@Anastasia It is nothing new to me. I have to accept that it is abuse and it is a hard acceptance. I have to accept that the relationship was abusive and toxic. No one wants to see a person they loved deeply in that way. The facts are it is reality and fact. The thing is, she is hurting herself just as much as she is hurting me and has hurt me. 

Clearly she is able to master or mask her own feelings and emotions, to not cry, to not show vunlerbality, to not show hurt or pain, to show nothing most of the time. This is why I dont like at all the whole experience of being treated nicely and then this here, what I have shared. I can tell you it does make me feel like harming myself and I am NOT a self harmer in any way, shape or form. 

I slept for five hours today. I was just so beat in every way. I have managed to get support now. I get support three hours a week with a support worker. They come to my home and we have agreed on various types of supports. I just had the meeting this morning. That is more than what I had before. I had nothing.