@Former-Member

It has taken me so long to accept that I am allowed to love myself despite what others may have said in the past or the future.The 23rd Psalm has always been my favourite, both written and sung. 

Things are very exciting in my new life. I am organising furniture for me - not going with what someone else wants and ignoring my desires. It is very liberating and a bit sscary but fun. I find I am buying colourful things instead of dull, bland, safe things. 

We have had no phone connection all day and I use my phone as my internet hotspot, so no internet either. It has been very interesting. I took up a pair of jeans that have been too long since I bought them nearly 3 years ago. I did two loads of washing in my new washing machine. Cleaned out another cupboard before stacking it the way I want. It has all been very domesticated and I have loved it.

I will be starting work as soon as the paperwork gets to me. I will only be doing 8hr/week as I think that is as much as I can do without compromising my health. I have had to be very firm that I will not take on any more than that. It is a nice feeling to have someone appreciate my experience and skills.

I know your pain about feeling alone. I have lived that life for so many years. I could feel terribly alone in the middle of my family. I am now trying to live the belief that they are travelling their own path and I am not responsible for the decisions they take. It has freed me of a lot of guilt, often for things that were not of my doing. I hope you can find that place on your path.

People used to talk about the light at the end of the tunnel. I was convinced they must have had a different sort of tunnel to me because I could not even see the end of the tunnel, let alone the light. I felt trapped in that tunnel of guilt. shame, fear, self-loathing, regret, failure and suicide. I have now found the light switch, turned on the light, seen that those words were just graffitti left be someone passing through and I can come and go through the tunnel as I please. Last week, when I wrote, I think the fuse had blown and I became terrified that I was stuck again. However, I have decided to walk away from the tunnel and explore what is on the other side. So far, I am really enjoying the view.

Take care of you. It is not self-indulgent or vain. It is essential and life-giving and freeing and nurturing and beautiful. Enjoy being you!