@AnetraI've found it really difficult the past couple of years to keep it up.  The people I have the most contact with is my partners family, so I always try to be 'happy' around them, but it's getting harder.  About 6 months ago we were sitting outside at her brother's house and everyone decided on by one to go inside until I was left there sitting outside by myself.  I would normally join them, just so I looked like I was being sociable and 'normal' I guess.  But I found myself just not caring, so I sat out there by myself and thought I really don't care what they think or how it makes me look.  That was the first time I knew I was really starting to struggle with keeping the mask on.  It's probably why I've found my way back to online forums since then.

I've always found it easier to be myself on forums.  I like the extra time I have to compose my thoughts and can take as long as I want to get things as I want.  I can reread and edit if needed until I'm happy with what I've written.  Face to face, I find much harder.  I don't trust myself so I'm very careful about what I say because I can't take anything back if I say the wrong thing, so I tend to not say much.  The first time I talked to anyone about how I really am and feel was on an online forum almost 15 years ago so I've always found this format to be far easier to be myself.  I feel a bit like a deer in the headlights when talking to people face to face.