@Dreamy 

I don't really think back to my childhood either.  It wasn't awful by any means, but looking back at even happy times, it just brings back all the things that were the source of all the difficulties I still deal with in my life. I then quickly get frustrated and depressed that it could have all been so easily avoided if i just had a little bit of help and support.

So i suppose that why i just invent happy memories to think about.  Wondering what a really happy situation would be like and how it would go while being in control of what happens.  It's probably mad, but i find it helps me.

That is so frustrating about the NDIS place not calling you back.  I could say to keep trying because it's your right, but i understand how hard it is to keep doing it.  And how the system can just grind any and all motivation out of you.  Unfortunately places like that are generally slammed, much like public hospitals, so those of us who don't make a fuss and keep fighting for what we need just get left at the back of the queue for the people who do.  And it feels pointless after a while. 

I wish i had something more positive to say to you, i really do.  But i think we both know very well the things we should do, but it's finding the fight and the energy to do it that is the struggle.  And its hard to get that from other people.  We can have other people to feel heard and feel valued though, and if we keep ourselves around that as much as we can, hopefully we can find a little bit of fight in ourselves.