@Jynx those thoughts are stronger than I am right now. I just want to be able to let down my guard and have that bit of relief. 

I've done a tiny bit of colouring. But my brain is just throwing every possible dark thought my way and I'm close to calling it quits. There's red flags that I've recognised in things I've done and my own safety alarm bells going off and whilst I'm trying to ignore them I also know it's a very, very fine line right now.