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Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries @Actualpandora01 . This is what will protect and preserve such a relationship. How do I know? Because I've lived it - from the 'other' side.
What you are experiencing pretty much sums up by behaviour in the past. I wore people down. I 'suffocated' people because I always 'needed' them. Then when I was triggered, I pushed them away. This is painful - for both the borderline and their loved ones.
What was so important in my life was that strong people set boundaries. Doesn't mean I didn't kick against these boundaries, but it helped me to feel safe (even though I didn't show it). For example, seeing your loved one wants you to see them, let them know in advance, I am coming to see you for 30 mins, then I have to leave (that way, you are protecting yourself and you have an escape). Now when you leave, they may ask you to stay longer. It is very easy to give in, but this is 'testing the boundaries' - trust me, I did plenty of this! It doesn't come from a place because they are 'manipulative' or 'evil'. It comes from a place of deep emotional dysregulation and confusion in not knowing how to respond to someone leaving. (Note: these are MY experiences. It isn't the be all end all)
As for talking to your partner and for them to turn around and blame you for everything, I get that. I hear how much this has hurt you. So what do you do? Don't try to reason when they are upset. What worked for me was that the person walked away, but they told me something like "I can see you are upset, so I'm just going to step away for a bit, and I'll check in with you later today at 2pm or something". I felt that the more someone said this, the more I was able to hold it. If someone tried to reason with me when I was upset, I'd say many things I'd regret. And this hurt both sides.
And self-harm? Clear line. "If you self-harm so that you need medical attention, I will contact medical/emergency services so you get the support you need"
@Actualpandora01 , the above are some of the in-the-moment-how-to-respond situations.
Then, there's the long term support, but I won't go into it now because the post may be too long to read.
One thing for sure, BPD is VERY treatable. It is one of the most treatable mental health conditions there are. I've lived it so I can say this. And now? I have the best life out.
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