Hi @Evie1 

The feelings of guilt and shame can be so overwhelming you feel like you're drowning. Not only was I assaulted by someone I knew and previously loved and trusted but I also had to deal with getting pregnant as a result. I felt like I had no choice but to abort. This was 10 years ago and I still struggle from time to time with the guilt of ending the life I could have had with my child. It took me years before I confided in anyone about the assault. I even lied to the dr about the reason for the abortion coz I was scared if she knew the truth I would have to relive it. 

I've been told that I need to "get over it" or I'm letting him win. It's not a competition or a race. Everybody reacts differently to traumatic events. Some are comfortable to talk about what happened whilst others are retraumatised by opening up that wound. I don't believe being violated mind, body and soul is something you can ever get over but I do think it's possible to cope with it being apart of your past.

I used to believe that I could have fought back harder and that it wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been stupid enough to give him a lift. I blamed myself for putting myself in position to be attacked and then for not being strong enough to keep the baby. Suicidal thoughts are something that have experienced on and off since the assault. Trust issues are also something I struggle with in all aspects of my life.

It wasn't until I told my counselor the details of my assault that I realised that I gave up fighting to save my life. The assault was violent and fighting back just made that worse. He is a monster and having a person like that in my life or in the life of my child would have been extremely negative to us both so I made the choice that was right for me at the time. 

Over the years there have been seemingly random things that have triggered the trauma that have resulted in panic attacks and nightmares. The difference now is I have learnt ways to cope with my reactions and symptoms when I am triggered. 

There is NO timeline on dealing with trauma. You should take your time and progress in a manner you are comfortable with. It's great that you are regularly seeing a counselor. 

My biggest piece of advice would be to not pressure yourself to feel a certain type of way. Working through present thoughts and feelings can lead to being able to work on the deeper issues as you build trust with those you confide in whether loved one or professional. 

I'm more than happy to talk to further if you think it will help 🥰

You are stronger than you think you are @Evie1