Hi @Former-Member

I am so sorry that you have experienced this and especially that you are feeling embarassed and ashamed now. The ONLY person who should be feeling embarassed and ashamed is the one that has abused you! Even if this was the case - it does not diminish what has happened to you or take any of the hurt and pain away.

Does this get easier with time - my answer is yes and no. There are periods when I can function normally - go to work, do my job, go shopping, etc. But there are all the sleepless nights, avoidance of social situations and wanting to seclude myself to be safe.

So - how has it affected the way I live? - I live alone - and have done for many years. I don't like visitors as I get anxious when my 'space' is not my own. I avoid, or at least, minimise any form of social interaction and I will always drive myself to 'events' so I have a 'wayout' if I do not feel comfortable. I prefer to work independently on things so as to not rely on others who I feel will let me down.Most of my life has been one of looking over my shoulder - waiting for the next 'hit' to come. I find I over-analyse every situation and always imagine the worst possible scenario. I definitely do not trust easily (or at all) and rarely get close enough to anyone to form any type of friendship. These are just a few of the ways I have been affected and live my life today. 

In the past, the most predominant strategy I have used to keep going is just that - keep going! I have thrown myself into things that have kept me busy and not allowed much time to think.

I have undertaken some counselling but have had to stop that of late because of the distress I have been under both knowing the session is coming up and also after the sessions. Now I am trying to rebuild myself gradually, do little things bit by bit that I enjoy and trying not to focus on what has become so consuming it is dangerous. 

This is by no means easy - and most days it does feel like for every step I take forward there is another step back - but there are somedays when there are only steps forward!!!!

What I can tell you is that the fact that you have opened yourself up here to talk about your experience in any way shows a great deal of strength, courage and trust. These are qualities within yourself that will help you with your internal battle in the future. The mere fact that you have had so much courage to disclose something so personal here speaks volumes about the strength you have within.

I truly admire your courage to disclose what you have and hope you are getting support to help you through this difficult time.

Thinking of you, and holding you in the light

Zoe