@Anastasia 

I am not really sure what to say right now. I have a bit I want to say but everything feels so jumbled. My last customer for the day came about an hour ago so it is the first time I am alone now and just resting my body and hopefully my mind soon. I am feeling extremely overwhelmed and somewhat panicked/stressed. I am also hurting a lot. 

Since I came home on Friday night, I have not done a lot around the house. It still feels really surreal to me. I went and sat in what used to be our room today. I am not ready to move back in there. Too many memories. I cannot seem to get my thoughts straight about much at all. When I left on Thursday, she was not home. I blocked her number as soon as I left and I have not unblocked it since. There has been a part of me that has wanted to, but I have not. I have not blocked her from sending me any emails, but have blocked her on social media. 

I did not do it out of nastiness, I did it because I needed to. I have a lot of moments of disbelief. Alot of moments when my brain is blank and cannot think or process anything. Im not ready for therapy. I just am not. I'd like to be able to talk but not from a therapuetic point of view. Im just really not interested at the moment. 

I just think to myself, well what would I even say if I was to contact her anyway? I cannot think of a word to even say. On the other hand, I am very sad we didn't get to talk at all. I am processing and thinking well was that really out of my control that it wasn't an option? I do miss her. I miss the kind, loving, sweet and adorable parts of her. I miss making plans together. I do not miss all the other things I went through. There is just so many thoughts running through my head all day, even when I have distracted myself by working on jobs I have got. 

This house was a house that was for us. I guess the dominating thought is why would you want to give up on love, give up on me and give up on the relationship? I dont know maybe I am just naieve about love. I really don't want anyone saying to me you will find someone else, plenty of fish in the sea. Maybe I do not want to find someone else. I am not just saying that because I have just come out of a relationship. Maybe finding someone just isn't right for me and my life anymore. I'd at least like the chance to determine that for myself, however long ti takes me. 

I tried to get my deep love for her to reach her suffering and pain. I guess her walls were just too thick. I remember all the times I was ecstatically happy and I remember all the times I felt lower that what any limbo stick can go. I feel really lost. I am not sure what that is about either. It is almost like a piece of me is missing. I do not think she really ever understood my love for her. How deep it went. How genuine it was. I feel pretty empty. Now and then I think of her in her new place. I think to myself, she is more than likely happy to have her life back without me in it. Doing what she likes when she likes. I know I am making assumptions. I guess it just felt to me when she was here that I was in her way of her life. More so towards the last month of her being here. She did say quite a while back that I will not hear from her unless I miss a payment on things that we are paying off. 

Then I have had the thought that well she still lives in my town. It is a small town. Likely to see her around at some stage. Not sure what to do with that either. I have a full on week ahead. I am not really looking forward to it. I am finding it really hard to do a lot. I still have not found a housemate. So that is $800 rent on my own. I just go blank with that but I know I cannot afford to go blank, I have to sort something out by this coming Thursday. There are many times in the day where I do wish I could have helped to save my relationship.