***Not light reading. Scroll through if light reading is what you are after***

Dear younger me,

I write to you to share my thoughts around your experiences and how they have shaped me today, some good some bad. Mostly I write to tell you to forgive yourself.

You think your situation is normal, you don't know otherwise, oh if I could go back and tell you it's not and give you a voice, maybe it would have allowed you to speak up, to stop things and to become so much more over the years. 

I'm sorry you're scared, hide and cower away too frightened to speak up for fear of getting into trouble, causing more violence and grief to the family. 

Its not your fault. You can't fix things. You are a child. You should feel safe, not have to grow up living in fear not knowing when the next time will be. 

I wish your parents could have realised that things weren't right for both their children. Even today I want to ask them, to understand why, but I don't, I don't want to hurt them. I'm sorry things happened. I know if they knew the half of it they'd be heartbroken. 

So much of it is lost in my memory bank, I wish all of it was, but it explains why I am the way I am. I am aware now of why I have done things that I have over the years. The self sabotage, the running away, the trust issues, my need for co dependency and why I have made the bad relationship choices that I have made. It doesn't change the past but it now makes sense. 

As a result of what you are going through and yet to go through I have had low self esteem, self doubt, self hatred, terrible judge of character and poor communication skills just to name a few. 

Today, I'm better than I was, I've grown a lot...I still have a long way to go. My youngest son is unwell, I have had counselling and as a result it has made me aware of my own issues and the reasons why.  It's enabled me to begin to "heal", to grow, to have a voice finally. I have made a promise to myself that I will make you proud. I will leave a legacy. I don't know what that is yet but I'm working on it. 

I do forgive my parents, they were the best they knew how to be, just as I am to my boys. I just wish they had the capacity to be better. To seek help. To protect us. 

So dear frightened younger self, you'll survive, you'll have two gorgeous sons, you'll protect them like your life depends on it. It will. 

If I can ask for one thing for you is a protector, someone you can speak to, help for the family, the catalyst for change.

Please find your voice.

I love you x

@Bow 💕