I’ve had a pretty terrible last couple of weeks.  My husband and I had an argument a couple of weeks ago about something that has affected our (to put it bluntly) sex life - something that is a direct connection to my past CSA.  I’m still rattled about it.

This argument happened while I was under a huge amount of stress when my mum was in hospital.  Moving forward to now and I have now moved in with my mum now she’s out of hossie as she needs round the clock care.  I have managed to convince her Dr to drop one of her medications that was giving her hallucinations and now she is essentially going through withdrawals for the last 2 days and refuses to eat or drink - which is a problem in itself as she is diabetic.  Tonight I threatened to put her back in hospital so she did eventually eat 1/2 a sandwich.

Today my husband and I had a couples counseling session - and the session was spent talking about that argument. I had to relive the events of the CSA and describe the feelings that it still brought up in me now.  I was crying and shaking - I can still see it all like it happened just yesterday, not 40+years ago.

I used to disassociate a lot when I was a child, and through today’s session I’ve learned that I do it a lot as an adult but in a different way.

Tonight I’m feeling very triggered, I feel very shaky inside, I feel like I can’t breathe deeply, I just want to cry but

most of all I feel extremely frightened.  I have a particular vision in my head that I just can’t get out.  I had to describe that moment from long ago today and now it won’t leave me alone.  

Has anyone had any experiences like this, how did you cope with it?  I don’t want to sleep tonight, I’m scared of closing my eyes and only seeing this vision.