@Anastasia You give me way too much credit methinks Hon 

@Powderfinger I too always believed I was not worthy of that love and everyone in my life would always abuse, use or hurt me. I am on my own but also choose that. Part is that I am still protecting myself from that ongoing hurt and part is I am too set in my ways to share anything with anyone. What I can say though is I firmly believe the more we go looking for that connection, that love, that closeness and that life we always dreamt we would have the more we choose those that do hurt us. We see in them what we want to see and not who they really are deep down. Much of our judgement when 'in love' is clouded by the intense feelings we first feel. 

Having been through relationships that have caused me immense pain, I fully understand how someone who professes to love you can also hurt you the most. So yes I do get that pain and I do get that loss of faith in people, trust in people and how much we can be hurt by people.

In saying that I also know the love of someone that whilst not a romantic love I did unexpectedly find with my friend that I lost late last year. We re-connected after many, many years (were at high school together) and nearly immediately we knew how much we cared for each other but there was no romantoc feelings there ...but that did not diminish the love we had for each other. In him I had  a best friend, a confidante, a sounding board and trust. Trust for me was massive as apart from one or two people in my life I had not really trusted anyone for the longest time. He was not perfect (nor am I) and had his own MH issues to deal with but we talked openly about that and supported each other throughout. So I would say, right now, you are not in a position to feel there is a way out of the horrible position you find yourself in ...both physically and emotionally ...that will take time. Focussing on all the pain that your ex has caused, all the pain everyone in your life has caused, does not hurt any of them - it only further adds to the hurt you are feeling. Do not get me wrong here - I am not at all saying you need to put that all aside - quite the opposite - feel those emotions and let yourself grieve because that is very important but along the way also do not give those people that have hurt or abused you the luxury of them winning. For a very, very long time my whole life was consumed by those that abused me and how they made me feel about myself until one day I literally chose to stop letting them rule my life. That came with a recognition that I cannot change the past, cannot change what others may or may not do - all I can do is be me and that is enough. Coincidently that time very much came when I re-connected with my friend because he saw Me and allowed me to be Me. We did not always agree with each other but we respected our differences as much as our shared experiences and that relationship - mutual respect and love for each other for who we were - both meant everything to me and changed my mindset for the better. So I am not going to through around the normal cliches right now but I will say whilst this breakup is very new and very raw - look after yourself first because in the end that is all we really have to do.