@Zoe7 

I know there is nothing I can do. I'm.too.too too tired to care anymore @Zoe7 .

This is not the first person in my life who has shown me love and absoluten rage and anger simultaneously. My mother did it to me, been in other relationships where it was done to me. This is NEVER going to happen to me EVER again. 

I don't believe in love anymore. I do not believe there is anyone in the world truly able to love me without abusing me. I'm.tired of people blaming me for the abuse because of my childhood. That I somehow subconsciously choose these people over and over again in my life. Perhaps there may be part truth in that but not the full truth. It is still putting the responsibility into me for someone else's choice to abuse me. 

I can see how damaged I am from the year gone by. It's amazing how someone that claimed to love you in the way they did and do things for you, to end treating you like you are a nothing. Like you were no one. Like you do not even exist. Like they cannot wait for their new life to begin without you. 

It's still part of the abuse. Ramming it in like you were no good to them and they are happier without you. Your illness was an issue. Your illness that you couldn't always help. I wonder if a blind man asked for directions, would people be pointing at landmarks and saying see that shop over there? Would anyone have a conversation with a deaf people son, not directly looking at them and admonish them for not resoonding? 

Would ANY me load someone up with 20 shopping bags that was in a wheelchair and expect them to help themselves? Anyone with a heart and that was sane wouldn't do it. Yet it seems to be OK to get angry with me and berate me for things that I try my best to deal with regarding my illness. To make me feel so unworthynif being heard and listened to because I'm being triggered with something. Not supporting be and let's talk about it so we can work it out. 

This has been a long time coming. I don't get apologies. I don't get to use my voice. I don't get to talk about my feelings. I get nothing.