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  • Author : tyme
  • Support : 1
  • Topic : Friends, families and carers
26 Jan 2025 06:05 AM
Community Lead

I'm so pleased to hear that the response was helpful. @Actualpandora01  I am so passionate about supporting people with BPD and their loved ones.

 

TW: self-harm

 

As you said, with you leaving, you KNOW she will feel distress (and yes, this may lead to self harm). Whether you go or not, she will still feel the distress. Whether you stay the set time or not, when you leave, she will still feel the distress. In other words, it can feel like a lose-lose situation.

 

What worked better for me is that the expectations were set early. That is, Let her know you will only stay XYZ and stick to that time. Then, let her know you will check-in with her via text message at X time e.g. at 6pm. And if you say this, please stick to it. If you prefer a phone call over a text message, that's also okay. But once again, have it time bound and let her know beforehand. 

 

Just to share my own experiences. When I felt there was an impending 'end' to something, I would become really really distressed just before so that the person would feel they needed to stay. This was not because of manipulation but because I didn't know how to better handle the emotional dysregulation. So by you maintaining your boundaries, you are teaching her trust and to be confident that you keep to your word.

 

With BPD, you need to look after yourself. This is so important or you will be run into the ground.

 

Remember, your borderline is hurting as much as you are hurting. Underneath the hurt is a very loving, passionate, caring and zealous person. Please hold on.

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