I think I have done a lot of things for everyone else in my life that maybe just maybe it's now time for ME.  Now that mother in law is in a nursing home I can stress less and start to feel like my own family is with me now and no one else.  I know it is hard to adjust after 20 years with her but now is the time for me, my husband and our chidlren to adjust again to a normal family life of just us.

Even for me and my husband adjustment is big as part of our 30 yr marriage 20 of that has been with his mum.  And do you know I can't even remember the first 10 years and how our marriage was.

So we have to rebuild our lives again and its exciting and scary at the same time.  I don't know what I want with my life.

All I do know is that one day i hope to be a grandmother and i will spoil the grandchildren as much as i can. I will love them, hug them, kiss them, tell them I love them so much, play with them and just enjoy being a grandmother.  Something my own mum never ever did with my own children.  I will never ever do what she did to me and my children.  So cruel and hurtful things she would do to me and my children.  Well i am never going to be like her, never ever.

That is my hope that one day i will become a grandmother (i hope) and love my grandchildren so so much.

And also a 'retired life' with my husband.  A life where we can travel a bit and enjoy our children and their children.

I have to have something to hold onto, to keep me going.

A lot of things that are negative are not coming from the 'real' me.  They are from my emotional side and it always happens when i get angry, frustrated and feel no one is listening to me.  But i do know that i have a great support team and a forum on here.