BPD partner. I need help

[Actualpandora01]

My partner has BPD. She is deep in suicidal thoughts and has been admitted to hospital. She is now out and has a care team. There have been several times where she said she was going to hurt herself, that it was my fault because I don't want to see her. I'm finding her criticism so hard and the blame for her struggles does make.me want to stay away from her. It's hard to be the person responsible for her pain. Things I say just make her more angry, I can't reason with her and I feel defeated. She has issues with most people in my life so I dont have people to talk to about this. I don't know how to support someone who wants to die. Everything I say seems to make it worse, even if I am thoughtful and considered in my responses. She told me that she won't break up with me, that she will die before she does that. She wants me to want to see her but right now I just feel like hiding. She scares me. 

[tyme]

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries @Actualpandora01 . This is what will protect and preserve such a relationship. How do I know? Because I've lived it - from the 'other' side. 

What you are experiencing pretty much sums up by behaviour in the past. I wore people down. I 'suffocated' people because I always 'needed' them. Then when I was triggered, I pushed them away. This is painful - for both the borderline and their loved ones.

What was so important in my life was that strong people set boundaries. Doesn't mean I didn't kick against these boundaries, but it helped me to feel safe (even though I didn't show it). For example, seeing your loved one wants you to see them, let them know in advance, I am coming to see you for 30 mins, then I have to leave (that way, you are protecting yourself and you have an escape). Now when you leave, they may ask you to stay longer. It is very easy to give in, but this is 'testing the boundaries' - trust me, I did plenty of this! It doesn't come from a place because they are 'manipulative' or 'evil'. It comes from a place of deep emotional dysregulation and confusion in not knowing how to respond to someone leaving. (Note: these are MY experiences. It isn't the be all end all)

As for talking to your partner and for them to turn around and blame you for everything, I get that. I hear how much this has hurt you. So what do you do? Don't try to reason when they are upset. What worked for me was that the person walked away, but they told me something like "I can see you are upset, so I'm just going to step away for a bit, and I'll check in with you later today at 2pm or something". I felt that the more someone said this, the more I was able to hold it. If someone tried to reason with me when I was upset, I'd say many things I'd regret. And this hurt both sides.

And self-harm? Clear line. "If you self-harm so that you need medical attention, I will contact medical/emergency services so you get the support you need"

@Actualpandora01 , the above are some of the in-the-moment-how-to-respond situations.

Then, there's the long term support, but I won't go into it now because the post may be too long to read.

One thing for sure, BPD is VERY treatable. It is one of the most treatable mental health conditions there are. I've lived it so I can say this. And now? I have the best life out.

[Actualpandora01]

Thank you so much. It was such a relief to get a response from you. 

I do like you advice and I have been thinking over it since you responded. 

Can I ask for a little bit of further clarification? I am aiming to set boundaries around seeing her, having a visit with an end time. My major concern there is that me leaving causes her so much hurt, even when she is aware of it. Can you give any more insight into how that might feel, and what might help to soothe her when it's time for me to leave.

Again, thank you for responding. It feels like it has been so long since I have had a calm response and it really helped to have advice. 

[tyme]

I'm so pleased to hear that the response was helpful. @Actualpandora01  I am so passionate about supporting people with BPD and their loved ones.

TW: self-harm

As you said, with you leaving, you KNOW she will feel distress (and yes, this may lead to self harm). Whether you go or not, she will still feel the distress. Whether you stay the set time or not, when you leave, she will still feel the distress. In other words, it can feel like a lose-lose situation.

What worked better for me is that the expectations were set early. That is, Let her know you will only stay XYZ and stick to that time. Then, let her know you will check-in with her via text message at X time e.g. at 6pm. And if you say this, please stick to it. If you prefer a phone call over a text message, that's also okay. But once again, have it time bound and let her know beforehand. 

Just to share my own experiences. When I felt there was an impending 'end' to something, I would become really really distressed just before so that the person would feel they needed to stay. This was not because of manipulation but because I didn't know how to better handle the emotional dysregulation. So by you maintaining your boundaries, you are teaching her trust and to be confident that you keep to your word.

With BPD, you need to look after yourself. This is so important or you will be run into the ground.

Remember, your borderline is hurting as much as you are hurting. Underneath the hurt is a very loving, passionate, caring and zealous person. Please hold on.

[Unfurling]

This is such an honest and informative reply. Wow. I feel like this thread could be helpful to a lot of people.

[Unfurling]

'Can you give any more insight into how that might feel, and what might help to soothe her when it's time for me to leave'- @Actualpandora01 what a beautiful question to ask ❤️