Hi @Powderfinger 

Although my relationship hasn't officially ended, I've been trying to end it. 

Whether it's what is best or my MH talking me into it, I'm not entirely sure. 

It could also be me trying to get in first. Petrified he will tell me it's done, the last straw, can't be fixed or undone.

I haven't spoken to him since Wednesday afternoon - when I screamed I never want to see you again! 

I spent Thursday watching glee with my teenage girls, I didn't want to feel anything and watching a bunch a teenagers (portrayed) singing and dancing and struggles with growing up kept me distracted - until he replied via text. 

He wanted to come and see me and talk face to face, my anxiety peaked. He is the love of my life. I met him while just 17. We hadn't seen each other in maybe 16 years and the first time I laid eyes on him again, oh boy did it all come rushing back. We lived in seperate states for 2 years while seeing each other every 5 weeks. Until on a whim I decided to move states. Transferred my job interstate and moved in for what was supposed to be temporary. 

My MH, whatever is going on inside me, took over full force. While we were in seperate states I could control myself more, but with the intensity of our feelings, situations we found ourselves in,  my MH has become something that is taking over and is ruining what we had. 

He is not well, has many issues he should be dealing with himself, but mine seem to take over, to overwhelming proportions. 

I am terrified to let go. I am terrified to keep trying. 

He has no idea how to deal with my emotions and outbursts, nor do I. Most times I have no idea what to say to him, what I'm feeling or describe what's happening. It makes it frustrating for us both. 

I'm still anxiously hiding away from him, not making the first move - I don't know what to say or do. I feel so much shame for the way I behave and talking about it with him,the way he tells me what he sees and hears makes it so much harder to come to terms with. 

I can only hope you find the peace and calm you need to heal your heart and I can empathise with your situation, even if it's not entirely the same. 💙