it's not disassociation, it's age-related memory loss.

Would carers really be that much more appreciated if people understood that the pressure we were under caused us to disassociate ourselves?  I honestly don't think so.  Unless you are a carer it's just not possible to understand what a carer goes through. Friends who have nursed family members through cancer have, in the past, contacted me to see if I was okay and coping with things.  Their rationale was that everyone thinks about the patient but nobody stops to think about the carer. 

Another reason many carers aren't appreciated is because those they care for don't have physical ailments.  If someone is undergoing chemo there are often visual side effects.  When someone suffers from a mental illness there's usually nothing visual for people to come to grips with.  In my case, my husband presents a happy face to the world and only our very closest friends and family know the extent of his illness.  Even then they don't know the fullest extent because he hides himself from them as well.  The only person he shows the depths of his depression to, is me.  As a result I get told "he's not that bad" or "he's not as bad you say".

They're wrong and they don't understand that the reason I'm not the happy-go-lucky person that came into their lives 25 years ago is because for the past 12 years I've been living with my husband's illness.  His illness but our problem.